Gain Independence from that which Keeps You from Your Freedom

I’m talking about feeling that freedom from that which holds you back. Independence from those challenges or blocks that limit your freedom in some way. So how do you break free from those limitations or fears? Take a moment to ask yourself what those blocks are. The first part of the challenge is to become aware of what things might be influencing you in a limited way. Do you have a fear of something? Are you uncomfortable in some situations? Do you really want to do something but you hesitate to do it? Are you not going after your dream in the way you would really like to? Are the relationships in your life not as fulfilling as you would like them to be? Those are the things I invite you  to explore this month. So, daily, I will prompt you with posts that will look at various aspects of life. I’m going to keep them somewhat general so it will give you the opportunity to see where it may fit in your life.

Hate is fear; fear is the absence of love! Within your Self, when you judge and hate you are not able to feel love. You may think that your hate and judgment are about the other person or group of people but it is only happening inside you. You are the one living with the hate, rage, anger, and heavy density. It clutters your mind and shadows your heart. Consequently, you are the only one who ends up suffering until, of course, your anger causes harm to others.

We are given this life and we were given free will. Free will says you have the right to live with your hate, anger, rage, and judgment. Free will also allows people to live in harmony, love, unity and peace. Free will gives each of us the opportunity to live this life as we choose. What it does not do is support the destruction of the free will and the rights of another human being.

You are not born with fear and anger or any of the fear-based emotions. You are not born with judgment since judgment comes from fear. You learned all of that, and the beliefs associated with them, in this lifetime. You thought you had to believe as you were taught to believe. But now you have a choice. Do you want to live with love for you, from you, and for others? Or do you want to live in absence of love? Do you want a life filled with pain, suffering, anger, and heat or a life filled with love and happiness?

Can you be grateful for who you are at the same time you’re hating another? The answer is no. So, yes, it is your right to hate, judge, and be angry. It is your choice to live at that level of suffering. Just remember suffering begets suffering and fear begets fear. It is love that begets gratitude, joy, and love. So, I ask you which do you prefer? And be clear, because even if you were feeling anger and hate at those who are angry and hateful you are feeding the darkness not light.

May each and every one of you be graced with gratitude, forgiveness, and love.

Listen in as I discuss animal communication with gifted pet psychic Jane Solomon. Join us as we reveal why communication with your pet can enhance your life, as well as your four legged family members.

Anger. How do we express anger so that we heal? Why is it that our anger continues to perpetuate? How do we get attached to anger?!!

Let’s lay the groundwork.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It occurs in response to any one of many fear-based emotions. Fear-based emotion could be fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, attachment, abandonment, and loneliness etc. – get the picture? So, anytime we are angry it is possible to ask “What is the emotion that exists before the anger?” That is an important part of the equation of anger becoming perpetual.
Oftentimes, people can feel and are aware of their wish to hold onto their anger at another person or entity. It feels as if that anger is purposeful and warranted. There are a couple factors that are responsible for that.

First, the original anger and its cause are probably a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Most people do not know how to express their anger and, therefore, do not know how to find closure to that unhealthy situation. Also, if that unhealthy situation played out repeatedly in a relationship or over one’s life, then the anger felt is built up over various experiences and is then ready to be released perpetually — over and over and over again.

Second, most people learn to use their anger not express it. Whatever the underlying emotions are that caused the anger, when you use your anger you are spewing forth the anger in an effort to make the other person feel those primary feelings. When you are expressing your anger you are expressing your primary feelings in an angry tone and, consequently, are initiating the healing of the anger. You are also beginning the effort to put closure to that which caused the anger.

Why you get attached to your anger:
As I just mentioned, most are taught to use it but not to express anger. So you want the other to hurt because the other hurt you! You may still be angry and, so, you want to hurt that person more – even if in your thoughts. Or maybe you start getting your friends to agree with your anger and maybe even further fuel it. Now, your anger is starting to get fueled rather than healed and you start to realize the other feelings that you may be feeling as a result of the original situation(s). Consequently, subconsciously or consciously, you want that other to now feel bad and to feel shame, guilt and unwanted because of everything you have felt!!!!! This causes a loop within us. Because we have to stay focused on everything the other did, in order to make him or her feel those feelings, you continue to reignite and feel the very memory of the yucky event! You inadvertently keep that event alive in order to use it. It is this loop that gets us attached to the anger.

At this point it becomes very difficult to release the anger or even feel like you want to release the anger. You have now bought into the ugliness of the pain and that ugliness is the very fuel necessary for the anger to make sure it always has food to feed upon. If this continues, you may slowly begin to use the anger to talk about the other with various others. You may find yourself using the anger with your other to feel heard about how you hurt and what you need. Some may even find that the anger fuels great humor in their conversations by using the story of the other with a sarcastic twist. Others may find this anger to be the perfect excuse to warrant abuse, or assault. Many will just lose control of their expression and find themselves lashing out physically, verbally, and or emotionally. Any or all of this and more describes the attachment to your anger!

Once you are attached to the anger, it is very difficult to release it because it now serves you. The release of your attachment to the anger is another chapter!! In the meantime, thank you so much for your time and your feedback. May you all begin to listen to your anger and what it is teaching you! If you have ANY questions please feel free to comment below, or you can write me at AskKristen@kristenbomas.com. Peace be with you!

There are all kinds of discussions about the various incidents occurring in the NFL. Even those who are not football fans are part of the talk of the aggressive and inappropriate incidents that are occurring with major athletic figures, from college to professional teams. Everyone is feeling the affects. Has the NFL allowed a culture to develop that has grown out of control? Does the money we spend on football propagate such aggression?

Most of the people with whom I speak are angry and or disgusted by the NFL and its culture. Where do you stand? I feel it is never going to change if, as fans, we need wait for the American people to stop buying NFL football tickets! We need to look at what we can do to make a change from the outside of the culture. While the NFL works on corrections inside its society. Further efforts need to be made since our college students are also being affected as they are groomed for the NFL! The level of mishaps with football players has gotten to a point far beyond that which could be attended to only by the NFL. What can we do?

There is a culture that exists in the NFL. There is aggression in that culture. There has to be. But does it have to be shown in a manner that is against family, teammates, peers, and society? NO. Everyone has anger and everyone has experienced aggression in some way. Somehow, however, the NFL seems to express the aggression in various venues: field, home, public. Why is this increasingly occurring? What could be a solution to this crisis in the NFL?

Well, first, we could urge the NFL to bring in people with innovative ideas as to how to curb the display or use of aggression so that it is expressed on the field. This, in and of itself, could have a significant impact. In graduate school, I did a practicum as a sport psychologist. I developed a way to use physical training to teach athletes how to funnel their aggression onto the field or court or ice. I continue to use that methodology with clients I see privately today. I am sure a similar methodology could be implemented with success. Add to that some research on the affects and it could be highly successful.

A second idea (please excuse the sarcasm in this one) is that we could entertain the idea that our professional football players are to be held at a significant level of integrity and performance. Along with that, the NFL would have to learn how to not be afraid of firing those players who are not a part of the new NFL culture. We know that in business, employees who we cannot train to be a part of the culture are dismissed. Furthermore, it’s always the greatest gift to the employee who gets dismissed and to the culture of the business when that person is allowed to move on.

There was a time in professional sports when our players were our heroes. I don’t want to get sidetracked, but in our culture we seem to have gotten to a place where we have no more heroes. The bad guy wins! That’s not a hero. So is it a wonder that our athletes have lost sight of being a hero? This is yet a third area that all of us can help the NFL make a change for the better.

A fourth idea is to take those retired players who are of solid integrity, values, and morality — the heroes — and create a mentoring of the younger players. Younger players meaning anyone still playing. Then, over time, the upper players really could be held to a higher level of integrity and behavior by the culture itself. The more senior players need to be bringing in the new players and grooming them to be pillars of our society.

I think if the above ideas were put into motion we would have less bullying that crosses boundaries. We would still have the NFL initiating the new players in their own way but it wouldn’t cross such significant personal and financial boundaries. It would be more targeted and healthy. An initiation process needs to be a part of the NFL. The NFL is not an easy culture. So to be a part of that culture or that society, the new players must be initiated. Initiation just doesn’t have to be crossing boundaries of personal rights, human rights, and financial responsibility.

Our players need to learn personal responsibility, social responsibility, and financial responsibility. That needs to be from the family of the NFL and fans are a part of that family. As fans and as Americans I believe it is our responsibility to open up our voice! I do not feel it is productive to complain and increase the negative focus by using judgments etc. Instead we need to be supportive of the reformation and reparation of the NFL and its culture. Let’s stand strong to support positive growth. Let’s stand strong and let them know that the more they move towards a healthier environment the more we will support our players and our NFL. They have given us decades of fantastic entertainment and we have enjoyed it, we have profited from it and we have looked forward to it. We owe it to them to help them at this time of need and abuse.

I truly look forward to hearing your comments and ideas for the healing of the NFL.

Have you noticed that when you are dating, the beginning of the relationship seems so free and fun? This is due to a variety of reasons but today I want to talk about a simple piece. At the beginning, you can be closest to the truth of who you are if you are having fun dating and not feeling desperate. That openness allows the other to see you and experience you with clarity of who you are. There is a sense of unity and closeness. It is that portion of the relationship that allows the two people to enjoy each other enough to want to pursue a continuous (and maybe monogamous) relationship with one another.

Then something happens! Because the relationship has been “defined”, the fear of loss (or more) encroaches. That is when many people begin to worry about what the other is thinking or doing. That is when many fears are able to enter because of the initial fear of loss. Now each of you has brought your challenges of this life into the relationship. It feels very different. There is now a bit of a distance between you whether you are conscious of it or not. That break from the unity, because of the fear, alters your fun and playfulness. This is the point at which your ability to communicate to grow the relationship may falter. Consequently, fear, which feeds upon itself, starts to push and pull in the relationship. It is that very break in separation that, when severe, leads to feelings of loneliness. Consequently, the subtle or gentle fear/worry that quietly separates the relationship also ignites a hidden fear of loss and loneliness that begins to filter your perceptions in the relationship!

So, how do you keep the new, playfulness alive? Simply? Embrace the fears. Do your best to not let the fears influence your choices. Instead, tell the person who you are dating that you have those concerns and ask what the two of you might do to help move beyond them. Once fear or worry is brought into the open it loses it’s force. It becomes more manageable.

For those of you with interest, here is a life mastery twist to the above conversation: Once worry enters the dating relationship, it interrupts the unity and joy that was defining the experience. That fear/worry creates a break that mimics and symbolizes the initial fear of separation felt upon entering life. It is subtle but real. It is that fear that separates you from Spirit, the One, God… It is what allows the ego to think it needs to know!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

What’s it like for you when you ask someone a simple question and they respond with a question rather than a simple answer? For example:
“What time do you arrive in the office (or home)?”
“Why?”

That response may be comfortably received and understood or it could elicit frustration and more! The response, when a simple question like that, is not offensive when it is clearly a stalling tactic to think through what the person wants to say, or when it could be the person does not understand what the other is addressing in the question and so they ask a question to further define how they need to answer. Those are simple and understandable circumstances. It may be that the responder is making assumptions about why the asker is posing the question! This can truly lead the communication awry! Assumptions need to be avoided.

What can make the question in response to a question frustrating is when there is a defensiveness that stops the person from simply answering. What are they defending or defending against? The answer is going to be in their perception of the question and the person asking the question. Sometimes, there is an anger – subtle, but anger – that says I don’t want to answer you. Maybe it is because they perceive the other as controlling. Sometimes there is guilt and the person doesn’t want to answer because it may be revealing something not good. Sometimes it is a lack of trust. The question came across too intrusive or intimate. I could go on and on.

Often, the first person answers that question and finds the entire conversation got turned around and is now headed in a different direction than he or she intended. A simple, brief interaction has now become a complex interaction. It could become a power struggle or a competition. In those cases the anger can quickly become a part of the interaction.

When that happens, if it affects you in any way, it is important to identify it. Then you can ask the other person what stopped them from simply answering. If you are willing, you may even ask if it is something they perceive about you that stopped them from spontaneously and freely answering you.

If you hear your Self answering a question with a question, see if you can take a moment and feel what it is you are perceiving about the other person, the question, and/or the situation. What stopped you from answering the question and then posing your question? Be as honest with your Self as you can. What are you learning about the relationship? What are you learning about your Self.

If each person will pay attention to questions that are not answered directly but with “non answers” and then address the situation, it would stop the communication from going off topic. It would, also, stop the possible building of frustration which leads to anger. Everyone wants to be heard. In these situations if you are the asker, you are not being heard or addressed immediately. If you are the one answering with a question, you are not speaking your truth and are pushing against the other in some way.

If you have any specific questions regarding this pattern in your life or business partnership, please feel free to call or send your question anonymously to AskKristen@KristenBomas.com.