Have A Question
Ask Kristen, please email with your questions.

«Career» TOPIC

Judging Success

Why do people struggle with other people’s success?


So often we watch people get angry or rejecting, in some way, when someone they know, or even don’t know, achieves success. The second thing we observe is the comfort with destroying those who are successful and in the public eye. Why does this exist? Why can’t we all be so excited for someone else’s achievements and successes?


Inherently we all wish for happiness. Unfortunately, many have been lead to believe that happiness is achieved when someone achieves success financially or publicly. Because this definition of happiness is external in its rewards it does not work. Happiness must come from within. Once a person is happy within themselves, they are happy for all of those around them.


So when someone else achieves the success or perceived happiness for which another is wishing, that other may feel jealous or less than or not good enough or undeserving or unfairly gifted, etc. Another possibility is that this other person may be housing a doubt that they are able to have the success or lifestyle or fame that they perceive in the other. Whatever that person is feeling, it is a fear-based experience. Once someone is feeling out of balance from an inside “fear”, their imbalance is expressed externally. Usually in an effort to find balance, comfort, or support that they are okay. Once they feel okay or comforted they feel back in balance.


As I have said often, we judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged. So, in this question that we are exploring today we see that people may go against, judge, breakdown, destroy, or make a successful person feel crummy or bad. More than likely this is because inside themselves they’re fearful of the judgment that they are not good enough and that they are destroyed in their concept of finding happiness or success. Their internal doubts and fears will also consist of the judgments they are slinging at the successful or famous people. That may or may not be a direct reflection. For example a person who has bought into the belief that in order to be loved we must have a perfect Barbie or Ken figure may judge harshly someone who is heavy or large. They themselves may be fit and have a low level of body fat. Their judgments of someone heavy are coming from their fear of not having a lean body and being judged as not good enough. So their doubt and their belief in society’s judgments keep them working hard to stay lean for fear of what it would mean if they were not. It is that very view that drives their judgments of others in this particular example.


In addition to the individual experiences that are being subconsciously acted out, our culture and media are based upon this type of fear-based reporting. We have papers, TV shows, books and more that make billions of dollars by reporting to the public ugly, derogatory, shaming, destructive information or assumptions about our wealthy, famous, successful, and entertainment people. I don’t understand when we decided it was okay to dig into the histories of the people in the spotlight and attempt to destroy them, but we do. And people love to hear about the crap. We are no longer a people who are willing to spend billions on the happy and good news. Why we do this will be a follow up blog. For today’s purpose, this national level of acceptance to destroy another human being who is successful allows the people to feel righteous when they use social media platforms and other public platforms to bully or destroy another human being whether successful or not.


In conclusion, and in general, the people who choose to judge, criticize, bully, or destroy another human being, publicly or not, are usually coming from a place of fear of being judged themselves. They are not happy and fulfilled within their own life and are lashing out from that point of reference. It seems to be a very common and popular bandwagon to jump on because our media and nation seem to support this kind of destructive judging of one another. Fear is newsworthy. Judgment is fear. Fear is the absence of love. Happiness is love.


May each and every one of you be the start to spreading a happy thought whenever you hear a harsh angry judgment of another human being. We are all human beings. We all have challenges. We all are capable of compassion. I wish you all a day filled with compassion and acceptance. May it start with you.


Nothing in Life is “Wrong”

Nothing in life is wrong. It’s all just another challenge opening you to the infinite adventure.


Feel that. What would the experience of life be if you could accept that there is no wrong? What if everything was occurring with a meaning to take you back home to unity and harmony? What if no matter what your decision, it would be right for that time in your life and would open you to yet another great set of experiences?


Too often people stop, hesitate, stay stuck, because they are afraid of making the wrong decision or doing something wrong or not being successful. All of these fears come from the belief that there is wrong and not being good enough.


What if you moved beyond the duality of right and wrong and asked your Self “Why is this in my life?” What if you pondered that point in your path with curiosity rather than judgment and fear? Many would soon see the multitude of gifts that life offers. You must be willing to see beyond the duality of right and wrong to receive the greatest of life’s gifts. You are here to feel the definition of you separate from the whole or one. What separates you is fear. This existence is expressed through the duality so that you can choose to “find” your Self beyond that which you are not, fear. So, everything you experience is with great purpose! Nothing is wrong. It is all just experience in the soul’s journey of definition and unity.


NFL in Crisis

There are all kinds of discussions about the various incidents occurring in the NFL. Even those who are not football fans are part of the talk of the aggressive and inappropriate incidents that are occurring with major athletic figures, from college to professional teams. Everyone is feeling the affects. Has the NFL allowed a culture to develop that has grown out of control? Does the money we spend on football propagate such aggression?


Most of the people with whom I speak are angry and or disgusted by the NFL and its culture. Where do you stand? I feel it is never going to change if, as fans, we need wait for the American people to stop buying NFL football tickets! We need to look at what we can do to make a change from the outside of the culture. While the NFL works on corrections inside its society. Further efforts need to be made since our college students are also being affected as they are groomed for the NFL! The level of mishaps with football players has gotten to a point far beyond that which could be attended to only by the NFL. What can we do?


There is a culture that exists in the NFL. There is aggression in that culture. There has to be. But does it have to be shown in a manner that is against family, teammates, peers, and society? NO. Everyone has anger and everyone has experienced aggression in some way. Somehow, however, the NFL seems to express the aggression in various venues: field, home, public. Why is this increasingly occurring? What could be a solution to this crisis in the NFL?


Well, first, we could urge the NFL to bring in people with innovative ideas as to how to curb the display or use of aggression so that it is expressed on the field. This, in and of itself, could have a significant impact. In graduate school, I did a practicum as a sport psychologist. I developed a way to use physical training to teach athletes how to funnel their aggression onto the field or court or ice. I continue to use that methodology with clients I see privately today. I am sure a similar methodology could be implemented with success. Add to that some research on the affects and it could be highly successful.


A second idea (please excuse the sarcasm in this one) is that we could entertain the idea that our professional football players are to be held at a significant level of integrity and performance. Along with that, the NFL would have to learn how to not be afraid of firing those players who are not a part of the new NFL culture. We know that in business, employees who we cannot train to be a part of the culture are dismissed. Furthermore, it’s always the greatest gift to the employee who gets dismissed and to the culture of the business when that person is allowed to move on.


There was a time in professional sports when our players were our heroes. I don’t want to get sidetracked, but in our culture we seem to have gotten to a place where we have no more heroes. The bad guy wins! That’s not a hero. So is it a wonder that our athletes have lost sight of being a hero? This is yet a third area that all of us can help the NFL make a change for the better.


A fourth idea is to take those retired players who are of solid integrity, values, and morality — the heroes — and create a mentoring of the younger players. Younger players meaning anyone still playing. Then, over time, the upper players really could be held to a higher level of integrity and behavior by the culture itself. The more senior players need to be bringing in the new players and grooming them to be pillars of our society.


I think if the above ideas were put into motion we would have less bullying that crosses boundaries. We would still have the NFL initiating the new players in their own way but it wouldn’t cross such significant personal and financial boundaries. It would be more targeted and healthy. An initiation process needs to be a part of the NFL. The NFL is not an easy culture. So to be a part of that culture or that society, the new players must be initiated. Initiation just doesn’t have to be crossing boundaries of personal rights, human rights, and financial responsibility.


Our players need to learn personal responsibility, social responsibility, and financial responsibility. That needs to be from the family of the NFL and fans are a part of that family. As fans and as Americans I believe it is our responsibility to open up our voice! I do not feel it is productive to complain and increase the negative focus by using judgments etc. Instead we need to be supportive of the reformation and reparation of the NFL and its culture. Let’s stand strong to support positive growth. Let’s stand strong and let them know that the more they move towards a healthier environment the more we will support our players and our NFL. They have given us decades of fantastic entertainment and we have enjoyed it, we have profited from it and we have looked forward to it. We owe it to them to help them at this time of need and abuse.


I truly look forward to hearing your comments and ideas for the healing of the NFL.


Closing One Door and Opening Another

It’s graduation time! It is a time when many are graduating high school or college. In either situation, it is a time to say goodbye and yet a time to say hello. It is a time of letting go. Both graduations are critical life events that offer great new beginnings in our students’ lives.


For those who are graduating high school, it is an opportunity for our teens to take all you have taught and given them and embark upon this life on their own. It is a grand new beginning for all of you. As parents you can sit back and enjoy the gift of your child’s unfolding and learning. Yet, it comes with the goodbye to what was so that you can say hello to what will be. The relationships that have been will change both with friends and with family. Your child has become an adult who will forge a different type of relationship with you. They will begin exploring new aspects of life, job, career, education. So, it is a time for you to begin exploring them as they continue to change.


Some high-school students will go away and some will stay. If your child stays at home are you prepared to change the relationship to one with an adult who you are no longer parenting? How do you allow this new beginning for all of you if the living situation remains the same? It is a critical time. If the teen remains in the same relationship with you as he or she had while in high school, they may not gain the self sufficiency and confidence they need to achieve in their own lives.


For those who are graduating college, it can be a very wonderful time for parents and students and yet it is a further loss. The student is now moving into their own life outside a structured, safe environment. Some will move further away, some will stay close to the college they attended, some will return to their home town, and some will return home. Each choice is a critical choice to your student. How do we as parents stay abreast of our student’s thoughts, desires, and dreams and continue to believe in them and to help them believe in their Self. If your student chooses to move home and does not have a career position, how do you remain in an adult relationship with them and yet remain a parent who explores and guides them? What if your student has graduated but does not like their area of study? There are many changes that can occur at his time in your child’s life. There are many solutions and resources available for them at this time.


To you all, congratulations! For you are the critical component of the success in your children and their lives.


Realizing Your Inner Power

Have you ever felt so defensive that your heart was pounding, or you felt you had no choice in the matter, or you felt you were waiting for someone else to make a decision that was going to affect you and your life, or….? Learn how to remain in your power regardless of what is happening around you!


You have a beautiful, strong, graceful power within you that is part of your truth! We all do! Many times in life you may feel powerless and small. In order to not slip away from that powerful graceful You, you must know what challenges get illuminated when the power temporarily leaves or hides. You also want to understand that it is a force that takes you away from that truth of your own power. In this blog, I will address just that.


Someone or something that “goes against” you or your rights is a force. It is coming from a place of ego or prideful will. It is a fear-based effort. For example, if I tell you that you have to go to work at 8 AM even though you own your own business, I am forcing you to do it my way because my ego says I know best because I am fearful of you not doing good enough! You then feel the energy of my core feeling of not being good enough and feel your power slip and your confidence may eventually slip. If, however, you are aware of your Self and your power, your response to my ridiculous effort to control my own emotional chaos would be, “ Are you fearful or untrusting about my work? Tell me what is happening within you that makes you push me out the door before I would normally leave?” Most people would get defensive and then make assumptions about my comment that would lead them farther from their power.


Knowing that all people have a fear-based set of emotions that dictate their challenges in this life and a set of love-based emotions that define their truth, helps you to begin the process of letting their words be theirs. When you listen intently to the content of the other’s words in absence of this awareness, you are following their thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. By following another you are leaving your Self and truth behind. It is at this point that you leave your Self open to losing connection with your power.


As you go through this week see if you can watch others speak and see when they are speaking from their fear-based “stuff” and when they are speaking from their love-based truth!


I will address different aspects of feeling powerless in future blog writings. Enjoy this start!!


Success and Anorexia

Many strong, successful career women seem to have had eating disorders in their past. And many of those women seem to have married or are dating men who are much more attentive to the home and children. It is as if the roles and definitions have been reversed.


In my experiences, it appears that, in general, strong ambitious women do not learn how to define themselves in this culture so they identify with men in their need to find acceptance. When young, they may struggle with their female curves and body and, more often than not, work to eliminate it with the eating disorder. It seems to be of continued importance for them to maintain an attractive figure and appearance in adulthood. They also continue to develop a more male-oriented position in life through career and providing. They tend to have a hidden judgment about being taken care of and so make sure they do not need to be “taken care of” by providing for the family. It may be important for them to feel in control. Again, this may be due to the need to identify with a man’s world and find acceptance through being good enough.


But why do they tend to marry or date less ambitious men? It appears to represent their need to feel accepted without having to work so hard at it; to be able to relax and not take things so seriously. It appears to be a compliment to their intensity. It is as if they are learning to love the very part of themselves they used to hate. As if they are accepting the very characteristics in their partner that they desperately needed accepted in their Self as a child.


More often than not, however, the relationship appears to take on an abusive quality. That again, goes back to the days of the eating disorder. The control of the eating, was the struggle to stay away from the judgment of not being good enough. It is that very judgment that creates shame in an individual. The judgments may also allow the woman to feel unaccepted and, consequently, not belonging to the family or group. The shame and absence of belonging are two consistent characteristics in the abuse pattern in an individual.


A woman of this experience may be struggling internally with being good enough and may still be looking for extrinsic rewards or reinforcers to confirm that she is good enough to be loved, accepted. Part of this may be due to the perception that in our society, women need to shut down their female aspects to succeed in business. This leaves an internal feeling of not being good enough because as a woman you cannot be who you are. It may also be that the very shame that developed in them as young women interrupted their ability to define their Self and lead to the eating disorder or more. Or, maybe, as an ambitious female, her role models were males and so she learned to shut down her female aspects to be more like a man in order to be accepted by men. This suggests women may perceive that they cannot be accepted into a man’s world for who they are and so need to be like a man to be accepted as a professional among them. It may then be more clear that they would choose a partner who is complimentary, supportive, and caring of who they are.


As women begin defining their Self from an intrinsic point of reference, they will begin to accept their Self for who they are which will lead to feeling accepted by others and, consequently, society. Women will then pass forward the defining of self for self and by self. This will end women defining themselves through men. I believe the ending of women defining their self through men will also have an impact on the numbers of eating disorders. Just think, mothers and women will no longer press their daughters and younger women (respectively) to be thin in order to be loved, they will begin teaching a healthy lifestyle that embraces the unique characteristics of each child. Something so many women want and try to achieve.


Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Fl 33432


Facebook Instagram Twitter YouTube LinkedIn