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Coveting Calm ~ Live for Today

With recent events related to COVID-19 and sheltering-in-place, the world has become an unsure, scary, and stressful place. Over the last few weeks your daily routine most likely transformed into a life you barely recognize. You wonder how things you once took for granted – your home, job, relationship, and health, to name a few – became so precarious. It stands to reason, that this uncertain environment has caused your anxiety to spike. You barely know what day it is, and tomorrow doesn’t look much better. So how can you possibly live in “the now”?


Coveting Calm ~ Lack

Let’s not kid ourselves. Being in quarantine is difficult. You feel stressed, shackled, unsure, anxious, bored, confused, lost. The list goes on. One of the other things you’ve probably experienced is a sense of lack. Lack of freedom. Lack of security. Lack of resources. Lack. Lack. Lack. For a while there you couldn’t turn on the news or read social media, without seeing images of empty grocery store shelves. For those who have bothered to venture out, you may have endured long shopping lines. Sure, in many places the situation is improving. You can find toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and antibacterial wipes. But no matter how full the store shelves are, there may still be a part of you that’s impacted by the lack you witnessed. Good news is, in time, you’ll probably forget about these scarce supplies because the physical environment around you will have improved.


Celebrities Leading Addiction Transparency

I was asked if the transparency of celebrities who are suffering with addiction has had an impact on the addicted individuals and their families in the way of treatment and moving forward in life. Here are my thoughts.

I have been working with addiction for over 30 years. What I have seen at the core of all people suffering with addiction is the shame and absence of belonging. So, overall, when someone with social popularity openly presents their personal struggle with addiction, recovery and life, it offers them reprieve from shame and the opportunity to see that their sense of not belonging can exist in anyone. With this as a basis to the understanding of this possible phenomenon, let me list several ways the transparency of celebrities may directly affect those suffering from addiction.

Celebrities are diverse in their cultural and social backgrounds. Therefore, they cross the spectrum of people who find themselves trapped by the challenge of addiction. Our celebrities range from actors to musicians to athletes and more. They come from a diverse background of culture, socioeconomic beginnings, family structure, and social acceptance. Children, adolescents and adults can identify with someone who is a celebrity because of this diversity.

Celebrities are leaders. Leaders who are transparent and genuine create forward thinking, confidence, and ownership in others. As leaders, their transparency is clearly helping to create those characteristics in families of addicts and addicts themselves. They are thinking of ways that they can gain healing from the challenge of addiction and they open themselves to possibilities.

Celebrities have family and friends. Their transparency has allowed for people to see how addiction may enter one person but truly affects all of those around them (team, band, family, friends, fans). They realize the whole family or more must join the idea of recovery. For example, a newly recovered person must be supported by friends and not thrown back into the party scene. Celebrities’ lives have shown that level of support and more.

Celebrities represent success and capability. Their transparency offers the acceptance of addiction among the successful. It also offers the person struggling with addiction the opportunity to imagine being successful once they are beyond drugs and alcohol. Further, because they see continued success and likability in the celebrity, they feel a relief from being socially ostracized and judged for being an addict.

Celebrities have life after addiction and through recovery. They are, consequently, helping families see beyond addiction so that addiction doesn’t feel like an end point in life. The reality of life after addiction is critical to the individuals and families of addiction.


Emoji’s Don’t Emote: Texting Away on Valentine’s Day

How are you going to use texting this Valentine’s Day? Will you text your beloved that you love him or her with a heart-based emoticon? Will you send a text to your friends saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” as a meme or gif? Will you try to be the first to say I love you in a text? Pay attention to how you text on this Valentine’s Day.

Too often people are developing and maintaining their relationships through texting or messaging rather than speaking. That may not be the best way to express our love to those who are important in our lives. It is a day to express our love for our friends and our beloved. Just about every one of us will send at least one text to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” or “I love you.” Be conscious of those texts. Ask yourself, “Would I be as comfortable calling this person(s) and saying exactly what is in the text? If the answer is yes, ask if you would be as comfortable saying it to their face, and then if you are you should do so. If the answer is no, honor that fear within yourself.


Creditors Can Teach Us About Change!

In working with individuals who are in relationships, many of them want more out of their relationships. I find myself saying, “you must hold steady in the experience you wish to have to create change in the relationship.” Often times, the person doesn’t want to believe in the teachings. So let me give you a metaphor.

A creditor will demand that you pay what you owe. They do not care how much you’re going through, how much you’re trying, who you are, your integrity, or myriad of other things that might make you special. They know they want you to behave based upon the experience they wish to have: Pay the amount they tell you to pay by the date they tell you to pay it. You can get angry, you can rebel not pay, you can yell and scream at them because they should give you a break, or a variety of other behaviors, emotions, thoughts. No matter what it is you do, however, the creditor holds steady and tells you either you pay what is owed or exactly what the creditor said would happen will happen. Fees will be applied and more fees will be applied until one day you were sent to a collection agency at which time your phone will blow up with multiple phone calls and you will be demanded to pay until you either start to pay, don’t pay and ignore them, or claim bankruptcy.


Exploring the True Intention Of “Do unto Others as You Would Have Them Do unto You”

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How often did you hear that in your life? How often have you said it quietly to yourself or out loud to others? Have you ever stopped to think about the depth of meaning in that wisdom? Let’s address the meaning and significance of this wisdom.


I previously wrote about passing it forward. If you read that, you know that the intention behind what we say, do, and give is critical!! It’s also critical how we receive. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s telling you that everything you do, say, think, or project (in anyway) is to be in the name of how you would like to experience it. That’s a very very steep challenge. And yet, you are all capable of achieving it: one baby step at a time. The challenge begins with an understanding of the cycle of doing unto others in the way you wish for them to do unto you! I will then address three areas of mastering the wisdom of doing unto others. Each is a bit deeper than the previous. I will address awareness as it relates to the behaviors and words spoken. Then I will move inside to the thoughts you may have so you can gain an awareness of your thoughts. Finally, I will address intention – the most internal piece of expressing onto others!


Do unto others is also about how you receive. Receiving is doing unto others. Have you ever attempted to give a gift and the person literally rejects it? Or, have you ever given a gift that someone is not comfortable receiving? And what is it like when you give a gift that is received gratefully and open heartedly? The circle in life says what we pass forward will always come back! We will always do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Whatever we do, in any way, shape, and form, we are passing that forward. Even if it’s only an intention. For example, I buy somebody a gift to make them feel guilty. That is not a very nice gift. The intention behind it is hurtful. Guilt is hurtful. So that is passed forward. And it comes back one day so that you have given in the way you want to receive. You have done unto others as you would have them do unto you??



Relationships: From Endings to New Beginnings

Life is defined by the relationships. Your relationships with your Self, partner, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, animals, plants, Mother Earth, Father Sky, Spirit, God, etc. define your life. How you communicate in those relationships defines the relationships that define your life. As this new year begins, I offer you all the opportunity to look at your relationship with all that and who are in your life in any capacity. Where you have joy and fulfillment within you as a result of the relationship, prosper that relationship! Usually, however, relationships go through various changes and challenges and have various meanings in your life. Today, I want to address those relationships that you, for one reason or another, distanced your Self from in 2015.


Every person on this earth has their own life purpose and path. Each person has free will. The free will is what allows everyone the unique opportunity to find joy, acceptance, and love in this life or suffer with hurt, abandonment, and fear. In your relationships, you may get frustrated or hurt by another’s choices, behaviors, or absence. Many of you will retract back from the relationship with thoughts that, inadvertently, propagate the hurt from the other’s actions. You will judge their behaviors or choices as against you and, therefore, unworthy of a relationship with you. But, what if, that other was coming from a very different place than what you expected, assumed or felt? Did you, for the love of your Self, take the time to ask them?


Often times, in your closest friendships and in your partnerships, your greatest challenges are presented. That is by design. You are here with a purpose. That purpose is to heal the suffering and to open your Self to the truth of what and who you are. So, your best friends, partners, and family will be those souls in your life who are here to help you achieve your greater purpose in this life. Where, in your closest relationships, you may feel deep betrayal or hurt, it is an opportunity to ask why it is in your life and to heal the wound. If you choose (and you may) to walk away from the relationship or distance your Self from the other, you have inadvertently chosen to push aside life’s gift. The gift is the healing of the suffering that is within you. The healing is given the opportunity to occur in and as a result of the relationship. For example that same person who frustrated, hurt, shamed or betrayed you may create the exact same experience with another but that other may not have the same emotional reaction/s. This is because your history is what allows those fear-based emotions to be tied to that particular experience with the other.


So, in this new year and new beginning, ask your Self if there is a relationship in your life that needs to be healed. It may be a relationship that truly needed a new beginning because of whatever lead to the dissolution or distancing. There is a reason why the relationship suffered. It offers each of you the opportunity to ask what lead up to this event. What part of your experience in the relationship was not being fulfilled prior to the upset? Were you speaking your needs clearly? Were you letting the other know when the smaller “things” hurt or bothered you? Did you let your Self be known to the other in terms of how you define that type of relationship and the experience you wished to have with them?


I ask each and every one of you to look at all past and present relationships and ask your Self which ones you have created a gentle distance, a significant distance, or dissolution. Then I challenge each of you to address that/those relationships this year. What will it take to feel a mending of your wounds? I challenge you to find the strength and courage to face the other with your needs and emotional reactions. You are not addressing them to get them to change but to speak on your own behalf and begin your healing. Create a new beginning for your Self.


I wish each of you a wonderful, love-filled experience with your Self as you venture forth and address at least one relationship that needs mending. Feel free to use AskKristen on my website or send me an email, if you would like more specific support to your unique challenging relationship in life.

Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 6 – Developing Traditions and Rituals

Once there is a split in the parent’s relationship, the world of the child has been severely disrupted and usually feels destroyed. This is a time to create and maintain consistency. It is critical to the healing of your child during this time. So, at the holidays, it is a good idea to address what part of the holiday traditions and rituals are a match to your child and which can be changed. It can be tremendously healing to create a new tradition with new rituals or with old rituals to offer you and your child the opportunity to embrace this new beginning in your lives.


Create your new tradition with your child. Ask what she would like to change or keep. If there had not been a clear tradition prior, then create a tradition with your child. The process of creating a tradition with your child offers him a sense of involvement and importance. It allows him to value the tradition and rituals that you choose to change or create.



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 5 – Defining the Holiday Experience

Now that you are aware of how to create an atmosphere that is friendly and accepting where the loving emotions are prevalent and the gifts are given lovingly and you are communicating, you have the ingredients to create the experience you and your child wish to have during the holiday. What is the experience your child wishes to have? What is the experience you wish to have?


Begin by asking your Self and your child what the ideal holiday would be like. Take notes on what each of you wishes to experience and then as a team, develop an experience that includes each of your dreams. You can find that there is no part of the desired experiences that needs to go unfulfilled. It will take patience and creativity. For example, if your child wants you and your ex-partner to be together, show understanding of that wish. Talk with your child about how he would feel if the family was to be together during the holiday. Take note on the way the child would feel. Ask what the pros and cons of previous holidays were when the family was together. Then help the child to develop an experience that embraces the feeling she is wishing to have during the holiday and help her see she can have the joyousness she is wishing for even if the one family is now two!



Divorce Doesn’t Have To Ruin The Holidays: Key 4 – Communication of the Divorced Family During the Holidays

As the discussion of holidays for children of divorced or separated families continues, the focus is now on communication. The prior three key components to happy holidays for divorced families included acceptance, loving emotions and environment, and gift giving. Communication is inherent in all three and yet must be addressed separately. Communication is the key to all experiences in this life. Given this topic, it is important to keep your communication focused on your and your child’s needs and happiness.


Communication must begin with you. As a parent it is important that you know how you are feeling and what you need. Are you struggling with the loss of the relationship, with low funds, with anger? Or are you feeling freedom and excitement? You want to explore your own feelings and thoughts first. If you are struggling or suffering in some way, take the time to write your feelings and thoughts down in a journal. Review the writings and ask your Self what you need in order to temporarily move beyond these stressful emotions and thoughts. Do you have family or friends or a professional with whom you can trust to help you shift from your pain during the holidays? If not, then reach out to someone!



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Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Fl 33432


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