BLOGS

Life is defined by the relationships. Your relationships with your Self, partner, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, animals, plants, Mother Earth, Father Sky, Spirit, God, etc. define your life. How you communicate in those relationships defines the relationships that define your life. As this new year begins, I offer you all the opportunity to look at your relationship with all that and who are in your life in any capacity. Where you have joy and fulfillment within you as a result of the relationship, prosper that relationship! Usually, however, relationships go through various changes and challenges and have various meanings in your life. Today, I want to address those relationships that you, for one reason or another, distanced your Self from in 2015.

Every person on this earth has their own life purpose and path. Each person has free will. The free will is what allows everyone the unique opportunity to find joy, acceptance, and love in this life or suffer with hurt, abandonment, and fear. In your relationships, you may get frustrated or hurt by another’s choices, behaviors, or absence. Many of you will retract back from the relationship with thoughts that, inadvertently, propagate the hurt from the other’s actions. You will judge their behaviors or choices as against you and, therefore, unworthy of a relationship with you. But, what if, that other was coming from a very different place than what you expected, assumed or felt? Did you, for the love of your Self, take the time to ask them?

Often times, in your closest friendships and in your partnerships, your greatest challenges are presented. That is by design. You are here with a purpose. That purpose is to heal the suffering and to open your Self to the truth of what and who you are. So, your best friends, partners, and family will be those souls in your life who are here to help you achieve your greater purpose in this life. Where, in your closest relationships, you may feel deep betrayal or hurt, it is an opportunity to ask why it is in your life and to heal the wound. If you choose (and you may) to walk away from the relationship or distance your Self from the other, you have inadvertently chosen to push aside life’s gift. The gift is the healing of the suffering that is within you. The healing is given the opportunity to occur in and as a result of the relationship. For example that same person who frustrated, hurt, shamed or betrayed you may create the exact same experience with another but that other may not have the same emotional reaction/s. This is because your history is what allows those fear-based emotions to be tied to that particular experience with the other.

So, in this new year and new beginning, ask your Self if there is a relationship in your life that needs to be healed. It may be a relationship that truly needed a new beginning because of whatever lead to the dissolution or distancing. There is a reason why the relationship suffered. It offers each of you the opportunity to ask what lead up to this event. What part of your experience in the relationship was not being fulfilled prior to the upset? Were you speaking your needs clearly? Were you letting the other know when the smaller “things” hurt or bothered you? Did you let your Self be known to the other in terms of how you define that type of relationship and the experience you wished to have with them?

I ask each and every one of you to look at all past and present relationships and ask your Self which ones you have created a gentle distance, a significant distance, or dissolution. Then I challenge each of you to address that/those relationships this year. What will it take to feel a mending of your wounds? I challenge you to find the strength and courage to face the other with your needs and emotional reactions. You are not addressing them to get them to change but to speak on your own behalf and begin your healing. Create a new beginning for your Self.

I wish each of you a wonderful, love-filled experience with your Self as you venture forth and address at least one relationship that needs mending. Feel free to use AskKristen on my website or send me an email, if you would like more specific support to your unique challenging relationship in life.

Be inspired and inspire the world with your resolutions! It is all too common at this time of year for people not to make resolutions but for those who do, oftentimes, those resolutions are simple ones. What are your resolutions like? Have you ever simply wondered, without judgment, why you don’t fulfill the resolutions you make? Has it dawned on you to expand your resolutions to match some of your higher ideals and dreams for this lifetime? In blogs past, I have spoken about resolutions and ways to state them and implement them so that they are successful. I have also spoken about making a resolution that helps you understand what blocks you from fulfilling your resolutions. But this year I’d like to talk about creating a grander resolution. One that fulfills, or at least begins to fulfill, some of your higher dreams for this earth and for this life.

We are all one. So the turmoil, aggression, anger, and fear that resides on this earth at this time is something that also resides in each and every one of us from the teeniest amount to the largest amount. Each of us experiences these emotions. Each of us has a deeper desire to live beyond these emotions. Most of you dream to find greater happiness, joy, love, and acceptance. If that is a dream of yours, it may be the time to also see it as a dream for the Earth. As each and every one of our days becomes filled with love and love-based emotions around us in the people, the environment, and the earth, then we find that the love within our hearts becomes much more expansive. It also happens in reverse. As The love in our hearts, as well as love for our Selves, grows we expand our love and affect the people, the environment, and the earth.

If you put this all together, what I am proposing is as your resolutions reflect your dreams for love, acceptance, and happiness in your life imagine that it is also a dream in most people’s lives. So in your resolutions what is one thing you can do to offer love to this earth and its people? What is one thing you can do to bring peace upon earth?

What if each and every one of us makes a resolution that this year, each day, we will awaken grateful for the freedom and compassion we can find within? And then, what if, each and every one of us takes that compassion into our days doing one kind act each day. How easy would it be to be grateful for our day if we pass forward one kind act a day? One person at a time we begin to change the earth!

I wish you all a year of abundant love, peace, joy, and health. May you all work as one to bring that to yourself and everyone around you. Happy New Year!!

This week marks the first week of Holiday Shopping! It opened with Black Friday and Cyber Monday. People have come to plan for these days and companies have come to exploit or extend these days. There is a craze or frenzy that surrounds these days of shopping. Yet, we hear people talk about the behavior of the people who go into these sale days with great intensity and, at times, aggression to find the items they wish to purchase at the great prices advertised!! It seems that most people agree that this “beginning of the season” does not match the “meaning of the season”.

So, why do you succumb to the seduction of the commercializing of the season?
You may find yourself “buying” into the need to purchase gifts (and many of them) because of a need to be seen as good enough, because it is expected by the other or by society, or because of the fear of judgment or disappointment if you do not. If you begin to understand your reactionary buying in response to the seductive advertisements and promises then you will begin to open and, consequently, see more intimate and creative gifts of love and acceptance. Our intrinsic focus allows for an intimate gift rather than an extrinsic focus that allows for a number of gifts.

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The following are my thoughts as inspired by Dr. Alcalay’s submission to this blog. As you read through his article you see that we are teaching our children to look outward to non-person-based objects. He further states that this overall set of behaviors is affecting our adolescents’ identity and self development as well as their emotional health. I would like to remark on that.

As parents continue to choose to allow their children to focus on external non-person objects, they are inadvertently agreeing to ignore that very child. In general, by allowing children to have an external focus, parents are not helping with the development of the child’s own truth or definition of self. There are a further number of challenges that develop as a result of an absence of focus on the child. Without an understanding of Self, the child may grow not knowing what they prefer, what they like, what they wish to experience, or what they dream.

Without interaction with others, the child may not develop a sense of who they are separate from others. They probably will not develop a sense of social comfort or social skill. Consequently, the child may feel a sense of being not good enough because they don’t have a way to develop a good feeling about their self. At the beginning, we learn who we are by seeing our dreams in others and then transferring that into our Self. For instance a child under 3 has a blanket or stuffed animal to which they are attached. This object is so they can internalize the primary parent: that person who gives them safety, acceptance, and understanding. Without a sense of self that is positive or theirs, the child can become frustrated and fearful leading to anger and aggression as a secondary reaction to the prior emotions.

If our children begin to feel frustrated and angry and they do not have parents with whom they are interacting on a teaching caring level, they become more internally judgmental. Consequently, they then may become more angry and lonely and frustrated. At this point, they may learn to believe that bullying is okay and that aggression is okay. If the television, games, and more are desensitizing them to aggression, bullying and more, this can be a lethal combination. Consequently, they may grow to think their aggression is an acceptable form of expression for their fear-based emotions. Worse, they may not even have a language to express their fear-based emotions.

In the absence of knowing who they are and knowing their emotions, it most probably can lead to an intense sense of shame: the feeling that they are not what others think they are; that they are not good enough; that they are different than others and therefore not acceptable; and so much more.  It is at this point that you may be able to see how easily all of the external focus can lead to an increase in anxiety and obesity.

There’s a further thought, if in fact our children of today are not learning who they are as a person, they are not defining their integrity, remorse, or responsibility in the way that we, the generation of their parents, learned. This can lead to an intense sense of entitlement. I think most of us are aware of the problem we are having in this country with entitlement. Furthermore, without remorse or responsibility being strong in the development of sense of self, our growing children become detached and further desensitized to their own expression of aggression and anger.

Without socializing with others and learning who they are, our children will probably have a much greater propensity to take things personally. Add to that the fear they are not good enough and then they would be even more apt to take things personally.

At this point I think all of us can start to see how the children growing up today run a high risk of not only not knowing who they are but not being able to define themselves through or with or separate from others. Consequently, they may flounder. We are also seeing a rise in suicide, substance abuse and sleeplessness coupled with ADHD and anxiety. That is for another response. Meantime, do we need to wonder why? At what point do we step in and create a stop? At what point do parents begin to say “my only job is to develop in my child the ability to have happiness in this life”? At what point do parents begin to understand that their only job is to create safe boundaries within which a child can explore and grow. When we allow the media, games, and entertainment to raise our children there are no boundaries and there is no safety.

While there is no handbook on how to raise a child? People like Dr Alcalay and I are here and willing to answer any and all questions you may have. We invite all of you to write back or call with your feedback, questions, and concerns. Feel free to tweet @kristenbomas or respond on the website of Facebook. We welcome an interactive platform so that we may serve you and your needs.

I would like to thank Dr. Edan Alcalay for his contribution and partnership in this blog as well as his fellowship on the podcast. Edan is an amazing psychologist and man. It is a great privilege and joy to have him join us on my blog. I am honored to be able to introduce him to all of you.

The Digital Era
Kids spend almost 8 hours per day in front of a screen….Couple that with media multi-tasking, watching a movie and texting or facebooking while surfing the Internet, and it now jumps to 10 hours per day. That 1/3 of a kid’s life is in front of a screen!!!

How is that not going to influence our youth? Anxiety has risen over the past 30 years, ADHD has increased, and Obesity. 25% of youths are diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder, 1 in 9 have ADHD and Obesity has doubled in children and tripled in adolescents. Alarming!!

Elementary students who spend more than two hours a day watching TV or using a computer are more likely to have emotional, social and attention problems. Exposure to video games also increases the risk of attention problems in children. Children who watch excessive amounts of TV are more likely to bully than children who don’t (Ozmert, Ince, Pektas, Ozdemir, & Uckardes, 2011). Too much exposure to violence on TV and in movies, music videos, and video and computer games can desensitize children to violence. As a result, children may learn to accept violent behavior as a normal part of life and a way to solve problems (Huesmann, Moise-Titus, Podolski, & Eron, 2003).

Where did it all begin… Ronald Reagan. Well, in the 1980’s the Reagan Administration promoted Free Enterprise, ‘let the people govern themselves’. Businesses flourished, economic freedom, somewhat. Just prior to that, in the 1970’s the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) proposed a ban on advertising to children. In the 1980’s, nonetheless, Congress refuted this and called the FTC a “National Nanny”. Marketing companies exploded with advertising campaigns targeting children. The “Nag Factor” was developed where companies learned that if they convince children vis-a-vis commercials to buy their products, they would “Nag” their parents to purchase it.

Saturday morning, perhaps one of the most exciting times of the week, was where back to back cartoons held a TV spot from about 7am-11am. These cartoons were scientifically engineered to have one outcome- SELL. They would have a psychologist on staff in order to manipulate their naive audience. Martin Lindstrom wrote a book called Brandwashed discussing how multi-billion dollar companies spend exorbitant amount of money to brainwash its consumer. Smells, sounds, colors, placement of ads, height of point of sale, are all just a few examples of many. Strollers, bibs, much of kids’ necessities now have licensed character from Elmo to Buzz Lightyear. Infants as young a 6 months old, are able to form “mental image” of marketing campaigns. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that “nearly all of America’s 6-years-old could identify Joe Camel, who was just as familiar to them as Mickey Mouse.”

It gets worse, a study by Chen et al. (1999) found that 1 extra hour of MTV was associated with an increased in potential adolescent alcohol abuse by 31%. Socially, marketing companies have glorified alcohol in order to create an alluring attraction. Not only are the effects of alcohol reinforcing, but the social lubrication and communal component has its benefits as well. With identity being one of the developmental components of adolescents, marketing companies through branding can contaminate this identity search. The branding that companies project on the public becomes the integral part of the self (Aaker, 1996). Through various forms of advertising, marketers embed their brand into the psyche of their target population. Specifically, U.S. Television alcohol advertising has reached 89% of youths under the legal drinking age (i.e., ages 12 to 20) (Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth, 2008). When the Federal Trade Commission looked into this issue, they stated that there is some evidence that advertising plays a role on underage drinking, yet it is “far from conclusive” (Federal Trade Commission, 1999; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2000). However, subsequent studies looked at 13 longitudinal studies published in peer-reviewed literature, following up a total of more than 38,000 young people (18 and younger) from 13 studies to assess the impact of marketing on adolescents, suggested that exposure to media is associated with a greater probability that adolescents will commence alcohol consumption, or consume more if they are already drinking at baseline (Anderson, De Bruijn, Angus, Gordon, & Hastings, 2009).

Cellphones, our fifth limb, is engrained in us so much that the first thing that people do when they wake up is check their phone. Also, what many do is browse their cellphone at night which according to According to Harvard Medical School sleep researcher Steven Lockley.

This influences our circadian rhythm, and as we know, if we have a difficult night of sleep our emotional/mental heath is poor. Children, especially need at least 8-10 hours of sleep every day for proper development. This is the time where neural connection and synaptic pruning occurs. Millions of American Youth watch television and have a cellphone. Youths who watch more than 2 hours per day of TV are likely to be overweight (Strasburger, 2011). Moreover, in a study among adolescents, intensive mobile phone use was linked to poor perceived health, both directly and through poor sleep and waking-time tiredness (Punamäki, Wallenius, Nygard, Saarni, Rimpela, 2007).

On this day we honor our fallen warriors. It is not a happy day. It is a day of honor. It is a day of reflection. It is a day of pain. It is a day of gratitude. It is a day of loss and a day of gain. Even for those warriors who returned home, it was with great loss in their lives. Life will never be the same for them.

We live with a great freedom because of their gifts that cost them their freedom. Most of our warriors will never feel the freedom in their hearts. Of the families, friends and loved ones of those warriors who passed, most will lose the freedom in their hearts as well. We must not forget this.

On this Memorial Day, during your prayer or your quiet reflections, let each of us send a healing energy from our heart to each of theirs. Feel it. Send it. Know that as each of us opens our heart to its freedom and to its love that we are uniting with those who have served us. Let us begin the healing of the wounds.

On this Memorial Day, recognize the freedom that allows you to believe whatever you believe, worship whatever God you choose to worship or not, marry whoever you wish to marry (almost there!!), speak whatever you wish to speak, be all that you can be and infinitely more! Then say “Thank you” to those who have been willing to fight for our freedom and to maintain a powerful presence on this earth as a free and protective people of all!

IF YOU TRULY WISH TO SAY THANK YOU TO OUR WARRIORS, VOTE!!!!! It is with our votes that we keep freedom alive. Just vote! Vote for YOUR choice of candidate at the local, state, and federal levels. All votes are the right vote. There is no wrong vote. Your choice of party or no party affiliation is a great choice! You have freedom to choose! Have a voice in freedom. Honor the lives that have gifted you this freedom by voting! Keep their memory alive with your vote! Don’t just sit and wait for the warriors to fight for your freedom! VOTE AND SHOW OUR VETERANS THAT THEIR EFFORTS ARE SUPPORTED BY YOURS!

May each of you have a blessed Memorial Day that begins the healing and influences greater freedom!!

How can you accept the unexpected? Listen in as I define unexpected, learn about expectations, and talk about embracing challenges. I’ll also discuss how you can lean to live in the present.

Listen in as I talk more in-depth about what you can do to open your relationship to its true potential.

Love doesn’t keep a relationship together. Communication and moving beyond your defenses does.

Often, people fall in love and wonder why it doesn’t hold. We aren’t “taught” to develop relationships. So magical thinking tends to take over. Love is always, right? No. There is fear and fear is the absence of love. For example, fear of not being good enough leads to jealousy, insecurity, mistrust, rejection, shame. Fear is in all people. Therefore, it must be in our love relationships.

If you learn to communicate from your Self and NOT about the other, you will begin to break the cycle of assumption and misperceptions that are anchored in and fueled by fear. Learning to communicate in this style is in opposition to how you were probably taught. It may not be easy but it is rewarding. In this way of communicating you will open your Self and the relationship to the infinity of life. Therefore, love grows and thrives. It does not stagnate and die.

Fear fragments and takes you away from love. It is fear, if not healed, that shatters the love. All fear marks, and is marked by, the challenges in your life. Everyone has challenges. It is by definition in this life. So the challenges and fears of life must be a part of your love relationships.

To learn to embrace the challenges (fear) is to open your Self to the healing of Self and relationship. As you open your Self to your truth, you are teaching your partner who you are and what you believe, perceive, and desire. You are speaking of your fears and challenges in an effort to allow the team or partnership to heal you and, therefore, with you.

As we learn to open ourselves to being seen and understood at this level we are learning compassion of self and, therefore, compassion of other. It is with the willingness to communicate your truth and to open your Self beyond defensiveness (or fear of threat) that you begin to live compassionately for self and other. This is where love resides. It is here that you will find everlasting love and companionship in your life partnership.

I wish you all great, endless love in this life – for Self and Other!!

Judgments often follow when suicide is a topic. Yet, it is something people have many opinions about. Why do people commit suicide? Why is it assumed to be a sign of weakness? Furthermore, why do we judge those who are feeling so destroyed by judgment itself? Remember, “We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.” So what might this say about those who judge those who commit suicide? Join me as I discuss that varying judgments people have regarding suicide.