BLOGS

The holidays are about love, unity, and acceptance. People tend to gather with family, friends, and loved ones. And yet holidays can bring up one of the deepest wounds or challenges that we are here to heal: loneliness. All of us can feel lonely. Some suffer with it more than others. Loneliness is that feeling that comes from a fear that there is no one out there who loves you for who you are. So, what is loneliness? Why do we experience this painful emotion?  How does it fit into life mastery? How might The Sage’s Template help you move through and beyond the loneliness?

Loneliness is a temporary experience that illuminates the illusion of being separate. Imagine you are a spark in a flame. You know you are a spark but all you know is the flame until, one day, you jutty off the flame and find you are in complete darkness.  There is a nothingness from the absence of light and other sparks. You don’t realize that you’re going to fall back to the sun and be one with the flame. So, you experience fear of the aloneness that is in complete absence of belonging.  That is much like loneliness. You can feel so separate and alone as if there is no sense of belonging. And yet one day you are one with the whole again.  It is important to know that when you, or someone you know, feels lonely, it is not a permanent state of existence.  It can be quite reassuring to understand that it is a temporary experience.

Fear is always an illusion.  Love is always truth.  Where there is love there is an absence of fear and where there is fear there is an absence of love.

The greatest illusion in this life is that of being separate.  As the parable above shows, the spark was never really separate from the flame.  Sparks jut off the flame and come back to the flame constantly!  That is just part of the experience of being of the one flame.  In likeness, you enter this physical life from a place of energy, love.  In that energetic place you are one energy of love. On this earth, however, you experience fear, and it begins with the fear of separation.  You leave an energy realm to enter a physical water realm to enter the air realm.  Slowly you move away from your awareness of the one. You see the illusion of this life as the reality. Just like loneliness creates an illusion that you are completely separate from love and you believe it is a reality.  But it is not.

Fear is always an illusion.  Love is always truth.  Where there is love there is an absence of fear and where there is fear there is an absence of love. The most painful fear in this life is loneliness. because it is the experience of the absence of love in its purest sense. All other fear-based emotions contain fear, except fear itself.  Yet, with fear itself, there is not that absence because there is a threat perceived. You can perceive fear without feeling lonely, but you cannot feel lonely without feeling fear. Do your best to be aware that this is a time-limited experience that you can master.  You can make it through this, like you can master any of the fear-based emotions. 

So why is it that when you feel lonely you want to further isolate?  Loneliness is the illusion that “others” do not love you.  The truth of this life exists within you.  That is where you learn there is no separation between you and others. The greatest love begins with the love for your Self because it illuminates the truth that you are love.  When you love your Self, you cannot feel loneliness.  So, when experiencing loneliness, you are falling away from others because the truth (beyond the fear) is that the love and the oneness are to be found within your true Self.  The problem is that many people will see the need to isolate as a giving in or a giving up on life.  That is not the truth of why you feel like “being left alone” when you’re lonely.  You feel that way because at a higher level you know that the love you need to move beyond the loneliness is the love for Self.

The Sage’s Template is a tool that helps you understand the experience you are having and how it fits into the context of life and its mastery.  Consequently, it is a tool to help you heal.  In this case, it can help you, or someone you love, heal the loneliness. When we talk about Life Mastery we talk about a life of freedom. Mastery is a path of enlightenment. Enlightenment is about living in a state of love, acceptance, and freedom. Once you are aware of loneliness being the purest of fear, you can begin to understand that because this is such a deep wound,  it is of a high level of mastery.  When you are ready to heal your deepest wounds, you are ready to step into the magic of this life.  Life gives you these challenges to open gateways into freedom and love. It does not offer this level of challenge to destroy you, even though it may feel that way!

In conclusion, loneliness is a deep feeling of not being lovable. It is an absence, a nothingness, a void. It is a state of complete separation from that which you are: love. Loneliness is the deepest fear that represents the greatest illusion: that of being separate. If you didn’t truly believe you were separate, then you could not truly feel lonely. This life offers you the opportunity to master the feeling of loneliness as a gateway to mastering the fear and illusion of being separate.  That will bring you the greatest of love, acceptance, and freedom!!! 

There have been myriad movies and books about going home for the holidays. Many are humorous, some are dark comedies and some are drama. Why is it that going home for the holidays is such an entertaining topic? Because a large majority of people can relate to the drama, craziness, and discord that surrounds a family gathering during the holidays.  In this article, I will talk about how expectations, assumptions, judgments, and taking things personally are a stage set for the mastery of challenges within you.  I will also offer some thoughts about mastering the holidays so that you can have a magical holiday season! 

One of the most common stressors during the holidays is the anticipation of the dynamics of gathering with family. The stress at the time of the holidays is mostly due to the expectations: expectations of family; expectations of society. Expectations are external to your truth. You learn expectations. Some of you will think, “I set my own expectations.” But you don’t. You are parroting the expectations that have been put upon you by others. This becomes a critical understanding at the holidays because the expectations are more intense and prolific than at any other time of the year. 

There is this expectation in society that says we should gather as a family during the holidays because that is what the holidays are about. There is a lot of hype about gathering with family. You can ask yourself what expectations you wish to experience during the holidays.  Think of all the thoughts with the words should, supposed to, need to, or have to in them.  That will alert you to the expectations that exist for you around the holidays.  For example, I have to get a present for Aunt Suzy or I need to think of a way to avoid the political talks. Those thoughts will help you see where you feel the need to meet family dynamics or expectations rather than your own.  If your truth were congruent with those thoughts, the above-listed words/phrases would, by nature, not be in your thoughts.  

The most obvious and prevalent expectation during the holidays is for you to show up to, or host, the family gathering.  Does it feel like you have to go so that you don’t disappoint them?  Or maybe you feel you need to be there for other reasons.  When you are struggling with the expectations and your feelings inside, you are not focused on you but instead are focused on the expectations of others.  You have left your Self out of the holiday planning. Now, you can see that you are going into the holidays without your Self present.

If you are entering the holiday experience without being aware of your Self and what you wish to experience, then it makes it much easier for things to affect you personally.  This is true for everyone.  It is true because when you are looking outward at others and what they expect, you leave yourself open to engaging in the other person’s storyline.  When you are participating in their story rather than yours, you are left unprotected from the assumptions and judgments made by the other person that might fly out of the other person’s mouth!

A family’s assumptions can spark defensiveness rather quickly because their assumptions anchor you to the past.  It does not allow for the truth of who you are or the changes you have made in your life.  Furthermore, your family members are the last people to truly know who you are.  They tend to see you as you were “then” and even then, you were not the person they thought you to be!!!

The assumptions of family can leave you feeling alienated or without a sense of belonging. Clearly, this is not the experience you wish to have for the holidays. Most of you want to be known for who and what you are! It can be frustrating for you to have to defend against, rather than teach, family members. It often ignites feelings of being unknown, unseen or unwanted. I read an article regarding people who feel alienated during the holidays and the response was to try to get them to find a way to be with family!!  UGH!  That is just going to complicate the experience!

The anxiety and dread of going into a family gathering with their judgments and patterns or maybe even trauma of the past can be daunting to many of you. And yet you go. You may go because of the expectations of society as well as family. You may feel bad or wrong (guilt or shame) if you do what YOU wish to do and not go. You may go because you’re still trying and hoping for acknowledgment and love for who you are.

If you go to the gathering with the hope or anticipation of love and acceptance and yet, again, feel ostracized, you may struggle to find some camaraderie somewhere. Sometimes there are family members with whom you can align and then there can be those with whom you can’t. This can put some of you in the middle of conflicts or gossip and leave you feeling torn or forced to stand up for someone else. These patterns are the old family patterns.  They are kept alive by assumptions and the need to rehash the past (whether outwardly or internally).

Too often families think they know one another but it’s all based on assumptions from history. In that assumption many patterns are kept alive, and many people are left unable to feel accepted as they have changed. If that resonates with you, you may feel like you must keep aspects of your life secret from the family.   That’s very limiting because it means you must tuck away important pieces of who you are and what your life is all about.  Imagine being transgender or maybe you’re in an interracial relationship and your family doesn’t know and you fear they will strongly disapprove. Do you go into the family keeping that secret?  Those are huge parts of you and who you are! While your family is assuming you’re still the person of the past, they will bring up issues and patterns of the past to hold you in that position. This can easily put you on the defense and frustrate you. Often you can be too busy defending yourself to truly teach them who you are and how you feel today and how you felt then.  This can again lead to feeling alienated or not belonging.

If family dynamics are uncomfortable, judgmental, and abusive, why do you go to the family gathering? Did you learn a long time ago that you need to do what they tell you to do and not what you wish to do? Did you learn a long time ago that if you do what you wish to do that it can have destructive/annihilating consequences?  Judgments in family can be very destructive.  When they become harsh and insulting then it is emotionally abusive.  Judgment comes from a person who is dealing with their own fears of judgment.  If you can at least walk away when this happens you will find yourself in a better place.

The fact that so many articles, books and movies have been set around the family dynamics of the holidays shows you how many people still have a very solid external focus in their life. If you are still trying to meet your family’s expectations or prove their assumptions and judgments wrong by being good enough, then you are not paying attention to the truth of you. In that truth is the knowing you are who you know your Self to be and you are absolutely good enough. And yet you know from family dynamics at the holidays that it can be a very disconcerting time when you’re hoping to feel acceptance, unity and approval.

When we talk about life mastery, we talk about living from the inside of yourself by knowing the experience you wish to have and then manifesting that experience. The holidays are a really important time to ask yourself how you want to feel and what you wish to experience for each of the holidays. For a minute, forget everybody in your life. What would you like to experience? If you’ve lost all your family and you feel somewhat orphaned and you would really love to feel a part of a family for the holidays, then ask yourself: of your friends, to whom you feel closest. Talk to that friend or friends and let them know that you would love to not be alone during the holidays. Ask them what they are doing. Or create a holiday event at your house and invite those friends who don’t go home for the holidays or don’t want to go home for the holidays. Step into your experience by creating it. 

In mastery it is about healing your Self so that all your relationships heal. Change the way you respond to the patterns of others, and you will change the way they interact with you. Your family plays a critical part in this life.  You will see a difference in the way your family responds to you when you heal your challenges enough to know the experience you wish to have and stay in that space, even around family. As my clients heal, the most common thing I hear is that when they go home, they feel like themselves (in contrast to feeling the shift inside as they acquiesce to family dynamics). Too often people can feel themselves shift back into the old patterns of family when surrounded by them.

When you look at going home for the holidays through the eyes of mastery, you want to address several personal questions:

1. What is home to you?
2. What would you like to experience for each of the holidays?
3. Where do I lose my ability to be present to my Self?
4. Do I have hope for a different, more positive, experience?
5. Do I still see the positives of what can be rather than accepting what has been?

More often than not your answers to these questions will allow you to see how your family sees all of this differently than do you. This year, honor your Self and let your Self dream up the perfect holiday experience for you.  Take the time to be aware of the challenges that haunt you from your history and begin healing.

What would it be like if each person in your family were able to be present during gatherings? What if you could all teach about yourselves and ask about others?  If you could all be present and open there would be no historic challenges present at the gatherings. Ironically, there may not be any push for family to unite. You would unite only because you choose to and not because the holiday season, or one another, expects you to. 

In conclusion, if you want to believe that going back with family is going to be warm and cozy and wonderfully accepting and loving, you are going to find yourself struggling with the old patterns and dynamics. That is why many people cringe or stress about gathering with family for the holidays. This year, reflect upon the holidays and ask yourself, honestly, what worked for you and what didn’t.  Whatever didn’t, those are the challenges that you can be aware can be healed, if you choose. Then ask yourself what YOU would like to experience for this holiday and create it!  Let this be a grand new beginning for you in YOUR life.  Promise your Self a beautiful holiday season with or without the expectations of family.

Love is the energy that connects all of us to one another.  We are bound to one another through love.  Or as Yoda says, “My ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”  So love binds us together making us one and yet we do not have boundaries (see my blog on boundaries). It is fear that makes us feel separate and distant from our truth. Our truth is love.

You fall in love and that love binds you to the other.  You feel the connection.  You want it to last “forever.”  Love is infinite.  So, why does love in your life not last forever? As Yoda mentions, you are not just of this physical crude matter.  You are so very much more! 

You feel that wonderful connection of love inside you!  Your core lights up and your heart sings.  You know love from your inside experience.  Yet, we try to keep love alive by doing external things and by communicating about external expectations.  

Love binds us through a beautiful and endless energy.  It is our fear that limits it and lets it appear to end. To be bound by love is to go beyond all boundaries and limitations of life.  lt is to go within where the “journey” is endless.  Bound to the love of self.  Trusting in the truth of you.  

To be bound in love with another is to invite the other into your inner being.  Bound together on the “journey” within you.  Bound together in the “journey” with the other person.  Boundaryless as you embark upon life’s infinite experiences within each of you.

Love.  It binds us.  It takes us beyond all boundaries.

When people say, “I need to learn to set boundaries,” I find it confusing. How do you set boundaries? Do you tell the other person what to do and what not to do? Does that work? My experience is no, it does not. This life is yours and is about the experience you wish to have and the experience you are having. Boundaries are the natural outcome of knowing and speaking your truth. They are not things you do or say to affect the other person’s behaviors! Let’s look at how you are taught by society and what the truth about boundaries can be.

There really is no such thing as “setting boundaries”. People believe in boundaries because they are looking for ways to find happiness in their relationships, to not feel taken advantage of, to not be misunderstood, to be treated as they wish, etc. The answer, however, is within YOU. Once, you know YOU and know what you wish to experience then it is about putting that experience into motion. The natural outcome of that is you will find happiness and you will find others treating you beautifully because you will not accept anything less. There is a continuous, spontaneous expression of Self that eliminates the angst of having to struggle with “how to set boundaries” when another person does something you do not like. You will be within your Self observing the other rather than trying to participate within the expectations of the other at your expense.

Setting boundaries is a term that we have learned to use to suggest a way to keep people from violating our space. But what does that really mean? It can be quite confusing when you are told what to say in particular situations and in particular relationships and are told that you “need” to set boundaries in all areas of your life (emotionally, physically, sexually, time, intellectual, material).  Whew! That is a lot to keep track of! If your space is defined by the experience you wish to have, then as soon as someone goes against that experience you stop it. For example, if you respect yourself and somebody attempts to be disrespectful, you will immediately say “I will not tolerate disrespect,” and you will move away from that conversation and person. No one has to tell you that is what you need to say and do.  (Interestingly, when you have a deep solid respect for yourself, it is very rare that a person will be disrespectful.) 

Setting boundaries is a term that we have learned to use to suggest a way to keep people from violating our space. But what does that really mean?

Consequently, if you are listening to what you “should” do, it can become overwhelming to “try” to know how to set boundaries with whom, in what situations, and when. That is because you are listening to others tell you how to be with people in Your life. They are setting expectations of You and are focused on what others are telling you and not what you are desiring. When you learn how to create the experience that you wish to have, then you are committed to You not someone else. But when you talk about setting boundaries, you are focusing on the numerous outside factors which leaves a lot of room for angst and frustration. Because frustration is helplessness mixed with anger, the boundaries you attempted to set, often fall by the wayside and are not truly “set” but are suggested.  This can further your frustration.

Frustration can come because you are still looking outward and trying to meet expectations. You may then find yourself NOT looking inward at what you wish to experience and you may find yourself doing something you didn’t intend to do.  Others may tell you to set boundaries and to say “No,” to the very expectations that you feel you have to meet in order to feel good about yourself!  How easy is that going to be for you? What if, instead, you understand that you are struggling with a fear of not feeling good enough and that leads to you “trying” to meet expectations. 

Hopefully you can see the irony in being told that boundaries are healthy while being told to focus outside your Self in order to do and say what they are teaching.  What is healthy? It is you having an experience in this life that is fulfilling to your happiness and growth. It is about YOU!  The more you try to meet the expectations of others the further away you get from your truth and the experiences that will bring you true happiness.

It is important to know your style and to honor that within your Self. Then you will make choices that suit your happiness. For example, some people save every penny they make and others spend every penny they make.  That is individual choice, free will. So, each person may lend money differently. But if you lend that money based upon your own comfort then you do not need to set expectations on the other who is going to receive it. If, however, you have the expectations that the other person will exude your style because you lent the money, then you will more than likely be disappointed or feel badly in some way. When you know YOU and what makes you happy, you will stay within that expression of self. Another example, some of you like your personal space and time. GREAT! That is an experience that is important to you and your happiness. Therefore, you will take that time and if another tries to interrupt then, of course, you will teach them about YOU and what is important to you. 

In conclusion, all of your life is about YOU!  It begins and ends within you. Therefore, the more you know you, the more you will be able to know the experiences you wish to have.  The more you believe in and live the experiences you wish to have, the more you will gently and solidly hold to those experiences. The outcome of that will be that “boundaries” are gently observed.   In knowing your Self and the experiences you wish to have, you will find great balance in your life because you will easily stay in that space of happiness and comfortability, centered in your own love.

People often use manipulation to get what they want out of the other person.  This becomes much more prevalent in your closest relationships.  People manipulate in good ways and not-so-good ways.  Let’s look at why people manipulate (even when it is without malintent), the ways in which people manipulate, and what that means about the health of that partnership.

People manipulate out of defensiveness.  The level of manipulation is directly proportional to the level of defensiveness in the person.  This is why you can see mild levels of manipulation in healthy structures.  These styles of manipulation do not intend harm and, often, are unintentional. The more unhealthy the person or structure of the person, the more unhealthy the manipulations and the greater the probability of intention to control or overpower the other.  People may manipulate out of shyness, fear of rejection, and fear of aggression.  They are feeling defensive in some way, whether they are conscious of it or not. Toward the extreme end of manipulating are those who are challenged by or lost in the abuse pattern.  Out of a deep shame and fears of being abandoned, not good enough, and not belonging, the antagonist in an abusive relationship, manipulates to control or overpower the protagonist.

There are various ways in which people manipulate and most often it is without malintent.  Often people do not know how to express what they need and why.  You were taught to communicate by telling others about them and what they need to do to make you happy.  This is simply how you were taught, and it leaves many of you without the tools to have a voice on behalf of your own Self.  And so, the manipulation begins.  There are many ways in which a person may manipulate within a partnership without meaning any harm or control of the other.  Then there are those who do intend to control or overpower the partner out of deep fear of loss or not being good enough, and those styles of manipulation are much more invasive and debilitating to the receiver.

Let’s look at those styles of manipulating that are devoid of malintent. A person may quietly manipulate by asking questions of interest that lead into asking you to do something of their preference.  A person may gently work the conversation around to topics that they want to discuss.  A person may wait for you to say something that they can extract from the conversation to get the opportunity to make a point or talk about what they wish to discuss.  They may do something with the mentality, “It is easier to beg forgiveness rather than ask permission.” You may attempt to express a disappointment or need but the other person may get defensive and inadvertently turn the focus onto their own self and needs.  Your expression therefore gets ignored. A person may say, “it would show me you love me if you would…” or some other form of a guilt-based preamble.

Then the manipulations can be a bit more intense and may lead to defensiveness and arguments.  For instance, a person who uses direct questioning to get their partner to agree with something about which they do not necessarily agree. They may do this by asking one direct question that leads to another direct question that forces you to answer each truthfully, but the questions lead to a misrepresentation of your experience.  Or the other person may ask you a yes-or-no question demanding you answer it but you don’t feel it is a yes-or-no question and cannot answer comfortably.  Another form is when the other person makes statements about you that are incorrect but they do not let you speak your truth. The other person may tell you they KNOW why you are doing or saying something and may even tell you that you are not telling the truth when you disagree.  In all of these you may feel more and more misunderstood.

It is when manipulation is used to control or usurp power that it becomes suggestive of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.  Often those styles of manipulation can include a passive-aggressive style, gaslighting, or purposely using your emotions or past against you to make you feel small. Overwhelmingly citing statistics, jargon, and facts that are proving their point (sometimes in an angry manner), regardless of your position or feelings can be common in abuse. Also, manipulation may consist of repeatedly, or consistently, bringing up topics that oppose your beliefs just to antagonize you.  Often I have seen the antagonist ask the protagonist if they had a good time and then turn that into an angry untrusting jealousy.  

Often, the person can accuse you of something that is not true but they present their perception of a situation while increasing their anger, keeping you in a small defensive position where you feel helpless and powerless.  Regular use of blame is a manipulation that fuels your guilt and a vague responsibility for things you did not think you did or intended.  A person may consistently judge your thoughts, behaviors and desires to get you to do what they wish to do or he/she may use your past experience or feelings against you in an argument or in a situation to get you to be obedient to their wishes.  This can be taken one step further and the person can gently ease you into a kind and open conversation and then while you are open, strike with accusations and hurtful comments that use your open expressions against you.

As the level of manipulation intensifies, the relationship increases into an unhealthy, abusive relationship.  It is up to the protagonist to be aware of the antagonist as well as his/her own Self.  If, as the protagonist, you are starting to feel stifled, unheard, or hurt and the other person cannot take responsibility for a part of that equation, then you need to ask your Self what is stopping you from leaving that situation before it gets too destructive.  If it is mild manipulation, then it is a grand opportunity to explore the person manipulating.  Ask them what they are feeling that makes them address the situation in the way that they did.  In those situations, do your best not to label them or their behavior; that will just create defensiveness and take you away from your intent to learn.

As can be seen, there are levels of manipulation.  Everyone manipulates at one time or another.  The regular use of manipulation in relationships, however, is debilitating and can be destructive.  It is the responsibility of both parties to work beyond the manipulations.  If, however, you find yourself in a highly manipulative situation, then you may need to reach out to someone who can help you successfully leave that situation before it becomes worse.  For each of you, may you be aware of your own style of manipulating and have the strength to address the manipulation from others. 

The term “gaslighting” has become very popular today. It is used to describe a manipulative situation where the antagonist comfortably denies the experience of the protagonist.  Today it is commonly used with a negative connotation.  In its negative usage it is a type of abuse that leaves the protagonist in a state of doubt, confusion or fear they are losing their mind.  This was a term developed as a result of a play (Gas Light 1938) that later became a movie (Gaslight 1944).

Gaslighting is now commonly described in relationships that have some level of abuse.  In that case it is used with intent to control another person’s strength through creating a doubt in their experience thereby creating doubt in their self.  The doubt can further a feeling of dependence on the antagonist.  This is part of the goal.  In an abusive relationship the antagonist is dependent on the protagonist and does not want to lose them.

The protagonist who uses gaslighting as a means of manipulating the relationship may have some deep fears of not being good enough or of not being who people think they are.  Those fears (and more) become frightening in the relationship and become the source of projection onto the other.

Gaslighting may also be used with a greater criminal intent. It can be used to create a great level of doubt in the protagonist.  So much so, that the protagonist begins to feel they are losing their mind and doubt a lot of what they experience. For example: when the protagonist is reflecting on an event, the antagonist may constantly say, “What are you talking about? That didn’t happen!” It is also a form of gaslighting when, inside an abusive relationship, the antagonist plays a mean or scary trick or prank on the protagonist. The protagonist may be mildly traumatized by the experience and now is afraid to participate in that daily activity.  A dramatic example is the movie “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane” where the sister (antagonist) taking care of her handicapped sister (protagonist) puts a dead bird inside the covered dinner dish she delivers to her.  The protagonist is now afraid to take the cover off any of her next meals for fear she will see another dead animal. On a milder scale this can occur with more of a criminal intent to harm the protagonist.

There is a difference between gaslighting in an abusive relationship versus gaslighting with criminal intent. The latter does not show remorse and has intent to harm the mental comfort or health of the protagonist. In an abusive relationship the pattern of abuse is in control and the antagonist is operating out of their own fear. That does not mean, however, that the two are mutually exclusive. There can be situations where the abuser is of criminal intent. 

For the protagonist, it is important to be aware of hearing phrases like “That didn’t happen” or “You are making that up, that’s not what happened.” Be aware of questions that cause you to doubt your words. For example, “What are you talking about?” Be conscious of anytime the antagonist initiates doubt within you. That doubt will start to creep into your daily thoughts and can eventually debilitate your ability to make decisions for your Self that doubt can then leave you dependent on the antagonist and willing to follow their lead.  This is significant inside an abusive relationship.

For gaslighting to be affective, both parties must be externally focused. For the protagonist, if you are aware of your experience inside and you know your Self and what you are experiencing and what you wish to experience, the antagonist who wants to gaslight will fall short. This is easier said than done.  Because to know your inner experience you must get to know YOU. Gaslighting occurs when the antagonist can feed off of the insecurity, or not knowing, of the protagonist.  When you have a clear knowing and appreciation of who you are, gaslighting will not be affective. In fact, you will see it coming and call it what it is. 

In conclusion, it is up to each of you to find the courage to go within and know YOU and what YOU wish to experience in this life and in your relationships. It is the purest way to live free from any gaslighting or abuse. On the in between, you can become aware of the abuse pattern and work with someone to master that pattern or challenge. It is in the mastery of the pattern that you will be free of being controlled by it.

I am frequently asked “How do I know if I should work on this (relationship)?” I wish I could say always but I cannot. The difference lies in if the relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Let’s look at that.

Take a minute and ask yourself what you wish to experience in an ideal relationship. Now, look at what you wrote.  Did you write down what you want in the other person?  If so, that is not the question and here is why.  You can meet 10 people with the same characteristics and they will give you 10 different relationships.  So, it is important to know what YOU wish to experience in an ideal relationship.

Once you know what you wish to experience in the partnership, you will be able to develop a relationship that will bring you that partnership. Also, you will be able to see the characteristics you like in the individual and then see what they wish to experience.  If they are looking for a different type of relationship than you, you are in a good position to redefine the relationship rather than working on a relationship that will not become what you desire.

When you are in a healthy relationship the partnership is built upon what you wish to experience. In that relationship there has to be challenges because in this life we will always be experiencing challenges.  The greater the partnership, the greater the challenges that will appear because it offers each of you the opportunity to heal.  As those challenges appear, it is an opportunity for each of you to work through them together and grow the partnership and each other.  The key phrase is work through together.  If you find you are consistently working through these times alone then it is time to stop working on the relationship and talk to your partner.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you want to learn to communicate in a way that allows you to work through challenges gracefully. This does not mean you won’t experience anger. You will.  It means that when you are angry, hurt, or upset in some way that you will express those emotions with the intent to be understood and to heal.  That is one part of working on a relationship.  If, however, you begin to find that your partner is not expressing their inner experience and or emotions, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner.

In a healthy relationship you want to grow by exploring your Self and your partner. That is another form of work. Learning to communicate in a way that does not assume you know the other person.  Instead, explore by asking open-ended questions.  It is more difficult than it sounds.  If your partner is not exploring you and continues to tell you about you, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner. 

As you can see, even in a healthy relationship, there are times where you need to be aware that you are working too hard and talk with your partner about the situation and explore the disconnect or misunderstanding or difference.

If a relationship is unhealthy, it is a relationship that you followed into.  In other words, you weren’t looking to fulfill YOUR definition but were hoping to find love and or to be loved.  So, you fell for a person who showed you they loved you.  For example, you may have been excited that the other person liked you or you may have been thrilled that the other person was so romantic or beautiful, etc. 

A relationship may be unhealthy if you have an external orientation to developing a relationship. In other words, you are looking outward at the other person and following their interest in you and doing your best to meet their expectations and to be good enough. In a relationship where you are looking outward at the other, you may follow one good feeling or experience after another hoping it will end up being a “permanent” relationship.  Then one day you will find your Self struggling to keep the good times alive. 

If a relationship is unhealthy, you may find yourself being judged. You may constantly hear the other person apologizing for the mistakes or anger that caused upset in the relationship.  You may feel like you are always letting some disappointing or upsetting situation pass so that you can get back to the good part of the relationship.  You may, therefore, be constantly alert to what is pleasing to the other so you can make them happy.

If there is gaslighting or abuse in a relationship, it is unhealthy.   In those relationships, you may be finding yourself constantly working hard to mend and be good enough and keep the relationship moving positively out of fear that it will become painful or upsetting again. 

All of the described unhealthy relationships can be an opportunity for you to be the one working very hard to keep the relationship together or to keep your partner happy or to keep peace.  In all of those situations, you need to stop working so hard and accept the reality of the relationship.  It is no longer serving you.  It is time to ask why you might be fearful of moving on.

Too often I hear people talk about being independent. But there is no such thing as independent in this life.  Everything we do, even eating an apple, is interdependent.  The same is true of our country!  We celebrate Independence Day because it is the day we gained our independence from England but we are not an independent country.  We are interdependent.

Everything we do in this life, is a part of many people coming together to make it happen.  Let’s look at eating an apple.  It took the farmer, the labor on the farm, the truck driver who took the apples to the packing place, all the workers in the packing place, then another driver, etc.  Finally it is in your hand ready to be eaten.  But you depend on hundreds of people to do their part for you to have that wonderful juicy apple. 

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While sheltering-in-place from COVID-19, you no doubt experienced trials and tribulations each day. Sometimes those challenges can feel overwhelming. Especially if you’ve lost your job, lost someone close to you, or don’t know how you’re going to meet your financial obligations. Maybe your stress is related to different sources, as you juggle your work and home life; fill in as your children’s teacher; or worry about your health or those of your loved ones.

With recent events related to COVID-19 and sheltering-in-place, the world has become an unsure, scary, and stressful place. Over the last few weeks your daily routine most likely transformed into a life you barely recognize. You wonder how things you once took for granted – your home, job, relationship, and health, to name a few – became so precarious. It stands to reason, that this uncertain environment has caused your anxiety to spike. You barely know what day it is, and tomorrow doesn’t look much better. So how can you possibly live in “the now”?