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Self Help

February 13, 2018

Emoji’s Don’t Emote: Texting Away on Valentine’s Day

How are you going to use texting this Valentine’s Day? Will you text your beloved that you love him or her with a heart-based emoticon? Will you send a text to your friends saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” as a meme or gif? Will you try to be the first to say I love you in a text? Pay attention to how you text on this Valentine’s Day.

Too often people are developing and maintaining their relationships through texting or messaging rather than speaking. That may not be the best way to express our love to those who are important in our lives. It is a day to express our love for our friends and our beloved. Just about every one of us will send at least one text to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” or “I love you.” Be conscious of those texts. Ask yourself, “Would I be as comfortable calling this person(s) and saying exactly what is in the text? If the answer is yes, ask if you would be as comfortable saying it to their face, and then if you are you should do so. If the answer is no, honor that fear within yourself.

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November 15, 2017

The Loss of a Child: Siblings

Last week I spoke about the loss of a child but what if that child who crossed over had siblings? Parents grieve in one way and siblings grieve in another. At a time of deep grief, how do the siblings feel parenting from parents who are lost in their own grief?

Going through the loss of a child can be very difficult for parents and siblings. Yet it can be very difficult for them to “share” in the loss. The parents may be feeling one set of emotions while the siblings may be feeling differently. Parents may feel the helplessness of not being able to protect the lost child. They may feel an emptiness that is unique to mother or father. They may feel a devastation that erupts from letting the child free into life only to now endure their crossing over. They may feel the loss of the dreams they had tied to that child. The list goes on.

The siblings, on the other hand, may have feelings of having lost a best friend, or a part of their self. They may feel guilt for surviving or for not getting along with their sibling. They may feel a loss of their own dream because their family is shattered.

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November 1, 2017

Creditors Can Teach Us About Change!

In working with individuals who are in relationships, many of them want more out of their relationships. I find myself saying, “you must hold steady in the experience you wish to have to create change in the relationship.” Often times, the person doesn’t want to believe in the teachings. So let me give you a metaphor.

A creditor will demand that you pay what you owe. They do not care how much you’re going through, how much you’re trying, who you are, your integrity, or myriad of other things that might make you special. They know they want you to behave based upon the experience they wish to have: Pay the amount they tell you to pay by the date they tell you to pay it. You can get angry, you can rebel not pay, you can yell and scream at them because they should give you a break, or a variety of other behaviors, emotions, thoughts. No matter what it is you do, however, the creditor holds steady and tells you either you pay what is owed or exactly what the creditor said would happen will happen. Fees will be applied and more fees will be applied until one day you were sent to a collection agency at which time your phone will blow up with multiple phone calls and you will be demanded to pay until you either start to pay, don’t pay and ignore them, or claim bankruptcy.

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January 20, 2016

Exploring the True Intention Of “Do unto Others as You Would Have Them Do unto You”

GBH Presentation

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How often did you hear that in your life? How often have you said it quietly to yourself or out loud to others? Have you ever stopped to think about the depth of meaning in that wisdom? Let’s address the meaning and significance of this wisdom.

 

I previously wrote about passing it forward. If you read that, you know that the intention behind what we say, do, and give is critical!! It’s also critical how we receive. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s telling you that everything you do, say, think, or project (in anyway) is to be in the name of how you would like to experience it. That’s a very very steep challenge. And yet, you are all capable of achieving it: one baby step at a time. The challenge begins with an understanding of the cycle of doing unto others in the way you wish for them to do unto you! I will then address three areas of mastering the wisdom of doing unto others. Each is a bit deeper than the previous. I will address awareness as it relates to the behaviors and words spoken. Then I will move inside to the thoughts you may have so you can gain an awareness of your thoughts. Finally, I will address intention – the most internal piece of expressing onto others!

 

Do unto others is also about how you receive. Receiving is doing unto others. Have you ever attempted to give a gift and the person literally rejects it? Or, have you ever given a gift that someone is not comfortable receiving? And what is it like when you give a gift that is received gratefully and open heartedly? The circle in life says what we pass forward will always come back! We will always do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Whatever we do, in any way, shape, and form, we are passing that forward. Even if it’s only an intention. For example, I buy somebody a gift to make them feel guilty. That is not a very nice gift. The intention behind it is hurtful. Guilt is hurtful. So that is passed forward. And it comes back one day so that you have given in the way you want to receive. You have done unto others as you would have them do unto you??

 

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March 24, 2015

Suicide: the lasting pain of judgment

Oftentimes when someone attempts or commits suicide the judgments follow. Yet, people want to know about the person who committed suicide or made a serious attempt. Why do people commit suicide? Why is it assumed to be a sign of weakness? Furthermore, why do we judge those who are feeling so destroyed by judgment itself?

 

Let’s begin by looking at the judgment itself! Many people will judge the person who is/was suicidal. That judgment can be heard in the way they describe someone who committed suicide, or the questions they ask about suicide, or their assumptions about suicide. Remember, “We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.” So what might this say about those who judge those who commit suicide?

 

In my many years of working with others I have found that just about everyone has thoughts of suicide. Sometimes those thoughts of suicide can be simply a pondering. Other times those thoughts can be fairly detailed. Then there are the times those thoughts can be very serious (3.7%, Emory University). Infrequently, thank goodness, the thoughts turn into successful attempts (0.5%, Emory University). So, using my 30 years in practice, let’s imagine that 90% of the people have a “thought” of suicide at some time in their life. That would suggest that everyone has felt pain at a level that they want to escape this life. This does not mean they were labeled depressed or medicated or anything else. It shows that just about everyone is capable of having the thought but how did they experience the thought(s)? Did those thoughts frighten them? Did they keep it secret because of the fear of the judgment or condemnation if someone found out? How did they handle “the thought”?

 

Most people will not share their brief or isolated, past or present, thoughts of suicide. They appear to experience shame and fear of judgment. It appears to take a good amount of trust that the person who they are telling will not judge them or act upon their thoughts. That experience alone can evoke the very loneliness and/or shame that could have been a part of their thoughts.

 

The emotional pain that is felt from loneliness, hurt, abandonment, or a myriad of other fear-based emotions, leaves us feeling very small, exhausted or weakened. People usually want to withdraw not go toward. They want to be left alone not accompanied.

 

Consequently, often times the person with those emotions are rescued by their anger coming to the foreground to express their needs in one way or another. But many other times that emotional pain leaves a person feeling too exhausted, maybe even beyond exhaustion, and so he or she says nothing. At those times she or he may resort to isolating, staying away from others. Each and every one of you knows that when you feel loneliness (not just alone) you feel like isolating from everyone. Logically that doesn’t seem to make sense but emotionally it is what happens. So, if you imagine a loneliness becoming so intense that you cannot isolate and cannot be with, then you start to understand, through that little thought what can make suicide become more of a reality. The more exhausted a person becomes the less real it seems that he or she can pull their self out of the abyss of emotional pain. If you were stuck in a 100-yd pit with smooth walls and no one knew you were there and although you began screaming out you slowly ran out of voice. Over a short amount of time, with no food and water, you begin to realize you are either going to starve to death, freeze to death, or become prey to another animal who can scale the walls. Whatever your thoughts they are anchored in the helplessness of getting out of the situation you are in that ultimately ends in the absence of life. You may choose to wait as long as possible for a miracle rescue but then choose to kill your Self gently before the suffering becomes too intense. This is similar to the emotional experience inside the suicidal person. They have lost all hope of rescue and life. Suffering has overtaken them. They think giving into the darkness is a gentle passing to peace that can be better than helplessly and hopelessly waiting for the inevitable suffering to continue.

 

Of all of those with whom I have worked who had more serious suicidal thoughts, 99% of them were going through a time in this life that was full of pain. Yet, it was apparent (to me and others on the outside of their abyss) that they were going to be able to heal and get to the other side it. On the other side of the painful time in life, was a life of gifts waiting for them. That being said, if the person contemplating suicide could know that there was another side that was so full of life do you really think they would step off this plane? If the person in the 100-yd pit knew there was a rescue mission coming, would they consider suicide? Usually not. It is rare that a person dies without “reason”.

 

Maybe you fear suicide because you were told by a religion that you would go to hell. That, in turn, may spark feelings that you are bad for even having these thoughts. Then you begin to believe that you are so bad there is no way out because you cannot be loved in this life, or get it right in this life, and, on top of that, your thoughts say you are no longer going to be okay by the very God who is supposed to be unconditionally accepting and loving. Whew! So, when you look at those who actually committed suicide you may not have the understanding to accept their choice because of your fear of the historic learnings based in judgment and not being good.

 

The shame that many feel when someone close to them commits suicide is also a part of all of this perceived and actual judgment. They want to keep the very secret that the person who successfully committed suicide kept. If the person in pain could have felt they could trust someone to help them through their pain without experiencing more shame would they have expressed the thoughts prior to final stages of decision making? We cannot be sure but the odds say probably. Shame of suicide is taught by society and family. The shame is a feeling of bad, a feeling of why do people see me like that when that is not who I am, a feeling of “ucky”. Ask your Self, who around you sees suicide (and, consequentially, thoughts of suicide) as one of those definitions? You can then see how it is kept secret. When already suffering with emotional pain, a person does not want or need to add to that the shame of judgment.

 

A colleague mentioned that many people feel selfish when someone dies because they do not want to deal with the death. I found that an interesting observation. People may talk of themselves or tell the other want to do or stay away from talking about the death as a result of their own discomfort with the idea of death. When that death is a suicide, if that very person experiences much discomfort with the idea or action of suicide, they may further get wrapped within their own self to deal with it.

 

Maybe people want to judge those who commit suicide simply because they’re angry at them for killing themselves. Being angry at someone who kills their self is a very healthy part of dealing with the traumatic loss, a sudden loss, or loss in general. Add to that an understanding that, for most, the only way they know to deal with their anger is to use their anger. What that means is that if they are hurting in their anger they then spew forth words that are hurtful to or about another. If they feel abandoned and small and weak behind their anger then they will spew forth words of abandonment and weakness to the other of the other. To judge the person who committed suicide as weak is to label them as not good enough. The very probable underlying cause of their choice.

 

In conclusion, there are many fears and fears of judgments that lie within an individual who lashes out with judgment of an individual who suffers, or suffered, with such extreme emotional pain that they fold up in the comfort of suicidal thought or action, respectively. If we begin by looking at the judgment of suicide that rests within each person, within their religions, and within their cultures/society, we begin to gain an awareness which is the first step in healing. If we begin healing the judgment that surrounds suicide, it may become much easier for those suffering with such severe pain to speak openly about their thoughts and pain. If they can talk about it openly and safely maybe, just maybe, we can begin to save lives. We will be saving lives by offering understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Those are the very feelings missing inside the darkness of the pain of the suicidal person. Think before you judge, ALWAYS!!!! You never know where that verbal knife will pierce the other.

 

I wish you all a day filled with compassion and acceptance of self and another, one at a time.

 

October 1, 2014

Healing Your Anger

Anger

Anger. How do we express anger so that we heal? Why is it that our anger continues to perpetuate? How do we get attached to anger?!!

 

Let’s lay the groundwork.

 

Anger is a secondary emotion. It occurs in response to any one of many fear-based emotions. Fear-based emotion could be fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, attachment, abandonment, and loneliness etc. – get the picture? So, anytime we are angry it is possible to ask “What is the emotion that exists before the anger?” That is an important part of the equation of anger becoming perpetual.
Oftentimes, people can feel and are aware of their wish to hold onto their anger at another person or entity. It feels as if that anger is purposeful and warranted. There are a couple factors that are responsible for that.

 

First, the original anger and its cause are probably a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Most people do not know how to express their anger and, therefore, do not know how to find closure to that unhealthy situation. Also, if that unhealthy situation played out repeatedly in a relationship or over one’s life, then the anger felt is built up over various experiences and is then ready to be released perpetually — over and over and over again.

 

Second, most people learn to use their anger not express it. Whatever the underlying emotions are that caused the anger, when you use your anger you are spewing forth the anger in an effort to make the other person feel those primary feelings. When you are expressing your anger you are expressing your primary feelings in an angry tone and, consequently, are initiating the healing of the anger. You are also beginning the effort to put closure to that which caused the anger.

 

Why you get attached to your anger:
As I just mentioned, most are taught to use it but not to express anger. So you want the other to hurt because the other hurt you! You may still be angry and, so, you want to hurt that person more – even if in your thoughts. Or maybe you start getting your friends to agree with your anger and maybe even further fuel it. Now, your anger is starting to get fueled rather than healed and you start to realize the other feelings that you may be feeling as a result of the original situation(s). Consequently, subconsciously or consciously, you want that other to now feel bad and to feel shame, guilt and unwanted because of everything you have felt!!!!! This causes a loop within us. Because we have to stay focused on everything the other did, in order to make him or her feel those feelings, you continue to reignite and feel the very memory of the yucky event! You inadvertently keep that event alive in order to use it. It is this loop that gets us attached to the anger.

 

At this point it becomes very difficult to release the anger or even feel like you want to release the anger. You have now bought into the ugliness of the pain and that ugliness is the very fuel necessary for the anger to make sure it always has food to feed upon. If this continues, you may slowly begin to use the anger to talk about the other with various others. You may find yourself using the anger with your other to feel heard about how you hurt and what you need. Some may even find that the anger fuels great humor in their conversations by using the story of the other with a sarcastic twist. Others may find this anger to be the perfect excuse to warrant abuse, or assault. Many will just lose control of their expression and find themselves lashing out physically, verbally, and or emotionally. Any or all of this and more describes the attachment to your anger!

 

Once you are attached to the anger, it is very difficult to release it because it now serves you. The release of your attachment to the anger is another chapter!! In the meantime, thank you so much for your time and your feedback. May you all begin to listen to your anger and what it is teaching you! If you have ANY questions please feel free to comment below, or you can write me at AskKristen@kristenbomas.com. Peace be with you!

 

July 16, 2014

Is It Possible to Find Common Ground?

Common Ground

It is not always possible to see eye to eye, but If the differences in others irritates or angers you then there is a challenge within your life that is in need of healing.

 

In this life we learn in a dyadic model: we know there is an outside because there is an inside; we know there an up because there is a down. Notice the word “because”. I did not write “in spite of” or “in conflict with” or “in opposition to”. Yet, in this life, often times we think that our view or belief must be “in opposition to” or “in conflict with” the other views. What if we begin to see life as a “because” rather than a “conflict” of differences? It would help us see the connection. I cannot be seen as white if you are not seen as black nor can you be seen as democrat if there is no such thing as republican. Our differences are what make us the same. It is in the multiplicity that we are one. It is in the difference of the views or beliefs that we get the entire experience. To know the outside and the inside is to complete the experience not to fight against the difference. As people, we are given a beautiful opportunity to see our Self in each other. To see the “because” that links you and your different and unique beliefs with me and my beliefs. If we see our differences as the very need we each have in order to define our Self in our unique way, then we begin to take the wrong out of life and we begin to accept that each of us is on this plane with our own journey and following our own path. No one wins with judgments of the differences or from defining differences with conflict.

 

May we all look toward our own healing and the consequential unity with all!

June 11, 2014

Step One in a Fulfilling Relationship

Fulfilling Relationships

 

Everyone is in relationship with self and others. Do you find even one of these relationships to be truly fulfilling? Do these relationships allow you to live the life you wish to share with that other? If not, let’s look at one way you can begin to create positive change in your relationships.

 

In this life, “we judge others in the way we are fearful of being judged”. In our closest relationships our challenges are continually illuminated. What that means is that if you are not comfortable, or aware of those challenges it can be a setup to judge your partner, friend, and/or family member as not good enough in some way. Does judgment of another help you reach the type of relationship you are looking to have? Does judgement bring you fulfillment and love? Is the judgment of the other teaching them what you need and/or who you are? Would you like to be judged rather than understood?

 

Judgment fragments relationships. It feeds the fear. Fear is suffering. Fear is the absence of love. If we have judgments within us, we can become aware of that which we are afraid of having judged by others.

 

Okay, let’s move to the relationship. If you judge the other without awareness to what your own fears are, that fear within you is being fed in the relationship. If that fear is there, no matter how the relationship grows or goes, the fear remains. Therefore, you cannot perceive change in the relationship or change in the other. The very fear that causes the judgments have been fed within you and continue to thrive. Therefore, they will continue to force judgment. Not pretty. Certainly not fulfilling. So, how do we turn this around?

 

The absence of fear is love. We must be willing to love our Self. It is in that love of self that we begin to heal the very fears that propagate the judgment. While doing that, there is something else you can do. Begin each day with love and compassion for the other. Shift your view of them from not good enough to a human with challenges and approach the relationship with a warmth, caring and compassion that allows you to explore the other. What is happening in the other when they do the things they do? More importantly, why do those things have an affect on you? From where do those reactions come? What did you buy into that allows those behaviors, thoughts, experiences to trigger fear-based emotion and judgment within you?

 

Start today, right now! Feel love and compassion for at least an aspect of your partner or a person in your life who can frustrate you. Now, think about them only with thoughts of caring, love. See them through eyes of acceptance, speak to them with words of compassion. If you do this for one hour you will see a difference. Then build upon what you learn in that hour!

 

Compassion breeds compassion. Judgment breeds judgment. Love breeds love. Fear breeds fear.
Love is the absence of fear and fear is the absence of love. Go forth into your relationships with the qualities that you wish to experience. Plant the seeds of compassion, fertilize them with your heart.

 

May 28, 2014

3 Steps to Making Assumptions Work for You

Open Communication Through Assumptions

 

“You don’t remember because you don’t care!!” “I know exactly how she is going to respond if I ask her that!” “That’s not what you meant! And you know that!”

 

Those statements and any like them are assumptions. Assumptions breakdown communication and relationships insidiously! How would it feel to not be invited to an event because the other person assumed you wouldn’t want to go and, so, didn’t even extend the invite? Another breakdown this time having significant affect on emotions. I could give numerous examples all would show the quiet, sometimes unknown destruction of the relationship every time an assumption is made and quietly believed.

 

Step 1: BECOME AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS
It is critical to become aware of your assumptions. They can quietly slip into your thinking unnoticed! They can be so sneaky as to have you skip over a thought or request because your assumption says it isn’t going to happen or isn’t necessary or will be upsetting or whatever! The more you actively learn to be aware of where you are assuming, the more affective you can be in your communication.

 

Step 2: ASK A QUESTION FROM THE ASSUMPTION
Once you hear an assumption inside of you, e.g., “she won’t like it,” make that thought into a question to the other person. Using the example, you would ask, “would you like to ….” Then you listen to the answer! Your assumption may have been correct but by asking the other to answer the question you are opening them to their Self and to you. That makes for a much healthier communication!! Furthermore, you never know what the other may say or do following the answer! If they continue reflecting, you have received a great opportunity to learn about the other!

 

Step 3: ACCEPT THE OTHER AS THEY WISH TO BE KNOWN
Let the words spoken by another be their truth. Then you can hold them to their word. If you are assuming their meaning they do not have to take responsibility for that. Therefore, they are not responsible for their communication because it is not what they said. If you find yourself wanting to go against what the other just said about their Self, ask them the question that your assumptions are screaming inside.

 

Enjoy these 3 simple steps to a better communication! Happiness comes from freedom in your relationships with self and others. That freedom must begin with the communication!

 

May 7, 2014

Monica Lewinsky: Is Public Shaming Ever Deserved?

Shame! Public Shame! It has driven many to suicide. Yet, not too many know the pain of it like Monica Lewinsky. Tomorrow her story breaks through Vanity Fair. I hope we will all read it to understand what the media, the internet, and gossip can do to destroy a life. None of us would want our mistakes to be made a public laughing stock.

 

Every person knows shame. When you feel the ick inside it feels intolerable. You can’t imagine anyone accepting that part of you. You try to keep it inside, secret. You fear severe rejection as a result of the shame and then the loneliness is felt. For many, it is a wave of loneliness in which you feel you are drowning. It is in this lonely emotional place that the suicidal thoughts become eminent and the possibility of suicide can become a probability. Why would you ever wish that experience on another human being? If someone has made a poor decision, they are already experiencing and living with the shame. To make it public is an atrocity that is murderous. Many of our students, athletes, entertainers, and more have had to endure, or have not been able to endure, the public shaming of their indiscretions.

 

It is a formula or blend of the media, the internet, and the people. The American public seems to have found themselves entertained by others’ suffering and so the media feeds off of that interest. Why? Because people “Judge the way they are fearful of being judged”. That means that because a person fears the shame within their Self they judge the other person for their shameful behaviors. Suffering begets suffering. The more people suffer, the more they live in fear. The more people live in fear, the more they follow. The more they follow, the more they do not think on their own. The media figured this out a long time ago. Now, we have exponentially exploded this with the internet.

 

I ask all my readers to think twice before ever engaging in the gossip that it takes to propagate the public shaming. Think, inside your Self, that each time you share the shame of another you have harmed another person, whether indirectly or directly. Gossip destroys others. As you read the stories of others’ sufferings, ask your Self what you would need if this happened to you. May you all move one step closer to happiness by clearing your thoughts of others that are destructive or negative.

 
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Please contact KB@KristenBomas.com if you have any questions about services, topics or products.

Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Florida 33432
Phone: (561) 212-7575
Email: KB@KristenBomas.com

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