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The Monthly Challenge: INDEPENDENCE

Gain Independence from that which Keeps You from Your Freedom

I’m talking about feeling that freedom from that which holds you back. Independence from those challenges or blocks that limit your freedom in some way. So how do you break free from those limitations or fears? Take a moment to ask yourself what those blocks are. The first part of the challenge is to become aware of what things might be influencing you in a limited way. Do you have a fear of something? Are you uncomfortable in some situations? Do you really want to do something but you hesitate to do it? Are you not going after your dream in the way you would really like to? Are the relationships in your life not as fulfilling as you would like them to be? Those are the things I invite you  to explore this month. So, daily, I will prompt you with posts that will look at various aspects of life. I’m going to keep them somewhat general so it will give you the opportunity to see where it may fit in your life.


A Tradition of Giving Children Gifts of Love

As parents and families approach the holidays gifts are fun and yet stressful due to the amount of money most people feel they need to spend. Let’s review some ways you can make your children happy and not create stress or financial worry.

Historically, gifts given during the holidays were in honor of creation in life — whether that is freedom from tyranny, the birth of a master, or the end of the dark and beginning of light. In other words, gifts were an exchange of a spiritual honoring. Each family needs to come back to their religious or spiritual meaning with their children. Spiritually, gifts were useful and promoted the life of those who received them. If parents use that philosophy they can bring the kids to a different mindset about the types of gifts they will receive at this time of year.

American culture is based on spending and uses marketing to the children as a way to coerce families into spending money they may not have. We do not want to transition away from toys completely because they are the gifts that promote the life and creativity of the child. Furthermore, society pushes toys as gifts of expression and, so, the children would have an emotional reaction to the absence of gifts of this nature. I do, however, think by setting a very different stage based on love and growth, children will not compare their gifts to those children who do not have meaningful gifts for the holidays. That awareness must be set into the traditions.


Thanksgiving: Can You Be Thankful for the Good and the Bad?

This is a time of year to be grateful for the freedom that our country offers. This is an American holiday. We, as a people, have the opportunity to make infinite choices and have infinite experiences. It is our free will that opens us to all that this life has to offer. So, how might we expand our gratitude this Thanksgiving?

Each year we are given the opportunity to be thankful for our freedom in life and our freedom to choose. People generally express thanks for their loved ones, their home, their career, their ability to travel, their meals, etc. We tend to think of giving thanks for the “good” things in our life. It is a time to “avoid” the “bad” things. What if we weave the bad things into our gratitude?! Some of you will think I have lost my mind but I have not.

Everything that you experience in this life is with purpose: great purpose. If the experience stirs any of your fear-based emotions, e.g., hurt, loneliness, or abandonment/loss, you may have a tendency to ignore those experiences at this time of Thanksgiving. Some of those experiences are too painful to completely ignore and so they interrupt your holidays.


Change the World with Your Resolutions

Be inspired and inspire the world with your resolutions! It is all too common at this time of year for people not to make resolutions but for those who do, oftentimes, those resolutions are simple ones. What are your resolutions like? Have you ever simply wondered, without judgment, why you don’t fulfill the resolutions you make? Has it dawned on you to expand your resolutions to match some of your higher ideals and dreams for this lifetime? In blogs past, I have spoken about resolutions and ways to state them and implement them so that they are successful. I have also spoken about making a resolution that helps you understand what blocks you from fulfilling your resolutions. But this year I’d like to talk about creating a grander resolution. One that fulfills, or at least begins to fulfill, some of your higher dreams for this earth and for this life.


We are all one. So the turmoil, aggression, anger, and fear that resides on this earth at this time is something that also resides in each and every one of us from the teeniest amount to the largest amount. Each of us experiences these emotions. Each of us has a deeper desire to live beyond these emotions. Most of you dream to find greater happiness, joy, love, and acceptance. If that is a dream of yours, it may be the time to also see it as a dream for the Earth. As each and every one of our days becomes filled with love and love-based emotions around us in the people, the environment, and the earth, then we find that the love within our hearts becomes much more expansive. It also happens in reverse. As The love in our hearts, as well as love for our Selves, grows we expand our love and affect the people, the environment, and the earth.


If you put this all together, what I am proposing is as your resolutions reflect your dreams for love, acceptance, and happiness in your life imagine that it is also a dream in most people’s lives. So in your resolutions what is one thing you can do to offer love to this earth and its people? What is one thing you can do to bring peace upon earth?


What if each and every one of us makes a resolution that this year, each day, we will awaken grateful for the freedom and compassion we can find within? And then, what if, each and every one of us takes that compassion into our days doing one kind act each day. How easy would it be to be grateful for our day if we pass forward one kind act a day? One person at a time we begin to change the earth!


I wish you all a year of abundant love, peace, joy, and health. May you all work as one to bring that to yourself and everyone around you. Happy New Year!!

Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 6 – Developing Traditions and Rituals

Once there is a split in the parent’s relationship, the world of the child has been severely disrupted and usually feels destroyed. This is a time to create and maintain consistency. It is critical to the healing of your child during this time. So, at the holidays, it is a good idea to address what part of the holiday traditions and rituals are a match to your child and which can be changed. It can be tremendously healing to create a new tradition with new rituals or with old rituals to offer you and your child the opportunity to embrace this new beginning in your lives.


Create your new tradition with your child. Ask what she would like to change or keep. If there had not been a clear tradition prior, then create a tradition with your child. The process of creating a tradition with your child offers him a sense of involvement and importance. It allows him to value the tradition and rituals that you choose to change or create.



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 5 – Defining the Holiday Experience

Now that you are aware of how to create an atmosphere that is friendly and accepting where the loving emotions are prevalent and the gifts are given lovingly and you are communicating, you have the ingredients to create the experience you and your child wish to have during the holiday. What is the experience your child wishes to have? What is the experience you wish to have?


Begin by asking your Self and your child what the ideal holiday would be like. Take notes on what each of you wishes to experience and then as a team, develop an experience that includes each of your dreams. You can find that there is no part of the desired experiences that needs to go unfulfilled. It will take patience and creativity. For example, if your child wants you and your ex-partner to be together, show understanding of that wish. Talk with your child about how he would feel if the family was to be together during the holiday. Take note on the way the child would feel. Ask what the pros and cons of previous holidays were when the family was together. Then help the child to develop an experience that embraces the feeling she is wishing to have during the holiday and help her see she can have the joyousness she is wishing for even if the one family is now two!



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 4 – Communication of the Divorced Family During the Holidays

As the discussion of holidays for children of divorced or separated families continues, the focus is now on communication. The prior three key components to happy holidays for divorced families included acceptance, loving emotions and environment, and gift giving. Communication is inherent in all three and yet must be addressed separately. Communication is the key to all experiences in this life. Given this topic, it is important to keep your communication focused on your and your child’s needs and happiness.


Communication must begin with you. As a parent it is important that you know how you are feeling and what you need. Are you struggling with the loss of the relationship, with low funds, with anger? Or are you feeling freedom and excitement? You want to explore your own feelings and thoughts first. If you are struggling or suffering in some way, take the time to write your feelings and thoughts down in a journal. Review the writings and ask your Self what you need in order to temporarily move beyond these stressful emotions and thoughts. Do you have family or friends or a professional with whom you can trust to help you shift from your pain during the holidays? If not, then reach out to someone!



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 2 – Keep the Love and Joy Alive

In families divided, sometimes it takes effort to keep love in the forefront of the holidays. Yet, for your child, it is critically important that you keep the love and compassion in the forefront of your heart and thoughts. So, how do you do that? Let me start with a brief comment about the necessity of love in a child’s world and then give you some ideas of how to create a love- and joy-filled holiday.


Too often when partners are split, they can find themselves warring, complaining and harshly judging. These behaviors are in absence of love. Partners can make a promise to leave these behaviors in a box until the holidays are over. It is critical that the love be expressed consistently throughout the holidays. A child will respond to the love by opening his or her self to the experience. Love is an experience that opens and unites a family. Fear (which includes anger, dislike, hurt, etc.) is an experience that shuts down and causes fragmentation. Your child can be very sensitive to the differences at a subtle level but when it is an outward expression of fear-based feelings and thoughts, the child will do what he or she can to take it upon themselves to make her or his environment good and loving. That is not a child’s responsibility. It is the parents’ responsibility.



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 1 – Create an Environment of Acceptance

At a time when things can feel broken, it becomes important to find acceptance. But how do you create an environment of acceptance? Begin by finding that place in your Self that feels so accepting of your child. Hold that feeling and see if you can feel it for your Self. Now see if you can feel it for your ex-partner (you may need to remember when you first met!!) Your acceptance of your child allows you to listen to their difference in perception and feeling. It is important to allow an acceptance of the difference of perception and feelings in your Self and your ex-partner as well. During the holidays, especially for divorced family and divided homes, a child is going to have their own internal experiences.


It is critical to avoid warring with your ex-partner at this time. The fragmentation keeps the child externally focused on each parent in order to prevent the plunge into that dangerous territory of destruction (warring, arguing, hate/dislike). Further, the anger and stress that is being felt by estranged partners is felt or intuited by the child and impacts her or his emotions and stress level. A child will take a lot of the fear-based emotions personally. That occurs at many levels but an important piece to understand is that the child will personalize the absence of acceptance between his or her 2 parents. A child will do this in order to keep her or his parents good and omnipotent. A child who has good parents is a safe child. That means that if a child hears the discord he or she feels an absence of safety and then must turn it into a definition of safety. Obviously, that is not a real sense of safety for the child and the child ultimately knows this and is built upon the absence of true safety.



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: 6 Ways To Thrive

How do you make a magikal holiday for your children even though, as parents, you are living separate?


The holiday season can be a challenge for the parents as well as the child when there is divorce or separation in the family. There are several things to consider and/or understand when desiring the best for your children’s and your holiday season. In brief, the child may experience such upsetting emotions as guilt and worry, anger and isolation. If those emotions are not addressed through communication and structure during the holidays, the child continues to grow with those internal experiences and skewed memories.


As parents, your communication with your ex-partner and your child are critical to the happiness and joy of the season. As a parent you too may be experiencing some painful emotions over the experience. It is important that you know how to share your pain with other adults so that you can be happy and proactive in the creation of the holiday season celebrations.



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Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Fl 33432


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