Are you (or your children) tired of watching the beginning of your dating relationships turn into the same old relationships of the past? Learn why and what can be done!

At the beginning of a relationship, most people are close to their truth. They are open, playful, without expectation. Oftentimes, as the relationship starts to develop, people get worried about loss.

It may not be a conscious thought. It may just be a background feeling. Simply put, it is that fear (conscious or not) that alters the freedom of expression in the relationship.

What does “close to your truth mean”? Your truth, as I refer to it, is that part of you that is in absence of any fear-based feelings or thoughts. It is that part with which you entered this life, uninfluenced by others’ teachings, opinions, and judgments. It is that part of you that shines like the sun behind dark stormy clouds!

Each of you has a different set of challenges that define this life. They make up the dark stormy clouds that cover the truth of who you are. In life, we are constantly gifted with events that illuminate those challenges. This is to help us expand and grow and is not intended to destroy. It is your free will that allows you to choose to heal, ignore or blame when the challenge presents. If you do not choose to heal, the challenge tends to present over and over in your life until you address it. Your relationships are that fertile ground for the challenges to thrive or propagate!

While dating, each of you can meet several people at once, all of whom are good eligible partners! Ultimately, you will only pursue one of them! Why? This is where the clouds are subconsciously influencing the choice! You may be open and free in your original meetings with all of the people (your truth) but when you begin narrowing down your choice your clouds have a strong say so in the final decision. Ugh! This is because of the use of judgment, perceptions, and assumptions in the narrowing process!

So, the more you look at the patterns in the relationships or the characteristics in the person that appear over and over, the more you begin to develop an awareness of those challenges that most need to heal in your life. This then offers you the opportunity to empty a dark cloud and open to your light or truth!! The more you stand in your truth the greater the probability that you will meet that partner who matches you “truthfully”!

For those of you interested in life mastery, here’s a thought:
That point at which you “allow” the fear (challenge) to enter the relationship through you is the moment you create the initial separation and consequential feeling of loss. The unity you were experiencing that was so joyful has been interrupted. That break from the unity is reminiscent of your first fear when you entered this lifetime.

Create What You Desire

“We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.”© That goes so much further than the surface projections! While it is clearly about the judgments we make in our language and our thoughts of others and of Self, it also teaches us that we create, over and over, the very things we fear. How do we interrupt that frustrating pattern so that we do not recreate what we no longer desire? Better yet, how do we create the things we desire?

Sometimes, we actually create around us the very challenge beyond which we think we are trying to move. For example, somewhere in your life, you may have bought into thinking you are not good enough. So, maybe you think your dream can’t be your reality because you are not good enough. Yet you live your life as if you are going after that dream, as if you believe in your Self and, at some level, you do. And yet, one day you stop, look around and realize that the headquarters from where you are trying to create that dream is laden with the parts of the nightmare that keep you from ever believing your dream will come true. You may have people around you who judge you as not good enough, your own thoughts may have hidden doubts and/or judgments, you may be missing a key item that is required to move you forward in the dream, or more.

How do we break that pattern? First, RECOGNIZE IT! You must first be able to see what it is you are creating in the people with whom you surround your Self. You must also recognize those experiences and things with which you surround your Self. Then you must ask what each REMINDS you of in terms of your history and the people in it. It is at that point that you can begin to correct and let go of the pieces that are keeping you pinned to old patterns. Can you feel what people or things you are hesitant to release or change? It is important to identify the hesitation so that you can move through it. Any experience that is occurring in you but beneath the obvious has a great impact on you and your life. Finally, listen for the judgments you are making of people, things and experiences around you (especially as they relate to the dream you are trying to achieve). They will teach you where you need to heal, release, or transcend in order to further break an old pattern!

It takes the death of a minute to birth the next minute. Do not fear the release of what is not working for you. It will open the doors and make space for the new dream to manifest!

Have you noticed that when you are dating, the beginning of the relationship seems so free and fun? This is due to a variety of reasons but today I want to talk about a simple piece. At the beginning, you can be closest to the truth of who you are if you are having fun dating and not feeling desperate. That openness allows the other to see you and experience you with clarity of who you are. There is a sense of unity and closeness. It is that portion of the relationship that allows the two people to enjoy each other enough to want to pursue a continuous (and maybe monogamous) relationship with one another.

Then something happens! Because the relationship has been “defined”, the fear of loss (or more) encroaches. That is when many people begin to worry about what the other is thinking or doing. That is when many fears are able to enter because of the initial fear of loss. Now each of you has brought your challenges of this life into the relationship. It feels very different. There is now a bit of a distance between you whether you are conscious of it or not. That break from the unity, because of the fear, alters your fun and playfulness. This is the point at which your ability to communicate to grow the relationship may falter. Consequently, fear, which feeds upon itself, starts to push and pull in the relationship. It is that very break in separation that, when severe, leads to feelings of loneliness. Consequently, the subtle or gentle fear/worry that quietly separates the relationship also ignites a hidden fear of loss and loneliness that begins to filter your perceptions in the relationship!

So, how do you keep the new, playfulness alive? Simply? Embrace the fears. Do your best to not let the fears influence your choices. Instead, tell the person who you are dating that you have those concerns and ask what the two of you might do to help move beyond them. Once fear or worry is brought into the open it loses it’s force. It becomes more manageable.

For those of you with interest, here is a life mastery twist to the above conversation: Once worry enters the dating relationship, it interrupts the unity and joy that was defining the experience. That fear/worry creates a break that mimics and symbolizes the initial fear of separation felt upon entering life. It is subtle but real. It is that fear that separates you from Spirit, the One, God… It is what allows the ego to think it needs to know!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

What’s it like for you when you ask someone a simple question and they respond with a question rather than a simple answer? For example:
“What time do you arrive in the office (or home)?”
“Why?”

That response may be comfortably received and understood or it could elicit frustration and more! The response, when a simple question like that, is not offensive when it is clearly a stalling tactic to think through what the person wants to say, or when it could be the person does not understand what the other is addressing in the question and so they ask a question to further define how they need to answer. Those are simple and understandable circumstances. It may be that the responder is making assumptions about why the asker is posing the question! This can truly lead the communication awry! Assumptions need to be avoided.

What can make the question in response to a question frustrating is when there is a defensiveness that stops the person from simply answering. What are they defending or defending against? The answer is going to be in their perception of the question and the person asking the question. Sometimes, there is an anger – subtle, but anger – that says I don’t want to answer you. Maybe it is because they perceive the other as controlling. Sometimes there is guilt and the person doesn’t want to answer because it may be revealing something not good. Sometimes it is a lack of trust. The question came across too intrusive or intimate. I could go on and on.

Often, the first person answers that question and finds the entire conversation got turned around and is now headed in a different direction than he or she intended. A simple, brief interaction has now become a complex interaction. It could become a power struggle or a competition. In those cases the anger can quickly become a part of the interaction.

When that happens, if it affects you in any way, it is important to identify it. Then you can ask the other person what stopped them from simply answering. If you are willing, you may even ask if it is something they perceive about you that stopped them from spontaneously and freely answering you.

If you hear your Self answering a question with a question, see if you can take a moment and feel what it is you are perceiving about the other person, the question, and/or the situation. What stopped you from answering the question and then posing your question? Be as honest with your Self as you can. What are you learning about the relationship? What are you learning about your Self.

If each person will pay attention to questions that are not answered directly but with “non answers” and then address the situation, it would stop the communication from going off topic. It would, also, stop the possible building of frustration which leads to anger. Everyone wants to be heard. In these situations if you are the asker, you are not being heard or addressed immediately. If you are the one answering with a question, you are not speaking your truth and are pushing against the other in some way.

If you have any specific questions regarding this pattern in your life or business partnership, please feel free to call or send your question anonymously to AskKristen@KristenBomas.com.

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, ever said you would never let your heart get broken again or let your Self get hurt again? How did you think you were going to DO that? Keep your Self out of a relationship that may hurt you or may end? Or end relationships before the other does? There are myriad ways people choose to TRY to avoid hurt!

Inadvertently, these efforts extend the suffering in this life. Why? Because ultimately, in this life, everyone looks for love, joy, fulfillment. Furthermore, humans are a group animal not independent. Consequently, everyone is looking for someone (I think that’s a song!). So, if someone is trying to avoid hurt then they are also avoiding relationships in some way. Even if they are avoiding intimacy, they are avoiding significant aspects of relationships.

What makes you or others go through such suffering to attempt to avoid hurt from loss or rejection? In some people, it can be that there was a loss in their life that was traumatic and they are trying to avoid the terror of the trauma that was. They are the few. For most, it is just not wanting to hurt. What about healing the hurt so that you can enjoy all relationships without needing to worry about where they are headed and if they are going to last?

Many are fearful not just because of the hurt, but because of hurt associated with other emotional experiences. Hurt, when caused by loss, can also bring up abandonment, loneliness, shame, and more. It is important to be aware of what you are experiencing so that you can heal and so that you can create the experiences you do wish to have. For example, if you are avoiding relationships because of hurt stemming from the rejection or abandonment then maybe you want to look at how to develop a relationship that grows rather than dissolves. In the meantime, you could work on healing the challenge of abandonment or rejection.

As you can begin to see that you cannot “do” this avoidance maneuver. It only causes the fear of the hurt to stay quite alive within you which will perpetuate the need to isolate which will perpetuate a loneliness. Avoidance will bring about the suffering in a different way while keeping the original pain alive in the background (so that you can avoid it!). Once the wound/challenge is healed you will not feel the same hurt you felt in the past. In fact, if you choose, you can heal to a point of not feeling hurt when a relationship ends – IF it ends!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

What is loneliness? Is it a nothingness, an absence, or something different for you?

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”
-Sylvia Plath

Everyone experiences loneliness. It is aching to be healed and it can be.

Loneliness can feel very destructive. For example, when someone loses a love they may feel lonely and have thoughts of life being useless without love. They may feel as if they are never going to be loved. That is the first bit of symbolism in loneliness. It says that the person learned loneliness at a time that they were feeling destroyed. Very true. Very young children do not know things exist beyond what they can see. So, when a child awakens, they cry for their mother or primary parent and magically he or she appears. If the parent does not show quickly, however, the cry changes to a wail. It is at this point that the child believes he or she has been abandoned and unable to survive. The child is learning loneliness (as well as abandonment).

Loneliness can be tied to shame. This too is learned in early life. Shame is that icky feeling inside that says you aren’t good enough. It is that feeling that has you question why people see you as not good enough when you feel so good on the inside. It makes you ask: why can’t others see my good self? As children, you learn shame from the judgment of your parents and family. Maybe you were told you are an embarrassment or maybe you were told not to tell anyone what happens inside the home. It could be, you were constantly made to feel like you, your dreams, and your actions weren’t good enough to earn love rather than judgments or maybe you just heard so many judgments that you could not assimilate the compliments. All or any can be precursors to the development of shame.

It doesn’t stop there. The shame makes you feel not good enough. It grows to make you feel not good enough to be wanted, loved, or kept. So, you fear you will be abandoned. If you are abandoned you are lonely and without. It is why loneliness is so connected to the absence of belonging. If you do not feel you belong, then you may think you prefer to be alone … Yet, you are looking for love and partnerships! More than likely the isolation in this situation is an effort to master the loneliness.

Isn’t it odd that we push everyone away and want to be left alone when we are lonely? If you understand the shame, fear of abandonment, and the need to master the loneliness, it makes sense. The loneliness may influence thoughts that it is safer to be left alone.Once alone, the feelings of loneliness may increase, This is how the loneliness spirals. It is at this point that destructive thoughts of suicide may appear. If those thoughts appear, understand they are showing you the destructive aspects of the experience. If those thoughts become scary to you please reach out to someone. Loneliness can be healed and more often than not is experienced in bursts but is not permanent. Everyone experiences loneliness in this life. Everyone is capable of transcending or getting to the other side of it. The very few that don’t see the other side of the loneliness gave into the pain and were engulfed in depression or committed suicide.

How do we heal loneliness? This question is not a “how to” that can be answered in this blog because healing loneliness is so individualized. Let me see what I can do to offer a general idea. If you or someone you know is feeling lonely, ask what it feels like. See if a metaphor can be created. Then objectify the metaphor. That allows you or the other to separate from the loneliness and not identify with it. If the loneliness is intense this will not work. It is a time for you to ask yourself or the other what YOU or THEY need at that time. This is not a time to think you know what someone else needs or feel you have to listen to what others tell you you need. It is a time to say, “Come over and sit with me because I do not want to go anywhere.” It is not a time to struggle with a friend who is trying to get you to go out. Be very aware that you do not want to buy into the loneliness you want to help it pass. If you or someone you know is seeming stuck in the loneliness and starting to get lost in depression, please contact a professional immediately. Depression can be healed and averted if dealt with early in the experience.

Please offer your comments on the blog and if you have any questions regarding loneliness, feel free to contact me at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

How does a couple maintain their love and romance once children are in the mix? So often I watch couples, with whom I work, struggle with how to define their relationship and their conversations once they have children. We are a people who have difficulty maintaining loving relationships in general: approximately 80% of our dating relationships dissolve and of the 20% that become permanent, 60% dissolve!! Do our children further enhance the difficulties??

Maybe! As parents, you are first and foremost partners to one another. The family structure was meant to be the parents as the pillar or backbone of the family. The problem is that we do not know how to develop our relationships. So, consequently, when the children come into the relationship, it is very easy to make them your focus! If the focus and the conversations are all about the children then, obviously, the relationship starts to fall apart or fragment.

Our children learn about relationships or partnerships by observing their parents. So, if the parents are not focused on themselves as a partnership, I wonder what the children are learning??

As parents, most couples struggle with the balance of maintaining their own relationship with the relationships they share with their children. Part of the imbalance comes from the “need” to entertain our children. Most comes from a breakdown in the communication: verbally, physically, and sexually. Parents who share in the observing and raising of their children feel the team work and camaraderie. Parents who divide and conquer are actually softly doing that to their relationship as well! Parents who maintain a traditional structure, have to adapt to a partnership that is not traditional! Although one parent may stay home, our culture today is not the same as it was many years ago. There are many influences on the individual at home working versus the one outside the home working and on maintaining household income levels.

There is a need to learn to communicate in a way that grows the partnership and continues to open each partner to the other. Life is infinite. It feels finite by the barriers imposed by fears and the past. As partners you have to constantly stoke your trust so that it is continually evolving as you evolve. This helps the two people to consistently open themselves to one another. Each partner is looking for fulfillment and happiness in their life. Rarely does one partner intend to be hurtful, distant or destructive. It happens because of the history in each of your lives. So, as a couple, you need to heal that which interferes in your intimacy and openness so that you can remain as your Self to the other and, so that, you can explore the other constantly. Further, as a couple, it is important to be conscious of the compassion in your heart. If, as a couple, you can be in a state of compassion when you communicate, you will not take things as personally and always be looking out for the best for your partner and your Self. There are many tricks I can teach to maintaining the romance but that is for another article. In the meantime, remember:

“The greatest gift you will ever give your children is your own healing.”

Pick up the March issue of Our Town News magazine for more on this topic. I’m also proud to announce my cover story will appear in their Broward edition.

Do you love Valentine’s Day or despise it? Either way, you are experiencing it. Is it a day that you look forward to, hide from, or rebel against? Regardless, you are still responding to it. And, in both questions, more often than not, “it” is defined by someone other than you! Consequently, it is important to define this holiday for your Self!

Everything in this life is inside YOU! Everything on the outside is stimulating you on the inside and, consequently, you are experiencing life in your own way. Valentine’s Day is no different. So, what is Valentine’s Day to you? Don’t answer with, “Nothing. It is important to my partner/spouse.” There is an inherent meaning in that very answer. Don’t tell us it is a “Made-up” holiday, because all holidays are “made up”. Answer the question as genuinely as you can.

As children, it was about showing love and like for everyone! We would bring candies and little cards for all the children, teachers, and some staff!! It was a very exciting day for each child because they all received Valentines from the others and could give Valentine’s to others. Then we grew up and it seems the definition changed. But how so?

Take the time to define what Valentine’s Day is to you. Then address the experience YOU would like to have on Valentine’s Day. Is Valentine’s Day only for couples? Or is it for the love of anyone in your life? If the latter, are you a Valentine to your Self? Share your thoughts. If you have someone who you wish to honor on Valentine’s Day, be sure you each understand the other’s desired experience. Let me give you an example of a woman who was understanding of the differences between her and the man she was dating. A friend had just started dating this man, and was looking forward to a romantic dinner at a restaurant. She later found out the man had no intention of celebrating Valentine’s Day. So, she booked a table at a favorite restaurant of theirs and invited him to dinner with her. So, rather than criticizing him for not meeting her expectations she created a good evening. They were able to talk about their different definitions of the holiday and what each of them had envisioned experiencing on that day. They both had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. They shared that holiday in years that followed.

If you do not have an other with whom you can celebrate this holiday, consider asking your Self to be your Valentine and enjoy a great day!

It is with my heart that I acknowledge each of you and the gift you give to me by reading and sharing my writings.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO YOU!!!

WEEK TWO

Welcome back to our 30-Day Challenge: Stress, Self and Better Health!

Let’s review last week’s challenge: Expectations. How many of you put the rubber band on your wrist? Were you surprised by the number of times you had to go for the rubber band? Did you notice a change in the number of times you noted the words of expectation as you went through the week? I don’t want any of you to change your words. That is stress producing. If the words are used (in thought or verbiage), listen for them and hear them but do NOT change them. The words will change on their own as you begin to learn more about your Self and what you are about.

How many expectations did you put upon your Self versus another? Was it lopsided or balanced? This will teach you what you learned. If you are more apt to speak expectations to others but not to your Self, what might you be judging in others? Or, vice versa, if you are finding yourself speaking expectations to your Self but not as frequently to others, what are you feeling about you and your worth?

Did you find your Self very aware of others using expectations? If so, you may be on the way to understanding from whom you experience stress versus from whom there is more support.

This is a great beginning for you all! As you join me in the online course you will learn more about the expectations versus truth and support. Let’s turn our attention to this week’s challenge!!

Stress, Self and Better Health: Self Awareness

It is very important that you learn to listen to your Self. How many of you like to be heard by others? Well then, that answers the question as to why you simply listen to your Self rather than constantly correcting your Self.

In living a balanced life, everything centers (or rests) in YOU! This life is your’s and is about you. Life, therefore, is experienced inside YOU! Consequently, when talking about developing balance in your life you must know what that experience means to you. As we talk about stress, self and health the self is in the middle of the equation because it is the very piece that balances the stressors and it’s health. So this week’s challenge will address self awareness.

Many times, when asked about your Self you may quickly answer with what you do. That is not, however, who you are. This culture tends to enforce an external view of self and others. This tends to be a large part of your stress level and, consequently, your health. So let’s go within!

In general, you can better any aspect of your life by knowing what you wish to experience as a result of the relationship with that aspect. If it is your career, how do you want to experience the hours you spend in your career? If it is your partnership, how do you want to experience your partnership? And so on… Too often you may find yourself saying “I want my job to be …,” or “I wish my partner was/would…” Both of those thoughts are of the external portion of the relationship. You want to ask your Self what YOU want to experience. It may sound something like this: I want to experience a fulfillment that gives me internal calm with each person with whom I work; or, I would like to experience a beautiful hum from the rhythm in my relationship with my partner. It doesn’t matter that others understand your experience or not. It matters that it makes sense to YOU!

So this week we will do an exercise that helps you understand how to define the experiences you are wishing to have in your life. What is your favorite type of movie, book or music? Write that down. Now, ask your Self why you like that type. Does it move you, make you laugh, excite you, etc.? As you move through the week see if you can come up with other experiences that type of entertainment evokes in you. It may bring up memories, challenges, fears, dreams, emotions, identifying elements, or so much more! While doing that can you name your favorite movie, book, or artist? What makes it your favorite? Answer that question as if there is no one else on this earth but you. this is not an easy request. Give it your best and we will do much more with this in the workshop!

I am so thankful to you all for participating!

Holidays can be very difficult for those who are in recovery, those who know people who drink or party too much and see it increase at this time, and for those who are using and feel the need to use more during this time. How do we help those who we love? How do we help our Self? What are the signs of a situational experience versus an addictive pattern?

The holidays are a time for family and friends to gather. So, it is a time of celebration and parties. But, it is also a time to feel the absence of acceptance, the loneliness, the family patterns that send your emotions reeling, and so much more!

If someone you know is suffering from any of the emotional challenges and has a problem abusing substance, this time of year can be a fire ball. That person may feel a need to run to the most secure relationship in her or his life — the bottle or drug.

For many in recovery, this can also be a challenging time because of the myriad emotional, environmental, social, and physical triggers. It is a time for feeling the true camaraderie with fellow recovering persons. Yet, can also be a time when that person may feel the difference and, consequential, loneliness.

If you are someone who quietly feels you are drinking too much or using drugs too much, this may be a time of year that further frustrates you. Consequently, there will be an increase in the judgments you put upon yourself for not meeting expectations of quitting but, in fact, increasing your intake.

Let’s all see if we can help each other feel love and acceptance at this time. This is a great time to ease someone into treatment IF they need it. When i worked at in-patient hospitals for substance abuse/addiction, we had a full house during the holidays and after…. Think about it. No one wants to suffer. Today, let’s think about our friends, family or self and ask what we can do to help them into recovery and freedom from suffering.

For more on addiction and recovery, here are some of my past blog posts:

Part One – Healing Addiction
Part Two – Addiction and the Abuse Pattern
Part Three – The Emotional Roller Coaster of Addiction