In families divided, sometimes it takes effort to keep love in the forefront of the holidays. Yet, for your child, it is critically important that you keep the love and compassion in the forefront of your heart and thoughts. So, how do you do that? Let me start with a brief comment about the necessity of love in a child’s world and then give you some ideas of how to create a love- and joy-filled holiday.

Too often when partners are split, they can find themselves warring, complaining and harshly judging. These behaviors are in absence of love. Partners can make a promise to leave these behaviors in a box until the holidays are over. It is critical that the love be expressed consistently throughout the holidays. A child will respond to the love by opening his or her self to the experience. Love is an experience that opens and unites a family. Fear (which includes anger, dislike, hurt, etc.) is an experience that shuts down and causes fragmentation. Your child can be very sensitive to the differences at a subtle level but when it is an outward expression of fear-based feelings and thoughts, the child will do what he or she can to take it upon themselves to make her or his environment good and loving. That is not a child’s responsibility. It is the parents’ responsibility.

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At a time when things can feel broken, it becomes important to find acceptance. But how do you create an environment of acceptance? Begin by finding that place in your Self that feels so accepting of your child. Hold that feeling and see if you can feel it for your Self. Now see if you can feel it for your ex-partner (you may need to remember when you first met!!) Your acceptance of your child allows you to listen to their difference in perception and feeling. It is important to allow an acceptance of the difference of perception and feelings in your Self and your ex-partner as well. During the holidays, especially for divorced family and divided homes, a child is going to have their own internal experiences.

It is critical to avoid warring with your ex-partner at this time. The fragmentation keeps the child externally focused on each parent in order to prevent the plunge into that dangerous territory of destruction (warring, arguing, hate/dislike). Further, the anger and stress that is being felt by estranged partners is felt or intuited by the child and impacts her or his emotions and stress level. A child will take a lot of the fear-based emotions personally. That occurs at many levels but an important piece to understand is that the child will personalize the absence of acceptance between his or her 2 parents. A child will do this in order to keep her or his parents good and omnipotent. A child who has good parents is a safe child. That means that if a child hears the discord he or she feels an absence of safety and then must turn it into a definition of safety. Obviously, that is not a real sense of safety for the child and the child ultimately knows this and is built upon the absence of true safety.

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How do you make a magikal holiday for your children even though, as parents, you are living separate?

The holiday season can be a challenge for the parents as well as the child when there is divorce or separation in the family. There are several things to consider and/or understand when desiring the best for your children’s and your holiday season. In brief, the child may experience such upsetting emotions as guilt and worry, anger and isolation. If those emotions are not addressed through communication and structure during the holidays, the child continues to grow with those internal experiences and skewed memories.

As parents, your communication with your ex-partner and your child are critical to the happiness and joy of the season. As a parent you too may be experiencing some painful emotions over the experience. It is important that you know how to share your pain with other adults so that you can be happy and proactive in the creation of the holiday season celebrations.

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Are you grateful? Do you acknowledge that for which you are grateful on a daily basis? Will you verbalize your gratitude on this Thanksgiving?

Too often on this holiday, people eat, drink and gather but forget the essence of this day. It is a day of gratitude for sure! Yet, it is a day set aside to feel the gratitude of the essence of this country: unity, harmony, and acceptance! To feel the gratitude for the freedom that this country offers you! For me, it is also a time to acknowledge my gratitude for the American Indians because this day is a day that marks their loss of freedom and peace as they knew it prior to the white man’s arrival. And yet, it is a day to be grateful for all they give for they are an integral part of what makes us
Americans.

On this day of gratitude for our freedom can we each find a place in our hearts, prayers, and thoughts to also thank the American Indians for their sacrifice and for their teachings!! This day marks their gift of this land and the teachings of the symbols that abound on all of earth and speak to each of us of our lives. They teach us of wisdom or knowingness beyond the knowledge and the ego’s need to know. They offer us the opportunity to observe what it is like to be humble and to honor the animal who is to sacrifice its life for us to live. They offer us the opportunity to know the plants that feed us and heal us. They give us the opportunity to learn to honor our elders and their wisdom. And more than anything, they offer us the opportunity to know that we can all live in community, in harmony, in unity without warfare and prejudice. For it was the white man who brought with them the notion of warfare among each other and judgment that gave the right to that warfare.

I am grateful for my life and that we all are immigrants to the land that was once a peaceful land of Indians. I am grateful to be an American. I am grateful that our forefathers built this dream on high spiritual principles of unity, harmony, equality and freedom. I am grateful that our warriors are fighting for these principles. I will be more grateful to see peace and freedom abound on this earth. I will honor all of those whose lives have been destroyed by unnecessary warfare and or religious judgment. I am grateful to be a person who leads with love and acceptance.

I wish you all a very love-filled day of thanks and acceptance for all that is and for all who are. It is in the absence of judgment that we will be able to feel the freedom we have been offered!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families!!

With warmth and gratitude,
Kristen

The most common questions I get asked during the holidays are “How do you stay so calm and relaxed? Don’t you feel the stress?” It is usually followed by the question, “How do I cope with the stress of the holidays?” There is no real secret. I live by knowing what I wish to experience in most of my life. It is in that knowing that I stay within my comfort and calm. Let me lead with an example: I do not enjoy shopping but I do enjoy buying gifts! So, I sit quietly with a glass of wine or hot tea and relax on my dock and create a list. It is never a complete exhaustive list but it is always inclusive of the key people in my life. Then I thoroughly enjoy thinking of a special gift. Once I have comfortable come to a completion of developing the list, I stop. I may stop before I have a gift listed for everyone and for me that is ok! I know for whom I am still thinking about gifts. I keep my eyes open throughout the days until something goes “Yea! That’s it!” I then add that idea to the list. I enjoy this process!! It’s fun for me!! I may also add people to my list as I go forward.

I remember when I was married. My husband was a Grinch when it came to shopping for the holidays until one day I said, “Follow me. We are going to go to Capital Grill in the mall and have a drink and strategize this event. It will be fun, I promise.” He agreed!! We sat and had some hors d’oeuvres at the bar and created a list of everyone for whom we had to buy. We then added the gift or store from which we wanted to purchase. We then ordered the shops by virtue of where they were in the mall. I made a reservation for dinner at Capital Grill for 1.5 hours later. The challenge was to get all the shopping done and get back to the restaurant before the reservation! He thought I was crazy until we had a ball together! We did the same routine every year and every year we enjoyed the experience together!

So, I was asked to speak to a business group regarding Stress and the Holidays so I handed out cards with 3 questions what are the top 3 stressors for you during the holidays, what are your coping mechanisms for stress, and what is your number one question regarding stress. The answers are the basis to this blog article. I hope this is helpful to you all!! Happy Holidays!

YOUR TOP STRESSORS

As you read this list you can see there are numerous “things” that influence stress in peoples’ lives. As I mentioned in the talk, stress only occurs where there are expectations. So, let’s look at the stressors and see the patterns of expectations that weave through them.

The shopping for and matching and buying of gifts are often stressors due to the buyer’s need to meet the expectations of the recipient so that they are pleased. You forget that YOU are the greatest gift! What kinds of gifts can you give that are simply of you. The need to spend on gifts suggests that the gift of YOU is not valued the same. The shopping and time can of course feel like a part of the too much to do! Again, you are feeling stress from the expectations of getting “it” all done. What would you like to do? Guilt that may be felt around having to buy gifts for those who bought you gifts is pure expectation and fear of judgment! It is okay to simply receive!!! In order for giving to be complete you simply have to receive. You obviously give of YOURSELF in some way to the person who bought you a gift. Allow your Self to be the gift they received! Thanks and gratitude are generally ALL the giver needs to feel complete. If a charity felt they had to give a gift to everyone who gifted them where would they be? It is not necessary to give a gift to everyone who gives a gift to you!

The traffic, crowds, travel, and lines can all have a crossover with the juggling numerous activities at once and time restrictions. You are only restricted by time when you are doing more than you are wishing to do or are able to do. You are only doing too much because you think you “should” (expectations). What are you able to do and what would you wish to do to prepare for a holiday celebration? What kind of holiday celebration would you like to experience? Allow your Self to define the holidays as you would like to experience them. Given that experience and your preferences, accept your money and work schedule. Another aspect of these stressors is to find a way to enjoy the crowds and lines. Make it a personal challenge to spread smiles! Leave yourself enough time to accept the lines and crowds. Or shop in a way that does not require you to deal with traffic, crowds, and lines. Once you have put these small tasks into motion, see how you can begin to build a more relaxed enjoyable holiday experience. A final note about being around others: being around stressed people can increase your stress. Stress or anxiety is contagious. You can feel it from others. Again this is why it is critical to know the experience YOU wish to have. Others’ experiences, then, are less likely to be of influence.

The events that occur during the holidays are intended to be for celebration and gratitude for the relationships shared. Yet, for many, the events become expectations and then when they are in conflict with other events or there are just too many, people can feel stress from not being able to go to all events “as expected”. This is counter to the intent of most events. There is always someone somewhere who is going to have to say no. Why can’t that be you? It is inside you that YOU come up with the reasons why you cannot say no. Yet, when you are struggling to NOT say no, ask yourself if you would say no in a situation where there was a necessity (illness, travel, etc.). If you would, then you can say no simply because it is necessary for YOU to say no! Learn to listen to your Self. Honor your Self first and then honor the invitations! Learn to stop responding to the expectations of others. If you are struggling with the abiity to say “No” then more than likely you are feeling the pressure of too much to do!

Then there are the guests and family that we have to entertain or by whom be entertained! I think if you were to sit quietly in your thoughts, you would be able to define the expectations of these others and see how you are trying to meet the demands and expectations of the many instead of staying within your own experience and self. If you cannot get to every family member’s homes then you cannot. If they cannot all get to yours, then they cannot. And what about the way family sees family? The dynamics of family can be conflictual because of perceptions. Growing up together everyone has very different views of themselves and each other.

HOW YOU COPE

All of the coping strategies up until number 18 are valid. If you are not using them, you may want to explore the use of several of them. Anyhting you may do in a ceremonial or ritualistic way can be healing and releasing of stress.

I want to address the use of “doing” in reaction to stress separately. The act of “doing” so that you can avoid the stress, keeps the stress and it’s destructive impact alive in the background. Think about it, to avoid something you must know where it is in order to stay away from it. Consequently, if you are staying active in order to avoid stress you must know what and where the stress is to keep it at bay. If, however, you are “doing” in order to keep moving through a “to do” list, then you are coping!! Mostly because putting something off, or procrastinating, can increase the stress as you get anticipate it coming due. How are you using activity or “doing”? If it is in the former way, you may want to stop and relax, meditate, journal, or breathe!! If it is the former, good for you!!

Let’s look at alcohol, drugs, and food. They are all stressors in our lives unless used in moderation and without connection to emotion. Once any of these are connected to our emotions, in particular, avoiding or masking them, they become significant stressors and can become habitual and, consequently, destructive. When I talk of drugs, I include prescriptions. During the holidays it becomes particularly easy to use substances to avoid the emotional and physical stress. Unfortunately, however, we are a people of dependent style. We tend to be externally focused. These characteristics lend to the use of substance to calm us, heal us, and take care of us. The truth is, it doesn’t work. Substance, whether, alcohol, drugs, or food, do not calm, heal, or take care of us at a time of stress, anxiety, or fear. When we use them to do so, we are further increasing the physical stressors and, at times, the chemical and emotional stressors which is further destroying ourselves. If you find yourself using any of the three during stressful times, do not judge yourself or label yourself. I would, however, recommend you speak to someone who can help you sort through the stress and the need for care. You need a person and your Self at those times not substance.

YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT STRESS

In order to cope with stress you must know your stressors and the expectations associated with them. Once you are aware of that you can begin the process of developing the experience you wish to have in various situations. Knowing the experience you wish to have in any situation in life allows you a great opening to see the expectations of others and how you were and are trying to meet them. Being able to live beyond expectations removes a HUGE percentage of stress. It allows you to begin to live in absence of stress. What I mean by that is we may have stress approach you but you are so aware of the experience you wish to have that you address and move beyond the stressor immediately. You are no longer avoiding or skirting the stressor but knowing what you wish to do allows you to eliminate it – gracefully.

I am very often asked why we would want to live without stress. Some think it motivates them, some think it protects them, and some think it is serves them in other ways. The truth is that stress does not need to exist – at all. Our lives have become so “demanding” that we have introduced stress into it and have then glamourized it. We have huge profitability in “Stress Management” programs. So, it is imperative that we have stress so that we can be taught how to manage it! To some of my Executive officers with whom I work, they say “At work stress is good because it is fun and part of the relationships!” Ugh! There is, ultimately, no need for stress. At the beginning, we made need some stress to keep us alert to danger, but only at the beginning. Once we are living in absence of fear, we have no use for stress or stressors.

Never do you want to avoid! Certainly you do not want to avoid stress because the very act of “trying” to avoid stress creates stress!! Aaah! Please do not try to avoid stress! Allow your Self to stay aware of what stresses you and then ask yourself what the expectations are that define it. Then you can ask how to move beyond those expectations if it isn’t already clear.

We get sick from stress because it weakens the immune system. If you eliminate or mitigate stress, obviously you eliminate illness from it. From the beginning, with the indigenous people around the world, it was known that “stress” (imbalance) causes illness and injury. In order to truly eliminate illness due to stress, you must eliminate stress. If, however, you are feeling stressed and don’t want to get sick, I recommend you use a Germ Bullet to ward off most illnesses that are able to attack you during a weakened immune response to stress. For more information on the Germ Bullet, please go to nsaroma.com or call 561.393.0065.

The bottom line is this: in order to live without the impact of stress you must eliminate it. There are many ways to “manage” the stress you have and that is wonderful as the first step. Once you are managing your stress, you need to eliminate it. Or, for some of you who are achievement oriented, you can go directly to eliminating your stress!

I thank you all for the opportunity! May your days be free, fun, and without expectations!

Anger. How do we express anger so that we heal? Why is it that our anger continues to perpetuate? How do we get attached to anger?!!

Let’s lay the groundwork.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It occurs in response to any one of many fear-based emotions. Fear-based emotion could be fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, attachment, abandonment, and loneliness etc. – get the picture? So, anytime we are angry it is possible to ask “What is the emotion that exists before the anger?” That is an important part of the equation of anger becoming perpetual.
Oftentimes, people can feel and are aware of their wish to hold onto their anger at another person or entity. It feels as if that anger is purposeful and warranted. There are a couple factors that are responsible for that.

First, the original anger and its cause are probably a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Most people do not know how to express their anger and, therefore, do not know how to find closure to that unhealthy situation. Also, if that unhealthy situation played out repeatedly in a relationship or over one’s life, then the anger felt is built up over various experiences and is then ready to be released perpetually — over and over and over again.

Second, most people learn to use their anger not express it. Whatever the underlying emotions are that caused the anger, when you use your anger you are spewing forth the anger in an effort to make the other person feel those primary feelings. When you are expressing your anger you are expressing your primary feelings in an angry tone and, consequently, are initiating the healing of the anger. You are also beginning the effort to put closure to that which caused the anger.

Why you get attached to your anger:
As I just mentioned, most are taught to use it but not to express anger. So you want the other to hurt because the other hurt you! You may still be angry and, so, you want to hurt that person more – even if in your thoughts. Or maybe you start getting your friends to agree with your anger and maybe even further fuel it. Now, your anger is starting to get fueled rather than healed and you start to realize the other feelings that you may be feeling as a result of the original situation(s). Consequently, subconsciously or consciously, you want that other to now feel bad and to feel shame, guilt and unwanted because of everything you have felt!!!!! This causes a loop within us. Because we have to stay focused on everything the other did, in order to make him or her feel those feelings, you continue to reignite and feel the very memory of the yucky event! You inadvertently keep that event alive in order to use it. It is this loop that gets us attached to the anger.

At this point it becomes very difficult to release the anger or even feel like you want to release the anger. You have now bought into the ugliness of the pain and that ugliness is the very fuel necessary for the anger to make sure it always has food to feed upon. If this continues, you may slowly begin to use the anger to talk about the other with various others. You may find yourself using the anger with your other to feel heard about how you hurt and what you need. Some may even find that the anger fuels great humor in their conversations by using the story of the other with a sarcastic twist. Others may find this anger to be the perfect excuse to warrant abuse, or assault. Many will just lose control of their expression and find themselves lashing out physically, verbally, and or emotionally. Any or all of this and more describes the attachment to your anger!

Once you are attached to the anger, it is very difficult to release it because it now serves you. The release of your attachment to the anger is another chapter!! In the meantime, thank you so much for your time and your feedback. May you all begin to listen to your anger and what it is teaching you! If you have ANY questions please feel free to comment below, or you can write me at AskKristen@kristenbomas.com. Peace be with you!

Little Bug

It’s nice to be back in touch with you all. Thank you for opening my newsletter and for being a valuable part of my life and career. It has been an unusual summer and it’s happenings are why I have not been actively writing. Yet, it is the very happenings in life that open us to the greater aspects of life. Let me share…

After 12 years of companionship, I lost my pug, Little Bug, tragically and unexpectedly. Then 6 weeks later, exactly, I lost my adopted dog, Miss Jiff. She too was a sudden loss and unexpected. Between those two deaths, I lost my Aunt, my mother’s sister. Crazy right??! I had 3 very close friends who, in those same weeks, lost their animals. Little Bug and Miss Jiff offered me many gifts in their lives with me. Consequently, in their deaths, they offered me gifts as well. Animals are here to serve us and to reflect to us what we need to heal. They are an integral part of our purpose on this plane. Death and loss are also integral to our purposes. We lose relationships from break up, divorce, and death. Each ending opens us to something new in our Self and in our life. (In order for one minute to exist the previous minute must die.)

Many, who feel loss as painful, deal with it by diverting their attentions so that they do not think about the loss or death. On the morning after Little Bug died, I was with a friend who was talking about pictures he had taken in the Everglades. Periodically, I would look out onto my patio and think of Little Bug and feel the need to cry. Then I would reconnect to what he was saying and I would feel the emotion push down while I attended externally to the story. Finally, I looked at my friend and said:
I can’t wait until you leave so I can cry! Not that I want you to go, but I can feel the need to be alone and allow this to be released. I am amazed how I look outside the window and feel the resurgence of the sadness and then when I listen to you it is pushed back down. I can only imagine that this is how the majority of people choose to “cope” with the hurt of their losses — they stay externally focused so that they do not have to “feel”!!!

For many with grief, it may appear that time helps us move through the stages and come to a comfort of some sort. But time does not necessarily heal. Our release of the pain and that which causes it does. If we stay away from the crying and the release and wait for time to pass, we do not have the opportunity to heal. That is why so often years down the road, you may find yourself crying with the very grief you felt at the time of loss.

Miss Jiff

Many people have asked me how I am doing so well with the losses I have experienced in such short succession. There are several reasons. One is because I live In a state of acceptance and because I have healed a large part of my fears of loss. I still feel the sadness but not the devastation. Consequently, the sadness heals quickly and allows for me to move into a place of enjoying the lives gifted me. Those who cross over do not want you to suffer. That is not, ultimately, why they passed in the way they did and at the time they did. Second, their deaths were in the natural order of things. Our pets and older relatives usually pass before we do. Third, I took the time to understand why. Why they passed when they did and how they did. What the gifts in their passing are and will be. Fourth, my genuine feeling they are in a great place and that their time here was complete. I am then able to let them go. They are on their journey and I am in a place where I do not want to hold them back.

There are several more magical teachings that came out of this time in my life. I will share those at another time. I have enjoyed the unfolding of life that has occurred as a result of my experiences. Yet, it feels great to be back on a “normal” schedule and to be writing again. I thank you all for joining me in my weekly ponderings.

Acknowledgements: I would like to personally thank, Dr. Nancy Keller and Dr. Ayla Akbulut for their magnificent teamwork in the treatment of my animals – those who passed and those who are still with me. I would also like to thank Dr. Kim Simons and Lap of Love for the in-home euthanasia. And finally, with all my heart, I would like to thank my family (Mom and Sister) and friends: Deborah Paiva, John Chervenak and Sue Singer, Pat Price, Michael Lynch, Mary Sol Gonzales, Melissa Knight, Milagros Castro, Michelle Worthington, and John Morales.

Why are you attached to seeing what isn’t good enough? Or, maybe you find your Self feeling like everyone is against you in some way, e.g., cannot be trusted, take from you, rip you off, talk behind your back? These are signs of living in a state of misery or fear.

If you are familiar with my writings you know that all emotions can be categorized as either love-based or fear-based. So, let’s simplify the addiction-to-misery philosophy. If misery/depression is a fear-based experience then it is going to need to create a fear-based environment to thrive. Make sense? Consequently, it is not just the feeling but the context within which it thrives.

So, if you know someone or are someone who is constantly sad, worried, or depressed, how might it serve them or you to be in that fear-based state of existence? Don’t say it doesn’t!! Don’t judge the answer!! Just listen to your inner voice as it starts to answer the question: How does it serve me to stay focused on the negative? The question feels like: what am I hoping to see happen as a result of this pattern or behavior or what is the wish behind the pattern or behavior?

Oftentimes, people find that they are feeling lonely and as if no one cares. They may then find that it serves them to be in misery because people try to help them or pull them out — or more! They get to the point where they feel “comfortable” in their discomfort and don’t know why. That is precisely why we ask our Self at that time, “How does it serve me?”.

We live in a fear-driven society. So, initially, people attend to the misery, pain, suffering of others. Life, however, is not experienced in the suffering but in the joy and happiness of living. Consequently, after time, people begin to pull away or create limited relationships with those who stay in their misery or pain. It is at this point of others pulling away that the pained person feels the futility of hoping for happiness and feels as if they have a right to be depressed or negative.

There is yet another level of kick from this pattern. If you or the person you know is in a state of believing others are “always” against you in some way, then you have probably developed a defensive stance that is not trusting. If someone is in a world of not trusting, how do they know trust? They don’t. Consequently, they find themselves picking the contractor, employee, or life-partner who is limited in their ability to be trusted. The outcome is again feeling the futility that there is anyone out there worth trusting.

To heal, you must be ready to feel happy. Then it is a matter of becoming aware of how pervasive the pattern is in your life. Once you have a solid awareness, you find your answers to how it serves you. Then you work on the needs that come out of that answer. Your Soulful Self or True Self is nothing but love. There is nothing to fear about love. Going toward the truth of who you are begins opening the doors to love and fulfillment. It is an expansive experience that never stops expanding. The fear that consumes you when you are living in pain, limits you and makes you feel small, insignificant. Which would you rather experience? Take the plunge. Dive into your Self and learn the experiences you truly wish to have in this life and go for it!!

Everyone is in relationship with self and others. Do you find even one of these relationships to be truly fulfilling? Do these relationships allow you to live the life you wish to share with that other? If not, let’s look at one way you can begin to create positive change in your relationships.

In this life, “we judge others in the way we are fearful of being judged”. In our closest relationships our challenges are continually illuminated. What that means is that if you are not comfortable, or aware of those challenges it can be a setup to judge your partner, friend, and/or family member as not good enough in some way. Does judgment of another help you reach the type of relationship you are looking to have? Does judgement bring you fulfillment and love? Is the judgment of the other teaching them what you need and/or who you are? Would you like to be judged rather than understood?

Judgment fragments relationships. It feeds the fear. Fear is suffering. Fear is the absence of love. If we have judgments within us, we can become aware of that which we are afraid of having judged by others.

Okay, let’s move to the relationship. If you judge the other without awareness to what your own fears are, that fear within you is being fed in the relationship. If that fear is there, no matter how the relationship grows or goes, the fear remains. Therefore, you cannot perceive change in the relationship or change in the other. The very fear that causes the judgments have been fed within you and continue to thrive. Therefore, they will continue to force judgment. Not pretty. Certainly not fulfilling. So, how do we turn this around?

The absence of fear is love. We must be willing to love our Self. It is in that love of self that we begin to heal the very fears that propagate the judgment. While doing that, there is something else you can do. Begin each day with love and compassion for the other. Shift your view of them from not good enough to a human with challenges and approach the relationship with a warmth, caring and compassion that allows you to explore the other. What is happening in the other when they do the things they do? More importantly, why do those things have an affect on you? From where do those reactions come? What did you buy into that allows those behaviors, thoughts, experiences to trigger fear-based emotion and judgment within you?

Start today, right now! Feel love and compassion for at least an aspect of your partner or a person in your life who can frustrate you. Now, think about them only with thoughts of caring, love. See them through eyes of acceptance, speak to them with words of compassion. If you do this for one hour you will see a difference. Then build upon what you learn in that hour!

Compassion breeds compassion. Judgment breeds judgment. Love breeds love. Fear breeds fear.
Love is the absence of fear and fear is the absence of love. Go forth into your relationships with the qualities that you wish to experience. Plant the seeds of compassion, fertilize them with your heart.

It’s graduation time! It is a time when many are graduating high school or college. In either situation, it is a time to say goodbye and yet a time to say hello. It is a time of letting go. Both graduations are critical life events that offer great new beginnings in our students’ lives.

For those who are graduating high school, it is an opportunity for our teens to take all you have taught and given them and embark upon this life on their own. It is a grand new beginning for all of you. As parents you can sit back and enjoy the gift of your child’s unfolding and learning. Yet, it comes with the goodbye to what was so that you can say hello to what will be. The relationships that have been will change both with friends and with family. Your child has become an adult who will forge a different type of relationship with you. They will begin exploring new aspects of life, job, career, education. So, it is a time for you to begin exploring them as they continue to change.

Some high-school students will go away and some will stay. If your child stays at home are you prepared to change the relationship to one with an adult who you are no longer parenting? How do you allow this new beginning for all of you if the living situation remains the same? It is a critical time. If the teen remains in the same relationship with you as he or she had while in high school, they may not gain the self sufficiency and confidence they need to achieve in their own lives.

For those who are graduating college, it can be a very wonderful time for parents and students and yet it is a further loss. The student is now moving into their own life outside a structured, safe environment. Some will move further away, some will stay close to the college they attended, some will return to their home town, and some will return home. Each choice is a critical choice to your student. How do we as parents stay abreast of our student’s thoughts, desires, and dreams and continue to believe in them and to help them believe in their Self. If your student chooses to move home and does not have a career position, how do you remain in an adult relationship with them and yet remain a parent who explores and guides them? What if your student has graduated but does not like their area of study? There are many changes that can occur at his time in your child’s life. There are many solutions and resources available for them at this time.

To you all, congratulations! For you are the critical component of the success in your children and their lives.