I am frequently asked “How do I know if I should work on this (relationship)?” I wish I could say always but I cannot. The difference lies in if the relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Let’s look at that.

Take a minute and ask yourself what you wish to experience in an ideal relationship. Now, look at what you wrote.  Did you write down what you want in the other person?  If so, that is not the question and here is why.  You can meet 10 people with the same characteristics and they will give you 10 different relationships.  So, it is important to know what YOU wish to experience in an ideal relationship.

Once you know what you wish to experience in the partnership, you will be able to develop a relationship that will bring you that partnership. Also, you will be able to see the characteristics you like in the individual and then see what they wish to experience.  If they are looking for a different type of relationship than you, you are in a good position to redefine the relationship rather than working on a relationship that will not become what you desire.

When you are in a healthy relationship the partnership is built upon what you wish to experience. In that relationship there has to be challenges because in this life we will always be experiencing challenges.  The greater the partnership, the greater the challenges that will appear because it offers each of you the opportunity to heal.  As those challenges appear, it is an opportunity for each of you to work through them together and grow the partnership and each other.  The key phrase is work through together.  If you find you are consistently working through these times alone then it is time to stop working on the relationship and talk to your partner.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you want to learn to communicate in a way that allows you to work through challenges gracefully. This does not mean you won’t experience anger. You will.  It means that when you are angry, hurt, or upset in some way that you will express those emotions with the intent to be understood and to heal.  That is one part of working on a relationship.  If, however, you begin to find that your partner is not expressing their inner experience and or emotions, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner.

In a healthy relationship you want to grow by exploring your Self and your partner. That is another form of work. Learning to communicate in a way that does not assume you know the other person.  Instead, explore by asking open-ended questions.  It is more difficult than it sounds.  If your partner is not exploring you and continues to tell you about you, then it is time to stop working so hard and talk to your partner. 

As you can see, even in a healthy relationship, there are times where you need to be aware that you are working too hard and talk with your partner about the situation and explore the disconnect or misunderstanding or difference.

If a relationship is unhealthy, it is a relationship that you followed into.  In other words, you weren’t looking to fulfill YOUR definition but were hoping to find love and or to be loved.  So, you fell for a person who showed you they loved you.  For example, you may have been excited that the other person liked you or you may have been thrilled that the other person was so romantic or beautiful, etc. 

A relationship may be unhealthy if you have an external orientation to developing a relationship. In other words, you are looking outward at the other person and following their interest in you and doing your best to meet their expectations and to be good enough. In a relationship where you are looking outward at the other, you may follow one good feeling or experience after another hoping it will end up being a “permanent” relationship.  Then one day you will find your Self struggling to keep the good times alive. 

If a relationship is unhealthy, you may find yourself being judged. You may constantly hear the other person apologizing for the mistakes or anger that caused upset in the relationship.  You may feel like you are always letting some disappointing or upsetting situation pass so that you can get back to the good part of the relationship.  You may, therefore, be constantly alert to what is pleasing to the other so you can make them happy.

If there is gaslighting or abuse in a relationship, it is unhealthy.   In those relationships, you may be finding yourself constantly working hard to mend and be good enough and keep the relationship moving positively out of fear that it will become painful or upsetting again. 

All of the described unhealthy relationships can be an opportunity for you to be the one working very hard to keep the relationship together or to keep your partner happy or to keep peace.  In all of those situations, you need to stop working so hard and accept the reality of the relationship.  It is no longer serving you.  It is time to ask why you might be fearful of moving on.

To discover your Self, bravery and courage are present. Much like the courage and bravery it to to discover and create America. Self-discovery is a part of self-mastery and asks that you go toward the unknown aspects of you and life. Often, discovering your self feels like the adventure of discovering new territory.  Yet, you know who you are in truth, but you hid that part of you long ago. Let’s look at how your courage can help you step into discovering your Self!

Because this life is designed to be fraught with challenges, self-discovery takes the courage and willingness to embrace those challenges in order to transcend them.  You will want to access the willingness to accept your fear, its limitations, and resistances.  You will access the strength within to move beyond your defenses.  You will find the courage to stand in the fire and not back down until you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix Rising.

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Today I’m going to focus on the topic of transcending your fear. Especially as it relates to the pandemic. And I’m going to do this by quoting my upcoming book, The Sage’s Template.

“The experiences of this life are either fear-based and uncomfortable or love-based and comfortable.  Most everyone is looking to feel comfortable and in a “good” place, so what is the purpose of this dual format of experiencing?  By design, in this life, you will experience fear. Fear is what creates the illusion of separation. It is through the knowing and then transcending of fear or suffering that you are able to experience the truth of who you are.”

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Across the country, the lockdowns associated with the COVID-19 pandemic have lifted, are lifting, or will soon lift. Things will begin to look and feel a little more familiar than they did when you were sequestered in your home, juggling work, family, health, and financial commitments – just to name a few.

As you emerge from the chaos, and enter into what has become your new experience of life, you have the opportunity to look back at the past weeks and assess how you weathered the storm. What behaviors, attitudes, and actions brought you the most happiness and joy during quarantine? How could you improve upon them moving forward? Are there things you would do differently if faced with another lockdown or similar limitations?

Like Jack Canfield says, ‘If you want to change the results you get in the future, you must change how you respond to events in your life starting today.’ OR: As I always say, “If you want a different future, today you must do something different from yesterday because today is tomorrow’s yesterday.”

In the coming weeks I will revisit many of the emotions you may have experienced, or are still experiencing, as you cope with these uncertain times. I will focus on feelings of Fear, Calm, Disconnect, Anxiety, Depression, Lack, Gratitude, Relationships, and Living for Today.

So, please join me to identify opportunities to find strength and courage within yourself and use even the most trying experiences as a launching pad to blossom into the person you’ve always known your Self to be.

It is Black History Month. We tend to focus on Martin Luther King, Malcom X and those men and women who stood out in the fight for acceptance and equality. We conveniently focus on them. The truth of our black culture lies in the true history — slavery. The black Americans did not come to America for freedom and a chosen new beginning in life. They were forced out of their magical homeland and used for the gain of their owners. They went from being human beings living in honor of the land and life to objects of someone else’s gain and intent. This is the core of our Black culture and we are choosing to ignore it when we continue to condemn, judge, blame, and isolate its people.

Holocaust. That time brings up an empathy in most people in our country. We have museums and monuments, and more, to honor those who were brutally destroyed in the holocaust. We have done research that shows the survivors of the holocaust carry with them a post traumatic stress disorder complex that is passed forward in the lineage of holocaust survivors.

Slavery. That word elicits what image or thought in you? How much do you know about the suffering, terror, brutality and destruction of the slaves, our people. It is the basis to our black culture and its people! It is no different than the holocaust. Yet, we do not honor our own people and how that time in our own history has a definite affect on today’s culture and its people. We quietly talk about it but do not experience the truth of the existence of the people who were the slaves. In other words, we keep ourselves disconnected by cognitively talking about that time rather than experiencing the lives of the people.

I am honoring Black History Month this year to do my part to honor the people who gave their lives and families to the beginnings of this land. We fought to free them but we never really did. It is the white man who defined the black slaves. It was the white man who defined the “savage” Native Indian. We destroyed both cultures. Both live in a silent prison of space within this culture, a culture they should be able to call their’s. How do we truly open our doors to diversity within our homeland? Let’s all begin by taking the history of our fellow Americans to heart. Let’s honor the history of the black people.

I invite you all to visit Whitney Plantation in Wallace, Louisiana. It is the only museum honoring slavery in the country. We have 35,000 museums and not one (until a few years ago) was in honor of slavery. This museum was created and funded by one man, John Cummings, just a few years ago. It is laden with exhibits and memorial artwork among and within restored buildings and hundreds of first-person slave narratives.

Looking at the holiday celebration for divorced and separated families, we have looked at acceptance and loving emotionality as the foundation of the holiday. As we continue talking about the components of a holiday for a divorced family, we would be remiss to not talk about the gifts given. The joy of giving gifts at this time is intimate and lasting – for the child and the parent. For the child, it is part of the foundation of many holiday memories. A gift that is given to the child, for the child, and with the purpose of fulfilling the child’s wish, sets the stage of a joyous holiday and joyous memories. Gifts given with an agenda are felt by the child which alters the way they receive it and remember it.

Often it is forgotten that the above-mentioned emotions and expression are a form of gift giving. As a parent, your very presence is a present. Be present during the holidays. The holidays, in particular, are about the way you feel and about your experience. Those are internal. Therefore, the greatest part of the holiday is filling it with your love, acceptance and joy! The greatest gift you can give your child is your own healing, especially for the holidays!!! It is in your healing that the child — intuitively, emotionally, and physically – can begin healing as well!

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A romantic life partnership is composed of two individuals. Each is at the center of their own infinite life. Let me explain. A person’s life is like a matrix, infinitely expansive. Each crosshatch in the matrix is a challenge in this lifetime and each challenge point is another matrix. Consequently, the individual stands in the middle of an infinite matrix composed of infinite matrices. In a partnership, you have two infinite matrices, if you will. So you aren’t going to become one. One person is not the completion of another. One person is not the right arm of another. Each individual is complete in and of their Self. The two individuals connect to one another to create a greater whole.

That is a very intimate connection. It is a connection that allows the flow of life to move between the two lives. Consequently, in order to continue growing in a true partnership, the two individuals must learn to communicate. What that means is that when either of the individuals experience a challenge, the challenge is put in front of the two individuals sitting or standing side-by-side observing that challenge. Because individuals have infinite challenges, a partnership will include an infinite set of challenges. In fact, the greater the partnership the deeper the wounds that can be healed. Which means that the challenges that come to the surface can appear to weigh heavy on the partnership.

So it takes two individuals willing to sit side-by-side, as a team, looking at each challenge that arises as another opportunity to heal and move further into the infinity of their lives together. It takes two individuals willing to explore themselves and the other. It takes two individuals willing to be explored by the other. It takes a willingness to eliminate all assumptions about the other. Knowing, in their self that they do not know what is happening inside the other until they ask.

An ideal partnership lasts at least a lifetime. Because the infinity of life keeps the adventure ongoing for both parties. May you all find the infinity in your love relationships!

Hanukah, Winter Solstice, New Moon, and Christmas, what do they all have in common?  Birth (re-birth), Creation, New Beginning, Living, Magik of Life.  We give gifts at this time of year, why? To adorn, honor, commit, express love and gratitude, and create. What is the greatest gift of all? YOU! Because without you, there would be no life with you, for you, or of you.

Gifts. For Hanukah, it is the gift of the temple returned and the magik of the lights. For Winter Solstice it is the end of the darkest day and the gift of the entry of greater light into our days. New Moon is the darkest of nights opening to the gift of light entering. Christmas is the gift of the light of Christ and his teachings.

Light.  It is of the truth.  It illuminates our life.  It is in absence of the dark, the illusions, the suffering.  Light. Its energy warms us and nurtures us.  It gives us life. Each of us is of light.

You are a gift. Each of us has our own dreams.  Each of us desire love, acceptance, and joy.  Tis the season of light. You can choose to be a gift of light.  Illuminate the truth in those around you by showing compassion and acceptance.  Express your love of family, friends, and neighbors. In these ways you are giving your Selves as a gift … a Gift of Light.

I wish you all a very Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, and Wonderful Winter Solstice with the New Moon.  I wish you all the gift of enjoying the company you keep, the gift of creating your dreams in this life and the gift of willingness to step into a new beginning while trusting in the unknown outcome.  I thank you for the diversity of your beliefs and lives.  That alone is a great gift in my life.

With love, warmth, and compassion
Kristen

‘Why did he text me that instead of calling?’

‘When she texts me, she seems like a different person.’

‘How could he ignore my text messages?’

‘She completely misunderstood what I said in my text.’

With our newer forms of communication, have you asked yourself one of the above questions about texting in your relationships? Some people constantly text to communicate. Other people find it to be extremely impersonal. One thing is certain, everyone is texting. When mixing this type of communication with our loved ones, things can get confusing, frustrating and disappointing. Listen in as I discuss the pitfalls of texting, and some steps on doing it properly.

Please join in on the conversation by sharing your experiences or submitting questions about this topic which will be part of a continuing series.

My neighbor and friend asked how we teach our adolescents and young adults how to find a marriage partner.

There are three things that interfere with people being able to find a lasting partnership. The first is that we live in a time where divorce is a viable and acceptable option. What I mean by that is in generations past it was not so. So the children of those parents had the possibility or probability of seeing a relationship that had to work through its difficulties and challenges. Of course, the downside is that children of abusive households did not see one parent leave another to rescue the children from the hostile environment. But if we put abuse aside, we know that our children back then saw parents who were the spine of the family and had to go through their challenges together in order to push forward. Today, with divorce being so acceptable people are more apt to divorce rather than work through any struggles or challenges in the relationship.

A second difference is that today we have decided that rather than getting married for practical reasons or by design, that we will marry because of love. But what is love? And more importantly, what is love to you. Most people have come to believe that to marry for love means they’re going to have a marriage with someone with whom they feel this ”Wow!” Many further believe they should always be able to keep this love alive! It is as if they will fall in love, go wow, and ride into the sunset together. I’m being a bit silly with that but what I do find is that most people think that marrying for love means they will have a very blissful, fun, enjoyable, relationship with one another. Unfortunately, in that equation they forget about the fact that, by design, this life has challenges. So you cannot have a life partnership without challenges. In fact, your greatest relationships will bring up your deepest challenges. So if you get married you can bank on the fact that your challenges are going to be brought to the surface.

The third piece that I believe has an impact on lasting marriage today is that as a people we are very externally focused. Consequently, most people think that they are picking the partner. I hear people describe their list of qualities and characteristics of that person who will make their perfect marriage partner. You can find, however, at least 10 individuals with the same qualities and characteristics but all of them will give you a very very different experience in a relationship. We cannot develop a healthy, fulfilling, loving relationship by picking a person with particular characteristics.

That being said, what do we want to teach our young and in order to help them develop healthy relationships? First as adults and or parents, we must look at our own relationships and begin to heal those. We need to display healthy relationships so that the children of our community can see what that is. Our children need to experience healthy relationships by virtue of knowing them and living around or with them.

Second, we must start to teach our adolescents and young adults how to speak their truth, resolve conflicts, communicate, accept their Self, etc. we must teach them that love, true love, in a life partnership endures and grows from the challenges presented to it. We must teach them that the same truth exists within their own self for their own life. It is then that they will learn to communicate in a style of exploring (self and other) with teaching (self) and learning (other). This opens the relationship rather than meeting expectations which are external to self.

A third suggestion is we need to begin to teach ourselves and our youth that we are not looking for an ideal partner — we’re looking for the ideal partnership. We need to teach them, and help them know, what experience they wish to have in her life partnership. Once they know the experience they wish to have, then they will meet all of these people with similar characteristics but will be more able to choose the one person who is willing to match in developing a healthy, loving, accepting relationship going forward.

It certainly would be nice if divorce became not so comfortable or acceptable. It would be nice if we truly helped married couples work through the challenges and stay together. Most choose, instead, to jump on the bandwagon with them and help them get divorced. Friends tend to get caught up in their friend’s anger at the other and, thereby, fuel a divorce. It is an understandable reaction as a friend. It is just not the only stance nor is it always the most beneficial.

In closing, if we could gain a greater understanding of how to create a healthy life partnership in general. We would live, display and propagate healthy relationships in our youth. This means we need to change our way of defining our relationships, the way we communicate, and where we place our life focus. Together, as a people, if we truly begin to learn to have a healthy partnership, we will strengthen our family structure and bonds. With a stronger family unit, this country would begin to heal most of its social challenges. And so it is, one person at a time can change a country or a world. If you choose to learn a healthy relationship you will affect AT LEAST your lineage going forward!