BLOGS

Are you (or your children) tired of watching the beginning of your dating relationships turn into the same old relationships of the past? Learn why and what can be done!

At the beginning of a relationship, most people are close to their truth. They are open, playful, without expectation. Oftentimes, as the relationship starts to develop, people get worried about loss.

It may not be a conscious thought. It may just be a background feeling. Simply put, it is that fear (conscious or not) that alters the freedom of expression in the relationship.

What does “close to your truth mean”? Your truth, as I refer to it, is that part of you that is in absence of any fear-based feelings or thoughts. It is that part with which you entered this life, uninfluenced by others’ teachings, opinions, and judgments. It is that part of you that shines like the sun behind dark stormy clouds!

Each of you has a different set of challenges that define this life. They make up the dark stormy clouds that cover the truth of who you are. In life, we are constantly gifted with events that illuminate those challenges. This is to help us expand and grow and is not intended to destroy. It is your free will that allows you to choose to heal, ignore or blame when the challenge presents. If you do not choose to heal, the challenge tends to present over and over in your life until you address it. Your relationships are that fertile ground for the challenges to thrive or propagate!

While dating, each of you can meet several people at once, all of whom are good eligible partners! Ultimately, you will only pursue one of them! Why? This is where the clouds are subconsciously influencing the choice! You may be open and free in your original meetings with all of the people (your truth) but when you begin narrowing down your choice your clouds have a strong say so in the final decision. Ugh! This is because of the use of judgment, perceptions, and assumptions in the narrowing process!

So, the more you look at the patterns in the relationships or the characteristics in the person that appear over and over, the more you begin to develop an awareness of those challenges that most need to heal in your life. This then offers you the opportunity to empty a dark cloud and open to your light or truth!! The more you stand in your truth the greater the probability that you will meet that partner who matches you “truthfully”!

For those of you interested in life mastery, here’s a thought:
That point at which you “allow” the fear (challenge) to enter the relationship through you is the moment you create the initial separation and consequential feeling of loss. The unity you were experiencing that was so joyful has been interrupted. That break from the unity is reminiscent of your first fear when you entered this lifetime.

Welcome to the new 30-Day challenge. This month is about how communication begins with you.

Week 2

Understanding Self

Using a scale of 1 through 7 (where 1 is not at all, 4 is neutral and 7 is always) please rate the following questions.

• When I am hurt or angry I take the time to understand from where that emotion is coming. I don’t blame the other.

• I am aware of the experiences I want to happen this life. For example, I can answer the following types of questions on a regular basis. “Where would you like to go for dinner? What would you like to do this weekend? Do you know what you need to pack for vacation?”

• Rarely do others react to my words in ways that I did not intend.

• I am aware of patterns in my key relationships that are just like the key relationships I observed or experienced while growing up.

A score of 4 through 8 means:
You may still be defining yourself through others’ expectations of you. Therefore your communication style is by reading others and responding to their needs or expectations.

A score of 9 through 22 means:
You’re beginning to feel the difference between what others are putting upon you and what is truly you! Your communication is shifting away from what they want you to say to what you want to say about you and your needs.

A score of 23 through 28 means:
You have gained an understanding and acceptance of your self that allows you to stand in your truth well communicating. Your style of communicating will be much more about teaching others of you and less about telling others about them.

Have you ever felt so defensive that your heart was pounding, or you felt you had no choice in the matter, or you felt you were waiting for someone else to make a decision that was going to affect you and your life, or….? Learn how to remain in your power regardless of what is happening around you!

You have a beautiful, strong, graceful power within you that is part of your truth! We all do! Many times in life you may feel powerless and small. In order to not slip away from that powerful graceful You, you must know what challenges get illuminated when the power temporarily leaves or hides. You also want to understand that it is a force that takes you away from that truth of your own power. In this blog, I will address just that.

Someone or something that “goes against” you or your rights is a force. It is coming from a place of ego or prideful will. It is a fear-based effort. For example, if I tell you that you have to go to work at 8 AM even though you own your own business, I am forcing you to do it my way because my ego says I know best because I am fearful of you not doing good enough! You then feel the energy of my core feeling of not being good enough and feel your power slip and your confidence may eventually slip. If, however, you are aware of your Self and your power, your response to my ridiculous effort to control my own emotional chaos would be, “ Are you fearful or untrusting about my work? Tell me what is happening within you that makes you push me out the door before I would normally leave?” Most people would get defensive and then make assumptions about my comment that would lead them farther from their power.

Knowing that all people have a fear-based set of emotions that dictate their challenges in this life and a set of love-based emotions that define their truth, helps you to begin the process of letting their words be theirs. When you listen intently to the content of the other’s words in absence of this awareness, you are following their thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. By following another you are leaving your Self and truth behind. It is at this point that you leave your Self open to losing connection with your power.

As you go through this week see if you can watch others speak and see when they are speaking from their fear-based “stuff” and when they are speaking from their love-based truth!

I will address different aspects of feeling powerless in future blog writings. Enjoy this start!!

Welcome to the new 30-Day challenge. This month is about how communication begins with you.

Week 1

How We Were Taught

Were you taught to communicate to please? See how you were taught to communicate with these four quick questions! Using a scale of 1 through 7 (where 1 is not at all, 4 is neutral and 7 is always) please rate the following questions.

• In my school years, it was important to me to have good grades and behaviors because I knew they were going to be addressed by my parents as either good enough or not acceptable.

• While living at home I had thoughts like “why can’t they see who I am? Or why do they see me like that? Or that’s not what I was thinking!”

• While living at home, I had fears of telling my parents about what was going on in my life because I was afraid they would either get angry at me or certainly not understand!

• I tend to watch the person across from me as I am speaking or responding to be sure they are comfortable with my communication.

A score of 4 through 11 means:
You may have been influenced to be aware of who you are and felt accepted in that. You tend to communicate openly regarding your interests, needs, and feelings. You are probably looking to gain even greater freedom in your style of sharing your self. Great for you!

A score of 12 through 21 means:
You were influenced away from who you are in truth and you bought into some of what they were telling you about who you are and who you needed to be. Yet, there appears to be a strength that kept you aware of your unique qualities and characteristics. You found people and places to express your Self and receive good response. You may have learned to communicate by reading others at some level. You may tend to follow rules and make sure you are doing and saying the right thing. You may get angry when defensive or when you feel misunderstood or embarrassed. You may feel resistance to being told what to do. You find your Self trying to be understood but falling short with those whose needs you cannot meet. You are ready to learn a new way!

A score of 22 through 28 means:
You struggled with how to communicate who you are to others. You learned to be fearful of the You struggled with how to communicate who you are to others. You learned to be fearful of the judgments and criticisms and the comments that may occur if you were different from anyone else around you. You may have had to fight hard to be accepted and to be pleasing. Your communication may be focused on pleasing others rather than expressing yourself. It’s time to give your Self an introduction to others!!

Create What You Desire

“We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.”© That goes so much further than the surface projections! While it is clearly about the judgments we make in our language and our thoughts of others and of Self, it also teaches us that we create, over and over, the very things we fear. How do we interrupt that frustrating pattern so that we do not recreate what we no longer desire? Better yet, how do we create the things we desire?

Sometimes, we actually create around us the very challenge beyond which we think we are trying to move. For example, somewhere in your life, you may have bought into thinking you are not good enough. So, maybe you think your dream can’t be your reality because you are not good enough. Yet you live your life as if you are going after that dream, as if you believe in your Self and, at some level, you do. And yet, one day you stop, look around and realize that the headquarters from where you are trying to create that dream is laden with the parts of the nightmare that keep you from ever believing your dream will come true. You may have people around you who judge you as not good enough, your own thoughts may have hidden doubts and/or judgments, you may be missing a key item that is required to move you forward in the dream, or more.

How do we break that pattern? First, RECOGNIZE IT! You must first be able to see what it is you are creating in the people with whom you surround your Self. You must also recognize those experiences and things with which you surround your Self. Then you must ask what each REMINDS you of in terms of your history and the people in it. It is at that point that you can begin to correct and let go of the pieces that are keeping you pinned to old patterns. Can you feel what people or things you are hesitant to release or change? It is important to identify the hesitation so that you can move through it. Any experience that is occurring in you but beneath the obvious has a great impact on you and your life. Finally, listen for the judgments you are making of people, things and experiences around you (especially as they relate to the dream you are trying to achieve). They will teach you where you need to heal, release, or transcend in order to further break an old pattern!

It takes the death of a minute to birth the next minute. Do not fear the release of what is not working for you. It will open the doors and make space for the new dream to manifest!

Have you noticed that when you are dating, the beginning of the relationship seems so free and fun? This is due to a variety of reasons but today I want to talk about a simple piece. At the beginning, you can be closest to the truth of who you are if you are having fun dating and not feeling desperate. That openness allows the other to see you and experience you with clarity of who you are. There is a sense of unity and closeness. It is that portion of the relationship that allows the two people to enjoy each other enough to want to pursue a continuous (and maybe monogamous) relationship with one another.

Then something happens! Because the relationship has been “defined”, the fear of loss (or more) encroaches. That is when many people begin to worry about what the other is thinking or doing. That is when many fears are able to enter because of the initial fear of loss. Now each of you has brought your challenges of this life into the relationship. It feels very different. There is now a bit of a distance between you whether you are conscious of it or not. That break from the unity, because of the fear, alters your fun and playfulness. This is the point at which your ability to communicate to grow the relationship may falter. Consequently, fear, which feeds upon itself, starts to push and pull in the relationship. It is that very break in separation that, when severe, leads to feelings of loneliness. Consequently, the subtle or gentle fear/worry that quietly separates the relationship also ignites a hidden fear of loss and loneliness that begins to filter your perceptions in the relationship!

So, how do you keep the new, playfulness alive? Simply? Embrace the fears. Do your best to not let the fears influence your choices. Instead, tell the person who you are dating that you have those concerns and ask what the two of you might do to help move beyond them. Once fear or worry is brought into the open it loses it’s force. It becomes more manageable.

For those of you with interest, here is a life mastery twist to the above conversation: Once worry enters the dating relationship, it interrupts the unity and joy that was defining the experience. That fear/worry creates a break that mimics and symbolizes the initial fear of separation felt upon entering life. It is subtle but real. It is that fear that separates you from Spirit, the One, God… It is what allows the ego to think it needs to know!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

What’s it like for you when you ask someone a simple question and they respond with a question rather than a simple answer? For example:
“What time do you arrive in the office (or home)?”
“Why?”

That response may be comfortably received and understood or it could elicit frustration and more! The response, when a simple question like that, is not offensive when it is clearly a stalling tactic to think through what the person wants to say, or when it could be the person does not understand what the other is addressing in the question and so they ask a question to further define how they need to answer. Those are simple and understandable circumstances. It may be that the responder is making assumptions about why the asker is posing the question! This can truly lead the communication awry! Assumptions need to be avoided.

What can make the question in response to a question frustrating is when there is a defensiveness that stops the person from simply answering. What are they defending or defending against? The answer is going to be in their perception of the question and the person asking the question. Sometimes, there is an anger – subtle, but anger – that says I don’t want to answer you. Maybe it is because they perceive the other as controlling. Sometimes there is guilt and the person doesn’t want to answer because it may be revealing something not good. Sometimes it is a lack of trust. The question came across too intrusive or intimate. I could go on and on.

Often, the first person answers that question and finds the entire conversation got turned around and is now headed in a different direction than he or she intended. A simple, brief interaction has now become a complex interaction. It could become a power struggle or a competition. In those cases the anger can quickly become a part of the interaction.

When that happens, if it affects you in any way, it is important to identify it. Then you can ask the other person what stopped them from simply answering. If you are willing, you may even ask if it is something they perceive about you that stopped them from spontaneously and freely answering you.

If you hear your Self answering a question with a question, see if you can take a moment and feel what it is you are perceiving about the other person, the question, and/or the situation. What stopped you from answering the question and then posing your question? Be as honest with your Self as you can. What are you learning about the relationship? What are you learning about your Self.

If each person will pay attention to questions that are not answered directly but with “non answers” and then address the situation, it would stop the communication from going off topic. It would, also, stop the possible building of frustration which leads to anger. Everyone wants to be heard. In these situations if you are the asker, you are not being heard or addressed immediately. If you are the one answering with a question, you are not speaking your truth and are pushing against the other in some way.

If you have any specific questions regarding this pattern in your life or business partnership, please feel free to call or send your question anonymously to AskKristen@KristenBomas.com.

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, ever said you would never let your heart get broken again or let your Self get hurt again? How did you think you were going to DO that? Keep your Self out of a relationship that may hurt you or may end? Or end relationships before the other does? There are myriad ways people choose to TRY to avoid hurt!

Inadvertently, these efforts extend the suffering in this life. Why? Because ultimately, in this life, everyone looks for love, joy, fulfillment. Furthermore, humans are a group animal not independent. Consequently, everyone is looking for someone (I think that’s a song!). So, if someone is trying to avoid hurt then they are also avoiding relationships in some way. Even if they are avoiding intimacy, they are avoiding significant aspects of relationships.

What makes you or others go through such suffering to attempt to avoid hurt from loss or rejection? In some people, it can be that there was a loss in their life that was traumatic and they are trying to avoid the terror of the trauma that was. They are the few. For most, it is just not wanting to hurt. What about healing the hurt so that you can enjoy all relationships without needing to worry about where they are headed and if they are going to last?

Many are fearful not just because of the hurt, but because of hurt associated with other emotional experiences. Hurt, when caused by loss, can also bring up abandonment, loneliness, shame, and more. It is important to be aware of what you are experiencing so that you can heal and so that you can create the experiences you do wish to have. For example, if you are avoiding relationships because of hurt stemming from the rejection or abandonment then maybe you want to look at how to develop a relationship that grows rather than dissolves. In the meantime, you could work on healing the challenge of abandonment or rejection.

As you can begin to see that you cannot “do” this avoidance maneuver. It only causes the fear of the hurt to stay quite alive within you which will perpetuate the need to isolate which will perpetuate a loneliness. Avoidance will bring about the suffering in a different way while keeping the original pain alive in the background (so that you can avoid it!). Once the wound/challenge is healed you will not feel the same hurt you felt in the past. In fact, if you choose, you can heal to a point of not feeling hurt when a relationship ends – IF it ends!

Please share your comments on the blog OR if you have any personal questions please send me your question at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

What is loneliness? Is it a nothingness, an absence, or something different for you?

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”
-Sylvia Plath

Everyone experiences loneliness. It is aching to be healed and it can be.

Loneliness can feel very destructive. For example, when someone loses a love they may feel lonely and have thoughts of life being useless without love. They may feel as if they are never going to be loved. That is the first bit of symbolism in loneliness. It says that the person learned loneliness at a time that they were feeling destroyed. Very true. Very young children do not know things exist beyond what they can see. So, when a child awakens, they cry for their mother or primary parent and magically he or she appears. If the parent does not show quickly, however, the cry changes to a wail. It is at this point that the child believes he or she has been abandoned and unable to survive. The child is learning loneliness (as well as abandonment).

Loneliness can be tied to shame. This too is learned in early life. Shame is that icky feeling inside that says you aren’t good enough. It is that feeling that has you question why people see you as not good enough when you feel so good on the inside. It makes you ask: why can’t others see my good self? As children, you learn shame from the judgment of your parents and family. Maybe you were told you are an embarrassment or maybe you were told not to tell anyone what happens inside the home. It could be, you were constantly made to feel like you, your dreams, and your actions weren’t good enough to earn love rather than judgments or maybe you just heard so many judgments that you could not assimilate the compliments. All or any can be precursors to the development of shame.

It doesn’t stop there. The shame makes you feel not good enough. It grows to make you feel not good enough to be wanted, loved, or kept. So, you fear you will be abandoned. If you are abandoned you are lonely and without. It is why loneliness is so connected to the absence of belonging. If you do not feel you belong, then you may think you prefer to be alone … Yet, you are looking for love and partnerships! More than likely the isolation in this situation is an effort to master the loneliness.

Isn’t it odd that we push everyone away and want to be left alone when we are lonely? If you understand the shame, fear of abandonment, and the need to master the loneliness, it makes sense. The loneliness may influence thoughts that it is safer to be left alone.Once alone, the feelings of loneliness may increase, This is how the loneliness spirals. It is at this point that destructive thoughts of suicide may appear. If those thoughts appear, understand they are showing you the destructive aspects of the experience. If those thoughts become scary to you please reach out to someone. Loneliness can be healed and more often than not is experienced in bursts but is not permanent. Everyone experiences loneliness in this life. Everyone is capable of transcending or getting to the other side of it. The very few that don’t see the other side of the loneliness gave into the pain and were engulfed in depression or committed suicide.

How do we heal loneliness? This question is not a “how to” that can be answered in this blog because healing loneliness is so individualized. Let me see what I can do to offer a general idea. If you or someone you know is feeling lonely, ask what it feels like. See if a metaphor can be created. Then objectify the metaphor. That allows you or the other to separate from the loneliness and not identify with it. If the loneliness is intense this will not work. It is a time for you to ask yourself or the other what YOU or THEY need at that time. This is not a time to think you know what someone else needs or feel you have to listen to what others tell you you need. It is a time to say, “Come over and sit with me because I do not want to go anywhere.” It is not a time to struggle with a friend who is trying to get you to go out. Be very aware that you do not want to buy into the loneliness you want to help it pass. If you or someone you know is seeming stuck in the loneliness and starting to get lost in depression, please contact a professional immediately. Depression can be healed and averted if dealt with early in the experience.

Please offer your comments on the blog and if you have any questions regarding loneliness, feel free to contact me at AskKristen@KristenBomas.com. I look forward to hearing from you all!

How does a couple maintain their love and romance once children are in the mix? So often I watch couples, with whom I work, struggle with how to define their relationship and their conversations once they have children. We are a people who have difficulty maintaining loving relationships in general: approximately 80% of our dating relationships dissolve and of the 20% that become permanent, 60% dissolve!! Do our children further enhance the difficulties??

Maybe! As parents, you are first and foremost partners to one another. The family structure was meant to be the parents as the pillar or backbone of the family. The problem is that we do not know how to develop our relationships. So, consequently, when the children come into the relationship, it is very easy to make them your focus! If the focus and the conversations are all about the children then, obviously, the relationship starts to fall apart or fragment.

Our children learn about relationships or partnerships by observing their parents. So, if the parents are not focused on themselves as a partnership, I wonder what the children are learning??

As parents, most couples struggle with the balance of maintaining their own relationship with the relationships they share with their children. Part of the imbalance comes from the “need” to entertain our children. Most comes from a breakdown in the communication: verbally, physically, and sexually. Parents who share in the observing and raising of their children feel the team work and camaraderie. Parents who divide and conquer are actually softly doing that to their relationship as well! Parents who maintain a traditional structure, have to adapt to a partnership that is not traditional! Although one parent may stay home, our culture today is not the same as it was many years ago. There are many influences on the individual at home working versus the one outside the home working and on maintaining household income levels.

There is a need to learn to communicate in a way that grows the partnership and continues to open each partner to the other. Life is infinite. It feels finite by the barriers imposed by fears and the past. As partners you have to constantly stoke your trust so that it is continually evolving as you evolve. This helps the two people to consistently open themselves to one another. Each partner is looking for fulfillment and happiness in their life. Rarely does one partner intend to be hurtful, distant or destructive. It happens because of the history in each of your lives. So, as a couple, you need to heal that which interferes in your intimacy and openness so that you can remain as your Self to the other and, so that, you can explore the other constantly. Further, as a couple, it is important to be conscious of the compassion in your heart. If, as a couple, you can be in a state of compassion when you communicate, you will not take things as personally and always be looking out for the best for your partner and your Self. There are many tricks I can teach to maintaining the romance but that is for another article. In the meantime, remember:

“The greatest gift you will ever give your children is your own healing.”

Pick up the March issue of Our Town News magazine for more on this topic. I’m also proud to announce my cover story will appear in their Broward edition.