When people say, “I need to learn to set boundaries,” I find it confusing. How do you set boundaries? Do you tell the other person what to do and what not to do? Does that work? My experience is no, it does not. This life is yours and is about the experience you wish to have and the experience you are having. Boundaries are the natural outcome of knowing and speaking your truth. They are not things you do or say to affect the other person’s behaviors! Let’s look at how you are taught by society and what the truth about boundaries can be.
There really is no such thing as “setting boundaries”. People believe in boundaries because they are looking for ways to find happiness in their relationships, to not feel taken advantage of, to not be misunderstood, to be treated as they wish, etc. The answer, however, is within YOU. Once, you know YOU and know what you wish to experience then it is about putting that experience into motion. The natural outcome of that is you will find happiness and you will find others treating you beautifully because you will not accept anything less. There is a continuous, spontaneous expression of Self that eliminates the angst of having to struggle with “how to set boundaries” when another person does something you do not like. You will be within your Self observing the other rather than trying to participate within the expectations of the other at your expense.
Setting boundaries is a term that we have learned to use to suggest a way to keep people from violating our space. But what does that really mean? It can be quite confusing when you are told what to say in particular situations and in particular relationships and are told that you “need” to set boundaries in all areas of your life (emotionally, physically, sexually, time, intellectual, material). Whew! That is a lot to keep track of! If your space is defined by the experience you wish to have, then as soon as someone goes against that experience you stop it. For example, if you respect yourself and somebody attempts to be disrespectful, you will immediately say “I will not tolerate disrespect,” and you will move away from that conversation and person. No one has to tell you that is what you need to say and do. (Interestingly, when you have a deep solid respect for yourself, it is very rare that a person will be disrespectful.)
Setting boundaries is a term that we have learned to use to suggest a way to keep people from violating our space. But what does that really mean?
Consequently, if you are listening to what you “should” do, it can become overwhelming to “try” to know how to set boundaries with whom, in what situations, and when. That is because you are listening to others tell you how to be with people in Your life. They are setting expectations of You and are focused on what others are telling you and not what you are desiring. When you learn how to create the experience that you wish to have, then you are committed to You not someone else. But when you talk about setting boundaries, you are focusing on the numerous outside factors which leaves a lot of room for angst and frustration. Because frustration is helplessness mixed with anger, the boundaries you attempted to set, often fall by the wayside and are not truly “set” but are suggested. This can further your frustration.
Frustration can come because you are still looking outward and trying to meet expectations. You may then find yourself NOT looking inward at what you wish to experience and you may find yourself doing something you didn’t intend to do. Others may tell you to set boundaries and to say “No,” to the very expectations that you feel you have to meet in order to feel good about yourself! How easy is that going to be for you? What if, instead, you understand that you are struggling with a fear of not feeling good enough and that leads to you “trying” to meet expectations.
Hopefully you can see the irony in being told that boundaries are healthy while being told to focus outside your Self in order to do and say what they are teaching. What is healthy? It is you having an experience in this life that is fulfilling to your happiness and growth. It is about YOU! The more you try to meet the expectations of others the further away you get from your truth and the experiences that will bring you true happiness.
It is important to know your style and to honor that within your Self. Then you will make choices that suit your happiness. For example, some people save every penny they make and others spend every penny they make. That is individual choice, free will. So, each person may lend money differently. But if you lend that money based upon your own comfort then you do not need to set expectations on the other who is going to receive it. If, however, you have the expectations that the other person will exude your style because you lent the money, then you will more than likely be disappointed or feel badly in some way. When you know YOU and what makes you happy, you will stay within that expression of self. Another example, some of you like your personal space and time. GREAT! That is an experience that is important to you and your happiness. Therefore, you will take that time and if another tries to interrupt then, of course, you will teach them about YOU and what is important to you.
In conclusion, all of your life is about YOU! It begins and ends within you. Therefore, the more you know you, the more you will be able to know the experiences you wish to have. The more you believe in and live the experiences you wish to have, the more you will gently and solidly hold to those experiences. The outcome of that will be that “boundaries” are gently observed. In knowing your Self and the experiences you wish to have, you will find great balance in your life because you will easily stay in that space of happiness and comfortability, centered in your own love.
