BLOGS

I am frequently asked “How do I know if I should work on this (relationship)?” I wish I could say always but I cannot. The difference lies in if the relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Let’s look at that.

Take a minute and ask yourself what you wish to experience in an ideal relationship. Now, look at what you wrote.  Did you write down what you want in the other person?  If so, that is not the question and here is why.  You can meet 10 people with the same characteristics and they will give you 10 different relationships.  So, it is important to know what YOU wish to experience in an ideal relationship.

Once you know what you wish to experience in the partnership, you will be able to develop a relationship that will bring you that partnership. Also, you will be able to see the characteristics you like in the individual and then see what they wish to experience.  If they are looking for a different type of relationship than you, you are in a good position to redefine the relationship rather than working on a relationship that will not become what you desire.

When you are in a healthy relationship the partnership is built upon what you wish to experience. In that relationship there has to be challenges because in this life we will always be experiencing challenges.  The greater the partnership, the greater the challenges that will appear because it offers each of you the opportunity to heal.  As those challenges appear, it is an opportunity for each of you to work through them together and grow the partnership and each other.  The key phrase is work through together.  If you find you are consistently working through these times alone then it is time to stop working on the relationship and talk to your partner.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you want to learn to communicate in a way that allows you to work through challenges gracefully. This does not mean you won’t experience anger. You will.  It means that when you are angry, hurt, or upset in some way that you will express those emotions with the intent to be understood and to heal.  That is one part of working on a relationship.  If, however, you begin to find that your partner is not expressing their inner experience and or emotions, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner.

In a healthy relationship you want to grow by exploring your Self and your partner. That is another form of work. Learning to communicate in a way that does not assume you know the other person.  Instead, explore by asking open-ended questions.  It is more difficult than it sounds.  If your partner is not exploring you and continues to tell you about you, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner. 

As you can see, even in a healthy relationship, there are times where you need to be aware that you are working too hard and talk with your partner about the situation and explore the disconnect or misunderstanding or difference.

If a relationship is unhealthy, it is a relationship that you followed into.  In other words, you weren’t looking to fulfill YOUR definition but were hoping to find love and or to be loved.  So, you fell for a person who showed you they loved you.  For example, you may have been excited that the other person liked you or you may have been thrilled that the other person was so romantic or beautiful, etc. 

A relationship may be unhealthy if you have an external orientation to developing a relationship. In other words, you are looking outward at the other person and following their interest in you and doing your best to meet their expectations and to be good enough. In a relationship where you are looking outward at the other, you may follow one good feeling or experience after another hoping it will end up being a “permanent” relationship.  Then one day you will find your Self struggling to keep the good times alive. 

If a relationship is unhealthy, you may find yourself being judged. You may constantly hear the other person apologizing for the mistakes or anger that caused upset in the relationship.  You may feel like you are always letting some disappointing or upsetting situation pass so that you can get back to the good part of the relationship.  You may, therefore, be constantly alert to what is pleasing to the other so you can make them happy.

If there is gaslighting or abuse in a relationship, it is unhealthy.   In those relationships, you may be finding yourself constantly working hard to mend and be good enough and keep the relationship moving positively out of fear that it will become painful or upsetting again. 

All of the described unhealthy relationships can be an opportunity for you to be the one working very hard to keep the relationship together or to keep your partner happy or to keep peace.  In all of those situations, you need to stop working so hard and accept the reality of the relationship.  It is no longer serving you.  It is time to ask why you might be fearful of moving on.

To discover your Self, bravery and courage are present. Much like the courage and bravery it to to discover and create America. Self-discovery is a part of self-mastery and asks that you go toward the unknown aspects of you and life. Often, discovering your self feels like the adventure of discovering new territory.  Yet, you know who you are in truth, but you hid that part of you long ago. Let’s look at how your courage can help you step into discovering your Self!

Because this life is designed to be fraught with challenges, self-discovery takes the courage and willingness to embrace those challenges in order to transcend them.  You will want to access the willingness to accept your fear, its limitations, and resistances.  You will access the strength within to move beyond your defenses.  You will find the courage to stand in the fire and not back down until you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix Rising.

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Too often I hear people talk about being independent. But there is no such thing as independent in this life.  Everything we do, even eating an apple, is interdependent.  The same is true of our country!  We celebrate Independence Day because it is the day we gained our independence from England but we are not an independent country.  We are interdependent.

Everything we do in this life, is a part of many people coming together to make it happen.  Let’s look at eating an apple.  It took the farmer, the labor on the farm, the truck driver who took the apples to the packing place, all the workers in the packing place, then another driver, etc.  Finally it is in your hand ready to be eaten.  But you depend on hundreds of people to do their part for you to have that wonderful juicy apple. 

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This month trees’ leaves change to colors.  Beautiful colors.  Colors that no one knew were there when the leaves were all green.  Colors that no one knew were there when there were no leaves and the tree was barren.  And yet here they are. 

There are times in life when you are lost in your challenges and your colors are missing completely.  You are in a gray, sad space.  No one knows who you are beyond the pain you are experiencing.  And yet, you are beautiful colors beyond the gray pain.

There are times when you are participating in life and showing a happy face and yet the experiences are mostly superficial and similar over and over.  Patterns remain the same, days remain the same, people remain the same.  People think they know you but they do not.  They only know the part of you that participates in the same old stuff.

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Gain Independence from that which Keeps You from Your Freedom

I’m talking about feeling that freedom from that which holds you back. Independence from those challenges or blocks that limit your freedom in some way. So how do you break free from those limitations or fears? Take a moment to ask yourself what those blocks are. The first part of the challenge is to become aware of what things might be influencing you in a limited way. Do you have a fear of something? Are you uncomfortable in some situations? Do you really want to do something but you hesitate to do it? Are you not going after your dream in the way you would really like to? Are the relationships in your life not as fulfilling as you would like them to be? Those are the things I invite you  to explore this month. So, daily, I will prompt you with posts that will look at various aspects of life. I’m going to keep them somewhat general so it will give you the opportunity to see where it may fit in your life.

Today I’m going to focus on the topic of transcending your fear. Especially as it relates to the pandemic. And I’m going to do this by quoting my upcoming book, The Sage’s Template.

“The experiences of this life are either fear-based and uncomfortable or love-based and comfortable.  Most everyone is looking to feel comfortable and in a “good” place, so what is the purpose of this dual format of experiencing?  By design, in this life, you will experience fear. Fear is what creates the illusion of separation. It is through the knowing and then transcending of fear or suffering that you are able to experience the truth of who you are.”

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While sheltering-in-place from COVID-19, you no doubt experienced trials and tribulations each day. Sometimes those challenges can feel overwhelming. Especially if you’ve lost your job, lost someone close to you, or don’t know how you’re going to meet your financial obligations. Maybe your stress is related to different sources, as you juggle your work and home life; fill in as your children’s teacher; or worry about your health or those of your loved ones.

With recent events related to COVID-19 and sheltering-in-place, the world has become an unsure, scary, and stressful place. Over the last few weeks your daily routine most likely transformed into a life you barely recognize. You wonder how things you once took for granted – your home, job, relationship, and health, to name a few – became so precarious. It stands to reason, that this uncertain environment has caused your anxiety to spike. You barely know what day it is, and tomorrow doesn’t look much better. So how can you possibly live in “the now”?

Let’s not kid ourselves. Being in quarantine is difficult. You feel stressed, shackled, unsure, anxious, bored, confused, lost. The list goes on. One of the other things you’ve probably experienced is a sense of lack. Lack of freedom. Lack of security. Lack of resources. Lack. Lack. Lack. For a while there you couldn’t turn on the news or read social media, without seeing images of empty grocery store shelves. For those who have bothered to venture out, you may have endured long shopping lines. Sure, in many places the situation is improving. You can find toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and antibacterial wipes. But no matter how full the store shelves are, there may still be a part of you that’s impacted by the lack you witnessed. Good news is, in time, you’ll probably forget about these scarce supplies because the physical environment around you will have improved.

Across the country, the lockdowns associated with the COVID-19 pandemic have lifted, are lifting, or will soon lift. Things will begin to look and feel a little more familiar than they did when you were sequestered in your home, juggling work, family, health, and financial commitments – just to name a few.

As you emerge from the chaos, and enter into what has become your new experience of life, you have the opportunity to look back at the past weeks and assess how you weathered the storm. What behaviors, attitudes, and actions brought you the most happiness and joy during quarantine? How could you improve upon them moving forward? Are there things you would do differently if faced with another lockdown or similar limitations?

Like Jack Canfield says, ‘If you want to change the results you get in the future, you must change how you respond to events in your life starting today.’ OR: As I always say, “If you want a different future, today you must do something different from yesterday because today is tomorrow’s yesterday.”

In the coming weeks I will revisit many of the emotions you may have experienced, or are still experiencing, as you cope with these uncertain times. I will focus on feelings of Fear, Calm, Disconnect, Anxiety, Depression, Lack, Gratitude, Relationships, and Living for Today.

So, please join me to identify opportunities to find strength and courage within yourself and use even the most trying experiences as a launching pad to blossom into the person you’ve always known your Self to be.