BLOGS

Why do people struggle with other people’s success?

So often we watch people get angry or rejecting, in some way, when someone they know, or even don’t know, achieves success. The second thing we observe is the comfort with destroying those who are successful and in the public eye. Why does this exist?

This week I’m joined by Nocole and we share several stories relating to judgments and success.

Why do people struggle with other people’s success?

So often we watch people get angry or rejecting, in some way, when someone they know, or even don’t know, achieves success. The second thing we observe is the comfort with destroying those who are successful and in the public eye. Why does this exist? Why can’t we all be so excited for someone else’s achievements and successes?

Inherently we all wish for happiness. Unfortunately, many have been lead to believe that happiness is achieved when someone achieves success financially or publicly. Because this definition of happiness is external in its rewards it does not work. Happiness must come from within. Once a person is happy within themselves, they are happy for all of those around them.

So when someone else achieves the success or perceived happiness for which another is wishing, that other may feel jealous or less than or not good enough or undeserving or unfairly gifted, etc. Another possibility is that this other person may be housing a doubt that they are able to have the success or lifestyle or fame that they perceive in the other. Whatever that person is feeling, it is a fear-based experience. Once someone is feeling out of balance from an inside “fear”, their imbalance is expressed externally. Usually in an effort to find balance, comfort, or support that they are okay. Once they feel okay or comforted they feel back in balance.

As I have said often, we judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged. So, in this question that we are exploring today we see that people may go against, judge, breakdown, destroy, or make a successful person feel crummy or bad. More than likely this is because inside themselves they’re fearful of the judgment that they are not good enough and that they are destroyed in their concept of finding happiness or success. Their internal doubts and fears will also consist of the judgments they are slinging at the successful or famous people. That may or may not be a direct reflection. For example a person who has bought into the belief that in order to be loved we must have a perfect Barbie or Ken figure may judge harshly someone who is heavy or large. They themselves may be fit and have a low level of body fat. Their judgments of someone heavy are coming from their fear of not having a lean body and being judged as not good enough. So their doubt and their belief in society’s judgments keep them working hard to stay lean for fear of what it would mean if they were not. It is that very view that drives their judgments of others in this particular example.

In addition to the individual experiences that are being subconsciously acted out, our culture and media are based upon this type of fear-based reporting. We have papers, TV shows, books and more that make billions of dollars by reporting to the public ugly, derogatory, shaming, destructive information or assumptions about our wealthy, famous, successful, and entertainment people. I don’t understand when we decided it was okay to dig into the histories of the people in the spotlight and attempt to destroy them, but we do. And people love to hear about the crap. We are no longer a people who are willing to spend billions on the happy and good news. Why we do this will be a follow up blog. For today’s purpose, this national level of acceptance to destroy another human being who is successful allows the people to feel righteous when they use social media platforms and other public platforms to bully or destroy another human being whether successful or not.

In conclusion, and in general, the people who choose to judge, criticize, bully, or destroy another human being, publicly or not, are usually coming from a place of fear of being judged themselves. They are not happy and fulfilled within their own life and are lashing out from that point of reference. It seems to be a very common and popular bandwagon to jump on because our media and nation seem to support this kind of destructive judging of one another. Fear is newsworthy. Judgment is fear. Fear is the absence of love. Happiness is love.

May each and every one of you be the start to spreading a happy thought whenever you hear a harsh angry judgment of another human being. We are all human beings. We all have challenges. We all are capable of compassion. I wish you all a day filled with compassion and acceptance. May it start with you.

Paying it forward

What does it mean to pay it forward? What are you truly paying forward? How do you pay it forward?

It has always been known that what we put out comes back to us. That wisdom is just that, wisdom. It is not learned knowledge that becomes a task or something we “do”. In other words, if we dish out judgment it is what is passed forward and what we then experience in our lives. If we spontaneously offer random gifts to others we are going to receive some sort of life gifts in return.

Notice that in both examples there is only a flow of passing forward. The intention is not in the return. It is easier for most people to see that purpose in the example of judgment. Most people understand that they do not judge to receive judgment back!! Yet, many people will give gifts with the hope of receiving gifts in return! All of a sudden the giving is with a purpose to receive. That is a closed loop!

Notice the phrase is paying it forward or passing it forward. It is unidirectional. Yet, if everyone is passing it forward then obviously each person would receive someone else’s passing! Furthermore, if each person lives with an internal intention or awareness of what they exude, say, or do as a paying forward then many good things can occur. For example, the person may gently become more aware of their compassion for life. Also, by living with that intent, they are affecting many many people in their lives. In fact, they would be affecting everyone with whom they come in contact. This would obviously increase the probability that you and everyone would start to receive the gifts of paying it forward.

Does this mean you always must be happy and think of the other? NO. It means that when you are experiencing a challenging time, you may want to ask your Self what you need in order to move through the challenge and back to happiness. Then allow your Self to be open to receiving that. You are then paying forward the intention of healing wounds rather than the suffering from them.

In terms of life, you are always paying forward. The question becomes what are you paying forward and are you conscious of your “gifts”? If you find your Self worrying a lot or buying into the fears of life or living as if it is you and them, then your world of existence is probably full of events to worry about or that scare you or that elicit a defensiveness about your views being right. If you find your Self living with your heart open to compassion, acceptance and healing, you will probably find your Self surrounded by rewarding and healing events. You are paying forward with intention.

Often times you read about paying it forward with suggestions of random acts of kindness. This is such a wonderful experience to share! For someone who has not really experienced living in a state of paying it forward, this task allows them to feel the excitement of being a change agent in life in a positive way! Often, I find myself pitching in the amount of money someone in line is short or paying their bill because their card did not go through and they were purchasing groceries. Something as simple as allowing someone to merge or leaving an intersection open or moving into the left lane so the person behind me can make a right on red. All of these are acts of kindness that each of you can do for a day.

Too often people think “what’s in it for me”. I have a simple answer. If everyone took from the pot of gold, how quickly would there be nothing for everyone? If everyone put into the pot of gold for each other, how quickly would the pot would be abundant with gold? If each person puts in to take out, would we need the shared pot?

When was the last time you paid it forward? Did you feel the freedom and expansiveness of the act or experience? Or did you feel the closing and frustration from wondering when you were going to see the return? Open your Self to the opportunity to pass it forward without stopping the forward motion by wishing it to come back. Just pay it forward! One day, when you are least expecting it, you will be gifted beautifully!

I wish you all an abundant life filled with gifts from the pot of gold!

Are you on social media? Facebook? What does your page say about you? What does it not say about you?

People tend to feed their fears with their presentations online. Some may only show the good “stuff”. Others may show the fear driven attitudes, happenings, thoughts, and opinions. Either way they are not fostering their freedom and happiness in this life.

Join me as I discuss the positives and negatives about social media pages.

Are you on social media? Facebook? What does your page say about you? What does it not say about you?
People tend to feed their fears with their presentations online. Some may only show the good “stuff”. Others may show the fear driven attitudes, happenings, thoughts, and opinions. Either way they are not fostering their freedom and happiness in this life.

It amazes me the number of people who can create an image on Facebook that is in almost complete contrast or opposition to what they’re experiencing inside their own self and in their life. Many people tend to want to create an image of who they wish to be and how they wish to be seen. They feel this is necessary in contrast to what they really are experiencing because what they are experiencing or perceiving about themselves on the inside is something they judge to not be good enough, attractive, acceptable, etc. I am not suggesting people begin airing their dirty laundry. Going to that extreme would be creating an image that attracts attention as well – negative attention, but attention just the same.

Images created are artificial. The people who create the perfect image are creating the world and experiences in which they wish to live and the image of how they wish to be perceived by others. The irony is that if they can create this image with their thoughts and their images then they are able to be and have that life. It is the fear that developed from others’ judgments, actions, and opinions that lead to the disbelief and shame in self. It is that fear that blocks them from going after the truth in their life and finding great happiness as that which they want others to perceive. The very act of presenting a falsely perfect world feeds their fear that they cannot have that. It also feeds the fears that others would not like them if they knew the truth or that they would not be “good enough” if their world did not appear so perfect.

Others may create an image through constant presentation of tragedy, accidents, worry and upset. This presentation is also artificial. These are the pages that have a lot of judgment of others and a lot of competitive, or us-against-them, messages. The people who present this way are hoping for people to join in with them so they can feel right. They may also be looking for others to offer suggestions of hope and happiness, or for others to understand and empathize with them, or for others to show caring and concern. No matter what they are hoping, it all goes back to a feeling of not being good enough and looking for others to confirm they are good enough by being right and good against the backdrop of destruction. It may be a need to inform and warn as if that is protecting or helping. People who do this may be afraid their world could be destroyed at any time. They may believe they must worry.

Consequently, they may be living the fear through the storylines presented online. Because the fear is being perpetuated in the hopes of being understood, warning, or taken care of, the person is never seen or known and, so, is not feeling the attending necessary to heal. Thereby perpetuating the fear and not the healing of it.

Obviously there are many other styles of presenting a false image online. It matters not what the image is. It matters that each person is willing (or finds the willingness) to see that it is an image and ask their Self why they are creating it.

So, what am I suggesting you post??? Your truth in some version. Look at your page, does it have some of everything or is it lopsided in some way? What does that tell you about you? We all have the same emotions. It is a universal language. So, everyone “notices” when things are too good or too not. So, I would say relax with the posts. Show your colors. Show the good, the grand and the great but also show the disappointments. You can show the down side through stories or quotes. You do not have to tell the world what is happening personally as long as you express the other feelings that exist inside. It does not have to go from spectacular to disastrous. Gossip does not have to exist. It does not have to go from doom and gloom to sunny and bright. It can be doomy and gloomy with an understanding of why. Then it can be tweaked with some positive quotes or pictures of what you would like to see occur if doom and gloom went away! Post your gratitude even if you feel there are few.

Feel the difference when you look at your pages when they have a greater balance of you. You may begin to feel a greater acceptance of you in ALL of your colors!! May you all enjoy your online socializing and may you find it can be a place of truth and joy.

Anger is a much misunderstood and feared emotion. Simply, this is due to having seen or experienced others using anger rather than expressing it. There is much intrigue and questions about the validity of anger and expression of it. I am sharing a question I received a while ago from a friend. See what you think. Feel free to share your thoughts and questions.

His question:
If anger is considered a negative emotion but it is such a motivator for change, why do so many professionals and/or spiritually guided people speak against it? Think of how much of history has changed for the better because of those people that stood up and angrily cried out, “No more!”

I appreciate the “total love and peace” mindset but can’t see how that makes serious change where serious change is needed. It seems to be like wishful thinking. (If I wish for something hard enough, maybe it will come true.) It just doesn’t make sense to me. It seems like the ones that are angry and defiant and insist on change, are the ones truly affecting change for the better, not the peaceful ones that don’t speak up. Think of the protests and group rebellions. Do you really think change would have happened without them? These seem to be the people that are doing the dirty work. They’re on the front lines “really” making the difference. Are they causing themselves stress? Yes! But it seems to be what really makes the change.

Answer:
Anger is a fantastic emotion.  I believe we hear spiritualists talk out against it because they are as afraid of it as are most people.  The problem with anger is that we learn to use it not express it.  The other fact about anger is that it is a fear-based emotion. So, let me explain.

We can divide all emotions into two categories: love-based and fear-based. Love-based emotions are, for example, love, joy, unity, freedom, harmony, etc.  Fear-based emotions are, for example, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, abandonment, attachment, guilt, shame, pain, etc.  Does that make sense?

Assuming it does, I’ll continue. Anger then, occurs as a secondary emotion to the experience of the primary fear-based emotion.  Without anger, we would coil back and not go forward as a result of the original fear-based emotion.  The fear-based emotions make us feel small– like we want to hide or run.  The anger comes in and offers us the ability to go against that which/whom came against us. This is why it can be so affective/effective with change. The secret with learning how to “express” your anger rather than use it, is to know your Self well enough to know what emotion(s) lie(s) beneath the anger and drive it.  It is then that you learn to express the primary emotion with your anger only as the driver. If we look at your childhood experience, we see a young boy who was being shamed, hurt, rejected by bullies. He did not know the options to express himself. So, finally, he stood up to the bully and demanded the respect.  We don’t learn how to demand respect without aggression in this culture. But we can.

So, my answer to the global question.  It is not the anger that motivates — it is the anger that is the tool used.  We are motivated by what is on the other side of whatever is angering us. What drives all of this is from our core is love and the desire for acceptance, happiness, and peace.  When that is constantly trampled, we do not know how to express ourselves. Add to that the utter frustration of feeling unheard and we have a volatile combination of emotions!

Can we make change peacefully? ABSOLUTELY!! But first we have to be willing to “go against” with our views because we believe in ourselves!  If we would express from our truth and not from expectation (another sermon!) we would be in a constant state of change. We would unite in the name of acceptance and freedom.  But we don’t. It is our passion for peace and unity that can drive change and peace. You will never find or create peace on a battle field. Stand up for what you believe but be sure you are living it. If I believe in peace, I may be passionate about being heard and may go against an aggressive stance but if I do so peacefully and passionately, I have a greater probability of being heard and having an impact.

In conclusion, it takes passion in our beliefs. It takes a willingness to teach and be consistent in our stance. It takes the acceptance of what is to mold it into that which can be. It is then that we will not be so short sighted as to think that anger is the motivation for change.

Love! Does it complete us? Or, are we complete in and of our self?

This weekend is Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Last year I asked you what Valentine’s Day meant/means to you. To me, this day is a day to honor love in our lives, all love in our lives. The greatest love is of spirit or god. The next greatest love is of self. Without love of self how do we know love?

Love is an experience. Love is a plethora of experiences. In this American language we use one word for all of those experiences. Consequently, it’s confusing to many. It’s confusing because we don’t know the love of our Self. As we introduce ourselves to our Selves we begin to fall in love with who we are. It is that love that allows us to feel complete within our Selves. As we evolve into a state of enlightenment, mastery, or unconditional freedom, we begin to feel a longing for a partnership. It’s a partnership different from what we thought it was when we first started in this lifetime. It is different because we felt a completeness within our Self that expanded to a desire to unite with a greater completeness.

Let me give an example using a portion of what occurs within Self. We begin with an imbalance of energy. Women tend to have greater female energy and men tend to have greater male energy. Then we realize that the combination of the male energy and the female energy that can exists in such perfect balance within us is something we want to achieve. Once achieved, we want to experience that with another. For those who are gay, they have been blessed with the balance of the male and female energy that they then have to learn to express comfortably in a society where that may not be the case. The longing for a partnership for a gay or lesbian person is very different than the longing for a partnership in someone who is not gay. There is no longer a gender difference defining the balance of the energies. The energies are internally experienced and defined even though not completely balanced.

If ultimately we are here to find great balance through unconditional love and acceptance, then love of our self becomes quite important. It is in the development of love of your Self that you begin to feel complete in who you are! It is then that you begin to feel the longing for the unity with the complement of an Other’s energy. It is an experience. Your partner is the Yin to your Yang or the Yang to your Yin. As love of Self grows so does love of Other. It is infinite in its growth and possibilities. It is at that point, that we can experience true unity and harmony with One. It is worth celebrating daily!! It is definitely worth honoring with a special day annually.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, each of you has a choice you can make. If there a partner in your life, you can choose to honor and cherish the love you share at this time or rebel against some external definition of this day and not celebrate? If there is not a partner in your life, would you like to honor and cherish a love that is growing inside yourself for your Self or would you like to not do that and feel the pain and suffering of longing for a partner. You can celebrate the love you have for your Self or get lost in the suffering of the loneliness, of the longing, of the doubt. Which would you prefer at this time of celebration of love, a day or weekend filled with love or a day or weekend filled with the suffering of loss or rebelliousness/anger?

I challenge all of you to really look at love in your lives on this weekend. How do you express it to your Self and others? How do you feel it in your Self and from others? While Valentine’s Day may be a “made-up” holiday, it is still a holiday that brings us back to our relationship with Self and Other in the name of love. May each of you find love that unites you with your Self, with your partner and family, and with all of those around you! May you feel the unity with all and with Spirit/God!

I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day! May you all enjoy the love of Love!

Life is a series of new beginnings! We are the creators of those beginnings. Each and every one of them. I am announcing a New Beginning!

February 1 is a new beginning in my life and in the practice. It is in part due to each and everyone of you reading this newsletter that I am able to begin this part of my personal and professional journey.

Let me explain. In 2002, I moved my practice, a traditional psychoanalytic psychotherapy practice, from Tamarac. I came to Deerfield Beach to begin a business for which it took me almost 2 years to build the business plan: The Center for Progressive Healing. My dear friend Laurie and I planned the first stage very well but the business grew faster than we anticipated. Unfortunately, there was a fatal flaw in the business plan that none of us caught and it failed. That failure has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. It was at the lowest point of the failure that Wilma hit and destroyed my home. So between 2004 and 2006 my life was fairly difficult or should I say devastating. Although I was able to pay off all of my incurred debt in 2006, I still found myself walking like a zombie going to work, working harder, working harder and doing what it took to survive. In 2007, I moved the practice with the verbal promise of others sharing the rent but I was left with 80% of the rent on my own and, again, I suffered. There were 3 new beginnings in that time frame. Each illuminated challenges and truths that propelled me forward in this life.

In 2010, I moved into the place I’m in now. It’s small. It’s cozy. It’s inviting. And, it was another fresh start! No one but me. A time to believe in doing it on my own. A time to focus on the unique aspects of my teachings and healings that had morphed over the years. A time to believe in those teachings and to focus on them alone! Beyond the practice and healing, these last five years have been a beautiful opportunity to grow and to heal from the previous eight years of my life. In the process, I have been able to clearly define the experience I wish to have in this life and to put the next phase of my dream into motion.

On Friday and Saturday, January 30 and 31st, we will be moving the business from Deerfield Beach to Boca Raton. The excitement is different than anything I have ever felt prior. A couple Saturdays ago, standing in my kitchen, I felt the most pure excitement I have ever felt in my life! It was Crystalline, it was Goosebumps, it was beyond description! It was the most pure experience of excitement I could have ever imagined experiencing. And so I begin this chapter! I could not have done it without the support of each and every one of you! Your willingness to read and share the newsletter is huge! Your friendships and acquaintances have all led to this day. I genuinely want to thank each and every one of you for being a part of my journey.

Please stay tuned!! We will be having an open house and all of you will be invited! I genuinely wish to see each and every one of you at the new office:

398 Camino Gardens Boulevard, Suite 104
Boca Raton, Florida 33432

Again I am so grateful for all this life offers, for all of you in my life, and for the more intimate support of my dear friends and family!

Nothing in life is wrong. It’s all just another challenge opening you to the infinite adventure.

Feel that. What would the experience of life be if you could accept that there is no wrong? What if everything was occurring with a meaning to take you back home to unity and harmony? What if no matter what your decision, it would be right for that time in your life and would open you to yet another great set of experiences?

Too often people stop, hesitate, stay stuck, because they are afraid of making the wrong decision or doing something wrong or not being successful. All of these fears come from the belief that there is wrong and not being good enough.

What if you moved beyond the duality of right and wrong and asked your Self “Why is this in my life?” What if you pondered that point in your path with curiosity rather than judgment and fear? Many would soon see the multitude of gifts that life offers. You must be willing to see beyond the duality of right and wrong to receive the greatest of life’s gifts. You are here to feel the definition of you separate from the whole or one. What separates you is fear. This existence is expressed through the duality so that you can choose to “find” your Self beyond that which you are not, fear. So, everything you experience is with great purpose! Nothing is wrong. It is all just experience in the soul’s journey of definition and unity.