BLOGS

Looking at the holiday celebration for divorced and separated families, we have looked at acceptance and loving emotionality as the foundation of the holiday. As we continue talking about the components of a holiday for a divorced family, we would be remiss to not talk about the gifts given. The joy of giving gifts at this time is intimate and lasting – for the child and the parent. For the child, it is part of the foundation of many holiday memories. A gift that is given to the child, for the child, and with the purpose of fulfilling the child’s wish, sets the stage of a joyous holiday and joyous memories. Gifts given with an agenda are felt by the child which alters the way they receive it and remember it.

Often it is forgotten that the above-mentioned emotions and expression are a form of gift giving. As a parent, your very presence is a present. Be present during the holidays. The holidays, in particular, are about the way you feel and about your experience. Those are internal. Therefore, the greatest part of the holiday is filling it with your love, acceptance and joy! The greatest gift you can give your child is your own healing, especially for the holidays!!! It is in your healing that the child — intuitively, emotionally, and physically – can begin healing as well!

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In families divided, sometimes it takes effort to keep love in the forefront of the holidays. Yet, for your child, it is critically important that you keep the love and compassion in the forefront of your heart and thoughts. So, how do you do that? Let me start with a brief comment about the necessity of love in a child’s world and then give you some ideas of how to create a love- and joy-filled holiday.

Too often when partners are split, they can find themselves warring, complaining and harshly judging. These behaviors are in absence of love. Partners can make a promise to leave these behaviors in a box until the holidays are over. It is critical that the love be expressed consistently throughout the holidays. A child will respond to the love by opening his or her self to the experience. Love is an experience that opens and unites a family. Fear (which includes anger, dislike, hurt, etc.) is an experience that shuts down and causes fragmentation. Your child can be very sensitive to the differences at a subtle level but when it is an outward expression of fear-based feelings and thoughts, the child will do what he or she can to take it upon themselves to make her or his environment good and loving. That is not a child’s responsibility. It is the parents’ responsibility.

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At a time when things can feel broken, it becomes important to find acceptance. But how do you create an environment of acceptance? Begin by finding that place in your Self that feels so accepting of your child. Hold that feeling and see if you can feel it for your Self. Now see if you can feel it for your ex-partner (you may need to remember when you first met!!) Your acceptance of your child allows you to listen to their difference in perception and feeling. It is important to allow an acceptance of the difference of perception and feelings in your Self and your ex-partner as well. During the holidays, especially for divorced family and divided homes, a child is going to have their own internal experiences.

It is critical to avoid warring with your ex-partner at this time. The fragmentation keeps the child externally focused on each parent in order to prevent the plunge into that dangerous territory of destruction (warring, arguing, hate/dislike). Further, the anger and stress that is being felt by estranged partners is felt or intuited by the child and impacts her or his emotions and stress level. A child will take a lot of the fear-based emotions personally. That occurs at many levels but an important piece to understand is that the child will personalize the absence of acceptance between his or her 2 parents. A child will do this in order to keep her or his parents good and omnipotent. A child who has good parents is a safe child. That means that if a child hears the discord he or she feels an absence of safety and then must turn it into a definition of safety. Obviously, that is not a real sense of safety for the child and the child ultimately knows this and is built upon the absence of true safety.

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How do you make a magikal holiday for your children even though, as parents, you are living separate?

The holiday season can be a challenge for the parents as well as the child when there is divorce or separation in the family. There are several things to consider and/or understand when desiring the best for your children’s and your holiday season. In brief, the child may experience such upsetting emotions as guilt and worry, anger and isolation. If those emotions are not addressed through communication and structure during the holidays, the child continues to grow with those internal experiences and skewed memories.

As parents, your communication with your ex-partner and your child are critical to the happiness and joy of the season. As a parent you too may be experiencing some painful emotions over the experience. It is important that you know how to share your pain with other adults so that you can be happy and proactive in the creation of the holiday season celebrations.

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Are you grateful? Do you acknowledge that for which you are grateful on a daily basis? Will you verbalize your gratitude on this Thanksgiving?

Too often on this holiday, people eat, drink and gather but forget the essence of this day. It is a day of gratitude for sure! Yet, it is a day set aside to feel the gratitude of the essence of this country: unity, harmony, and acceptance! To feel the gratitude for the freedom that this country offers you! For me, it is also a time to acknowledge my gratitude for the American Indians because this day is a day that marks their loss of freedom and peace as they knew it prior to the white man’s arrival. And yet, it is a day to be grateful for all they give for they are an integral part of what makes us
Americans.

On this day of gratitude for our freedom can we each find a place in our hearts, prayers, and thoughts to also thank the American Indians for their sacrifice and for their teachings!! This day marks their gift of this land and the teachings of the symbols that abound on all of earth and speak to each of us of our lives. They teach us of wisdom or knowingness beyond the knowledge and the ego’s need to know. They offer us the opportunity to observe what it is like to be humble and to honor the animal who is to sacrifice its life for us to live. They offer us the opportunity to know the plants that feed us and heal us. They give us the opportunity to learn to honor our elders and their wisdom. And more than anything, they offer us the opportunity to know that we can all live in community, in harmony, in unity without warfare and prejudice. For it was the white man who brought with them the notion of warfare among each other and judgment that gave the right to that warfare.

I am grateful for my life and that we all are immigrants to the land that was once a peaceful land of Indians. I am grateful to be an American. I am grateful that our forefathers built this dream on high spiritual principles of unity, harmony, equality and freedom. I am grateful that our warriors are fighting for these principles. I will be more grateful to see peace and freedom abound on this earth. I will honor all of those whose lives have been destroyed by unnecessary warfare and or religious judgment. I am grateful to be a person who leads with love and acceptance.

I wish you all a very love-filled day of thanks and acceptance for all that is and for all who are. It is in the absence of judgment that we will be able to feel the freedom we have been offered!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families!!

With warmth and gratitude,
Kristen

Listen in as I talk more in-depth about what you can do to open your relationship to its true potential.

Love! Does it complete us? Or, are we complete in and of our self?

This weekend is Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Last year I asked you what Valentine’s Day meant/means to you. To me, this day is a day to honor love in our lives, all love in our lives. The greatest love is of spirit or god. The next greatest love is of self. Without love of self how do we know love?

Love is an experience. Love is a plethora of experiences. In this American language we use one word for all of those experiences. Consequently, it’s confusing to many. It’s confusing because we don’t know the love of our Self. As we introduce ourselves to our Selves we begin to fall in love with who we are. It is that love that allows us to feel complete within our Selves. As we evolve into a state of enlightenment, mastery, or unconditional freedom, we begin to feel a longing for a partnership. It’s a partnership different from what we thought it was when we first started in this lifetime. It is different because we felt a completeness within our Self that expanded to a desire to unite with a greater completeness.

Let me give an example using a portion of what occurs within Self. We begin with an imbalance of energy. Women tend to have greater female energy and men tend to have greater male energy. Then we realize that the combination of the male energy and the female energy that can exists in such perfect balance within us is something we want to achieve. Once achieved, we want to experience that with another. For those who are gay, they have been blessed with the balance of the male and female energy that they then have to learn to express comfortably in a society where that may not be the case. The longing for a partnership for a gay or lesbian person is very different than the longing for a partnership in someone who is not gay. There is no longer a gender difference defining the balance of the energies. The energies are internally experienced and defined even though not completely balanced.

If ultimately we are here to find great balance through unconditional love and acceptance, then love of our self becomes quite important. It is in the development of love of your Self that you begin to feel complete in who you are! It is then that you begin to feel the longing for the unity with the complement of an Other’s energy. It is an experience. Your partner is the Yin to your Yang or the Yang to your Yin. As love of Self grows so does love of Other. It is infinite in its growth and possibilities. It is at that point, that we can experience true unity and harmony with One. It is worth celebrating daily!! It is definitely worth honoring with a special day annually.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, each of you has a choice you can make. If there a partner in your life, you can choose to honor and cherish the love you share at this time or rebel against some external definition of this day and not celebrate? If there is not a partner in your life, would you like to honor and cherish a love that is growing inside yourself for your Self or would you like to not do that and feel the pain and suffering of longing for a partner. You can celebrate the love you have for your Self or get lost in the suffering of the loneliness, of the longing, of the doubt. Which would you prefer at this time of celebration of love, a day or weekend filled with love or a day or weekend filled with the suffering of loss or rebelliousness/anger?

I challenge all of you to really look at love in your lives on this weekend. How do you express it to your Self and others? How do you feel it in your Self and from others? While Valentine’s Day may be a “made-up” holiday, it is still a holiday that brings us back to our relationship with Self and Other in the name of love. May each of you find love that unites you with your Self, with your partner and family, and with all of those around you! May you feel the unity with all and with Spirit/God!

I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day! May you all enjoy the love of Love!

How does a couple maintain their love and romance once children are in the mix? So often I watch couples, with whom I work, struggle with how to define their relationship and their conversations once they have children. We are a people who have difficulty maintaining loving relationships in general: approximately 80% of our dating relationships dissolve and of the 20% that become permanent, 60% dissolve!! Do our children further enhance the difficulties??

Maybe! As parents, you are first and foremost partners to one another. The family structure was meant to be the parents as the pillar or backbone of the family. The problem is that we do not know how to develop our relationships. So, consequently, when the children come into the relationship, it is very easy to make them your focus! If the focus and the conversations are all about the children then, obviously, the relationship starts to fall apart or fragment.

Our children learn about relationships or partnerships by observing their parents. So, if the parents are not focused on themselves as a partnership, I wonder what the children are learning??

As parents, most couples struggle with the balance of maintaining their own relationship with the relationships they share with their children. Part of the imbalance comes from the “need” to entertain our children. Most comes from a breakdown in the communication: verbally, physically, and sexually. Parents who share in the observing and raising of their children feel the team work and camaraderie. Parents who divide and conquer are actually softly doing that to their relationship as well! Parents who maintain a traditional structure, have to adapt to a partnership that is not traditional! Although one parent may stay home, our culture today is not the same as it was many years ago. There are many influences on the individual at home working versus the one outside the home working and on maintaining household income levels.

There is a need to learn to communicate in a way that grows the partnership and continues to open each partner to the other. Life is infinite. It feels finite by the barriers imposed by fears and the past. As partners you have to constantly stoke your trust so that it is continually evolving as you evolve. This helps the two people to consistently open themselves to one another. Each partner is looking for fulfillment and happiness in their life. Rarely does one partner intend to be hurtful, distant or destructive. It happens because of the history in each of your lives. So, as a couple, you need to heal that which interferes in your intimacy and openness so that you can remain as your Self to the other and, so that, you can explore the other constantly. Further, as a couple, it is important to be conscious of the compassion in your heart. If, as a couple, you can be in a state of compassion when you communicate, you will not take things as personally and always be looking out for the best for your partner and your Self. There are many tricks I can teach to maintaining the romance but that is for another article. In the meantime, remember:

“The greatest gift you will ever give your children is your own healing.”

Pick up the March issue of Our Town News magazine for more on this topic. I’m also proud to announce my cover story will appear in their Broward edition.

Do you love Valentine’s Day or despise it? Either way, you are experiencing it. Is it a day that you look forward to, hide from, or rebel against? Regardless, you are still responding to it. And, in both questions, more often than not, “it” is defined by someone other than you! Consequently, it is important to define this holiday for your Self!

Everything in this life is inside YOU! Everything on the outside is stimulating you on the inside and, consequently, you are experiencing life in your own way. Valentine’s Day is no different. So, what is Valentine’s Day to you? Don’t answer with, “Nothing. It is important to my partner/spouse.” There is an inherent meaning in that very answer. Don’t tell us it is a “Made-up” holiday, because all holidays are “made up”. Answer the question as genuinely as you can.

As children, it was about showing love and like for everyone! We would bring candies and little cards for all the children, teachers, and some staff!! It was a very exciting day for each child because they all received Valentines from the others and could give Valentine’s to others. Then we grew up and it seems the definition changed. But how so?

Take the time to define what Valentine’s Day is to you. Then address the experience YOU would like to have on Valentine’s Day. Is Valentine’s Day only for couples? Or is it for the love of anyone in your life? If the latter, are you a Valentine to your Self? Share your thoughts. If you have someone who you wish to honor on Valentine’s Day, be sure you each understand the other’s desired experience. Let me give you an example of a woman who was understanding of the differences between her and the man she was dating. A friend had just started dating this man, and was looking forward to a romantic dinner at a restaurant. She later found out the man had no intention of celebrating Valentine’s Day. So, she booked a table at a favorite restaurant of theirs and invited him to dinner with her. So, rather than criticizing him for not meeting her expectations she created a good evening. They were able to talk about their different definitions of the holiday and what each of them had envisioned experiencing on that day. They both had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. They shared that holiday in years that followed.

If you do not have an other with whom you can celebrate this holiday, consider asking your Self to be your Valentine and enjoy a great day!

It is with my heart that I acknowledge each of you and the gift you give to me by reading and sharing my writings.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO YOU!!!

I am not making a political statement nor am I making a statement regarding our immigration policy. I am making a statement about the righteousness of the American people when they believe, egotistically, that they have the right to hate the diversity of fellow Americans! It is that very diversity that gave us the opportunity to be free!!

Why do people hate? As Americans we are a culture and country created of people from multiple countries. So when did we decide to hate the very diversity that defines us? If “we judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged“, then what does that say about all of those who are showing hate for diverse individuals these days?

The only people who are truly American and are not descendants from another nation are the Native American Indians! No one needs to doubt that! And yet, those who are showing hate towards people who are from other countries are the same people hating the native Indians!! That suggests that they are fearful of anyone different than their Selves. That puts them in a very dark force and removes them from their light.

Prejudice has always been seen as black magic, or what today some call evil. It goes against the rhythm of life and life’s teachings. It goes against the human rights of another. It is pure fear iced with ignorance. In this country we have freedom of speech. It is that very freedom of speech that, when used to spew dark prejudice, imprisons the speaker. It’s ironic how people will use their freedom to imprison themselves. Furthermore, those feelings of hate or prejudice are only within the person feeling them. Those emotions are eating at the very heart of those who speak the harsh words. To make it even more sad, those very people who are speaking such hurt, experience a desire for unconditional love and acceptance in their own lives!

America is built upon and defined by the most high spiritual principles. Have we forgotten that? Have we decided we’re not capable of living up to that? Instead of standing in a state of fearful, fragmenting, hatred, why can’t we choose to stand in unity, harmony, and love? When we go against the people IN this nation, we go against the people OF this nation and we go against the very virtues and integrity of the nation itself. So when you tell the Americans who have migrated here from elsewhere to go back to their countries you are in essence telling the nation to go to hell.

To those of you who choose to hate, I offer you a challenge. If you think you have such strength to hate then do you have such strength to accept and do you have such strength to understand that the soul is the truth that lives on. And do you have the strength to heal your spirit from the very fears and fear-based thoughts or experiences so that you may find true freedom in this life. After all, we are all one.

Thank you, Coca-Cola for your inspiration and your grounding in life’s principles. You are teaching a nation to be free!