BLOGS

Let’s not kid ourselves. Being in quarantine is difficult. You feel stressed, shackled, unsure, anxious, bored, confused, lost. The list goes on. One of the other things you’ve probably experienced is a sense of lack. Lack of freedom. Lack of security. Lack of resources. Lack. Lack. Lack. For a while there you couldn’t turn on the news or read social media, without seeing images of empty grocery store shelves. For those who have bothered to venture out, you may have endured long shopping lines. Sure, in many places the situation is improving. You can find toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and antibacterial wipes. But no matter how full the store shelves are, there may still be a part of you that’s impacted by the lack you witnessed. Good news is, in time, you’ll probably forget about these scarce supplies because the physical environment around you will have improved.

I was asked if the transparency of celebrities who are suffering with addiction has had an impact on the addicted individuals and their families in the way of treatment and moving forward in life. Here are my thoughts.

I have been working with addiction for over 30 years. What I have seen at the core of all people suffering with addiction is the shame and absence of belonging. So, overall, when someone with social popularity openly presents their personal struggle with addiction, recovery and life, it offers them reprieve from shame and the opportunity to see that their sense of not belonging can exist in anyone. With this as a basis to the understanding of this possible phenomenon, let me list several ways the transparency of celebrities may directly affect those suffering from addiction.

Celebrities are diverse in their cultural and social backgrounds. Therefore, they cross the spectrum of people who find themselves trapped by the challenge of addiction. Our celebrities range from actors to musicians to athletes and more. They come from a diverse background of culture, socioeconomic beginnings, family structure, and social acceptance. Children, adolescents and adults can identify with someone who is a celebrity because of this diversity.

Celebrities are leaders. Leaders who are transparent and genuine create forward thinking, confidence, and ownership in others. As leaders, their transparency is clearly helping to create those characteristics in families of addicts and addicts themselves. They are thinking of ways that they can gain healing from the challenge of addiction and they open themselves to possibilities.

Celebrities have family and friends. Their transparency has allowed for people to see how addiction may enter one person but truly affects all of those around them (team, band, family, friends, fans). They realize the whole family or more must join the idea of recovery. For example, a newly recovered person must be supported by friends and not thrown back into the party scene. Celebrities’ lives have shown that level of support and more.

Celebrities represent success and capability. Their transparency offers the acceptance of addiction among the successful. It also offers the person struggling with addiction the opportunity to imagine being successful once they are beyond drugs and alcohol. Further, because they see continued success and likability in the celebrity, they feel a relief from being socially ostracized and judged for being an addict.

Celebrities have life after addiction and through recovery. They are, consequently, helping families see beyond addiction so that addiction doesn’t feel like an end point in life. The reality of life after addiction is critical to the individuals and families of addiction.

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How are you going to use texting this Valentine’s Day? Will you text your beloved that you love him or her with a heart-based emoticon? Will you send a text to your friends saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” as a meme or gif? Will you try to be the first to say I love you in a text? Pay attention to how you text on this Valentine’s Day.

Too often people are developing and maintaining their relationships through texting or messaging rather than speaking. That may not be the best way to express our love to those who are important in our lives. It is a day to express our love for our friends and our beloved. Just about every one of us will send at least one text to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” or “I love you.” Be conscious of those texts. Ask yourself, “Would I be as comfortable calling this person(s) and saying exactly what is in the text? If the answer is yes, ask if you would be as comfortable saying it to their face, and then if you are you should do so. If the answer is no, honor that fear within yourself.

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This is a time of year to be grateful for the freedom that our country offers. This is an American holiday. We, as a people, have the opportunity to make infinite choices and have infinite experiences. It is our free will that opens us to all that this life has to offer. So, how might we expand our gratitude this Thanksgiving?

Each year we are given the opportunity to be thankful for our freedom in life and our freedom to choose. People generally express thanks for their loved ones, their home, their career, their ability to travel, their meals, etc. We tend to think of giving thanks for the “good” things in our life. It is a time to “avoid” the “bad” things. What if we weave the bad things into our gratitude?! Some of you will think I have lost my mind but I have not.

Everything that you experience in this life is with purpose: great purpose. If the experience stirs any of your fear-based emotions, e.g., hurt, loneliness, or abandonment/loss, you may have a tendency to ignore those experiences at this time of Thanksgiving. Some of those experiences are too painful to completely ignore and so they interrupt your holidays.

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Last week I spoke about the loss of a child but what if that child who crossed over had siblings? Parents grieve in one way and siblings grieve in another. At a time of deep grief, how do the siblings feel parenting from parents who are lost in their own grief?

Going through the loss of a child can be very difficult for parents and siblings. Yet it can be very difficult for them to “share” in the loss. The parents may be feeling one set of emotions while the siblings may be feeling differently. Parents may feel the helplessness of not being able to protect the lost child. They may feel an emptiness that is unique to mother or father. They may feel a devastation that erupts from letting the child free into life only to now endure their crossing over. They may feel the loss of the dreams they had tied to that child. The list goes on.

The siblings, on the other hand, may have feelings of having lost a best friend, or a part of their self. They may feel guilt for surviving or for not getting along with their sibling. They may feel a loss of their own dream because their family is shattered.

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In working with individuals who are in relationships, many of them want more out of their relationships. I find myself saying, “you must hold steady in the experience you wish to have to create change in the relationship.” Often times, the person doesn’t want to believe in the teachings. So let me give you a metaphor.

A creditor will demand that you pay what you owe. They do not care how much you’re going through, how much you’re trying, who you are, your integrity, or myriad of other things that might make you special. They know they want you to behave based upon the experience they wish to have: Pay the amount they tell you to pay by the date they tell you to pay it. You can get angry, you can rebel not pay, you can yell and scream at them because they should give you a break, or a variety of other behaviors, emotions, thoughts. No matter what it is you do, however, the creditor holds steady and tells you either you pay what is owed or exactly what the creditor said would happen will happen. Fees will be applied and more fees will be applied until one day you were sent to a collection agency at which time your phone will blow up with multiple phone calls and you will be demanded to pay until you either start to pay, don’t pay and ignore them, or claim bankruptcy.

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Why do we stare at gore, destruction and death? Millions of people recently experienced death and grand destruction as a result of hurricanes. Why do people find themselves getting lost in the stories, pictures and fear of these disasters and others, e.g., car accidents and horror films?

It is an effort to master an old wound or perception. Let me explain.

A child spends his or her first 2 to 3 years not knowing that anything exists beyond what s/he can see. Therefore, all of the world is like magic! The child’s parent appears and disappears out of a room. If the child awakens in the crib and cries, the parent magically appears to lift the child from the crib. If, however, the parent does not quickly appear, the child feels abandoned and in his or her fear of abandonment, they instinctually know they will die. This fear of dying or not being able to survive I will call fear of destruction.

A child also sees the world from an egocentric perspective, i.e., s/he is the source or cause of all that is happening. So, when parents or providers falter and behave in an angry or frustrated way, a child must perceive his- or herself as the bad to keep the overseer as good. In other words, children see themselves as the sinners among saints. This way they are in a good safe world and as long as they control their behavior they will be ok. If, however, children see themselves as the saint among sinners, they are trapped in a haunted house with no one there to save them. They sense this. So defensively they turn the situation inside out to make themselves the bad so their world remains good. This is why movies of hauntings are so successful!

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If you glanced at the eclipse with the naked eye, you saw the sliver of sun amidst the ball of light of the sun. You are light amidst light. On this plane, you experience dark as a way to define the light. We see things as separate: you and me, day and night, fear and love. In truth, there is no fear. Fear is illusion. The darkness always leads to the light. Light will always squelch dark. You learn fear but enter into this life as love.

The moon shines as light because it reflects the light of the sun. Yesterday, the moon blocked the light of the sun. It did not squelch the light, it blocked it. The dark cannot squelch the light. The sun shined bright beyond the illusion of darkness. To the naked eye, the ball of light continued to glow even though the day appeared a bit “darker”. Such an illusion.

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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How often did you hear that in your life? How often have you said it quietly to yourself or out loud to others? Have you ever stopped to think about the depth of meaning in that wisdom? Let’s address the meaning and significance of this wisdom.

I previously wrote about passing it forward. If you read that, you know that the intention behind what we say, do, and give is critical!! It’s also critical how we receive. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s telling you that everything you do, say, think, or project (in anyway) is to be in the name of how you would like to experience it. That’s a very very steep challenge. And yet, you are all capable of achieving it: one baby step at a time. The challenge begins with an understanding of the cycle of doing unto others in the way you wish for them to do unto you! I will then address three areas of mastering the wisdom of doing unto others. Each is a bit deeper than the previous. I will address awareness as it relates to the behaviors and words spoken. Then I will move inside to the thoughts you may have so you can gain an awareness of your thoughts. Finally, I will address intention – the most internal piece of expressing onto others!

Do unto others is also about how you receive. Receiving is doing unto others. Have you ever attempted to give a gift and the person literally rejects it? Or, have you ever given a gift that someone is not comfortable receiving? And what is it like when you give a gift that is received gratefully and open heartedly? The circle in life says what we pass forward will always come back! We will always do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Whatever we do, in any way, shape, and form, we are passing that forward. Even if it’s only an intention. For example, I buy somebody a gift to make them feel guilty. That is not a very nice gift. The intention behind it is hurtful. Guilt is hurtful. So that is passed forward. And it comes back one day so that you have given in the way you want to receive. You have done unto others as you would have them do unto you??

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