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Cheating

March 26, 2013

Women and Cheating: The Aftermath Part 3

Because women are now cheating as much as men, we have been looking at some of the reasons why that may be occurring.  Regardless of why, cheating is a devastating experience for the one betrayed and often for the one who is unfaithful and possibly, for others. I will talk in generals here but please know that each individual has his or her own reaction to each and every event in his or her life.  Clearly a woman feels the betrayal and more when a man cheats on her in a relationship.  Although a man may also feel the betrayal, beyond that he tends to have different reactions when a woman cheats on him in a relationship.  Why? (Again with the why???)  There can be obvious differences in the motivations that drive women and men. So, in this series, I have addressed some of the differences in what drives a woman to be unfaithful?

 
Pain is the result of the act and can be the underlying drive for the act.  In general, both sexes were socialized to see it as more common (if not acceptable) for a man to have an affair or to keep a mistress.  While learning about dating, society teaches that the woman is passive, the one who is asked, and the man is aggressive, the one who does the asking.  The woman is taught by society that it is okay to be emotional and to express those emotions but men are taught to not be emotional or express emotions. Society further teaches that it is not becoming for a woman to be angry and it is acceptable for a man to be angry.  Why are these tidbits of information important?
 
If the woman seeks the affair she has become the aggressor and opposes the perception of being the passive.  She is no longer keeping her Self for her partner. She is expected to behave in a manner of saying “No!” to the advances of the pursuing man. A woman also tends to be more emotionally expressive in her sexual behaviors and it gives a man an opportunity to express love and his softer emotions during that time.  So, when these pieces (and more) are affected by an affair, it throws all expectations and perceptions helter skelter.  Is she giving her Self to the other? Or, is she behaving “like a man” and just having sex with the other without the emotional connection?  He does not know.  He feels the betrayal and the confusion, overwhelm,  loss, etc.  His only avenue for expression is the anger that is  the secondary reaction to any and all of the painful emotions he may be feeling.  Does she avoid her anger by going back into the “other” relationship? Or, maybe going to that relationship in the first place was to get away from that very anger.  Understanding the why can lead to a new beginning for the persons involved and, if desired, for the couple. EVERYTHING in life happens, ultimately, for the purpose of growth.  People just may not see it when they are amid the pain and suffering.
 
In conclusion, when one learns their partner has given their Self to someone else it can be a deep loss as well as a betrayal to the trust and love once felt.  When a partner goes elsewhere for sex,  the faithful partner may feel that his or her love wasn’t good enough and that, consequently, as a person, he or she is not good enough.  The act has now been personalized, thereby evoking deep feelings of shame. Men and women need to work through that shame as well as the other emotions felt to heal the relationship, any future relationship, and, most importantly, to heal their Selves. How do the men and women work through the pain, shame and betrayal? Without judgement, the person has to ask, “Why? Why is this in my life?”
 

March 19, 2013

Women and Cheating: Part 2

To understand the why of the affair does NOT condone the behavior. It does, however, promote the opportunity to heal from the wounds that may be underlying the behavior. To judge the behavior and not ask why is to further shame a person who is needing to be heard in some way. What if the affair behavior is coming from a deep wound? Is it the same behavior as someone who is angry and lashing out at their significant other? No. While there are a myriad of possible answers to the why, this article will address the subordinate position of the woman in a patriarchal society, residual anger, and perceived lack of power. I welcome any and all of your thoughts.

 

As I mentioned, over the ages, women have been shamed, demeaned, and destroyed. They were shamed for speaking their mind and for even having their own thoughts, wants, needs or ideas! They have continued to be kept or portrayed in a subordinate position. Girls continue to be socialized around the “look pretty, be dependent” message, e.g., broadcast media and Hollywood. Even if a woman is a heroine in a film she is sexually presented. Women appear to feel, and identify with, the subtle (and not so subtle) oppression. With that comes a deep need to free her Self from the internal bondage she feels from society and it’s judgment. This is a patriarchal society. Women as a whole are growing into strong leadership positions. Yet still feel the impact of the social limitations. It isn’t “cool” to be a strong, intelligent woman in a business suit. It is cool to be a strong, intelligent woman in a short skirt and high heels! Unfortunately, more often than not, others will notice ONLY her attire in an unspoken need to sexualize her. So, at some level is it possible that women are “trying” to master this feeling of being a sexual object by standing in the oppressors’ shoes and sexualizing men as objects?

 

Another possible hidden (or not so hidden) expression is that of anger — anger at men for various reasons OR anger at themselves for not being “strong enough” to withstand manipulations/controls by society and/or men. There are quite a few perceived double binds for women in society and in business. One is that she cannot be aggressive and go against that which is going against her and yet she cannot be passive and accepting of the aggression. There is so much more I could address in this area but not in this blog. It is this anger, which women are not encouraged to express, that can be a part of their using men for sexual satisfaction or cheating on their partners.

 

While a woman may be fighting to attain a position of power through her sexual encounters, she rarely leaves those situations/experiences with a feeling of empowerment but rather defeat, guilt, or shame. A woman’s body must open to receive. Each time she receives sexually from an encounter that is not loving she feels the impression. Therefore, If the current relationship is not fulfilling and she finds herself being attended to or honored by another, she is more likely to open herself to the Other. In general, it is important for a woman to feel emotional and physical acceptance in order to stay connected in her romantic relationship.Without that connection she is left sexually vulnerable and tends to pull back thereby leaving her in need. In other words, the more open and safe a woman feels the more likely she is to feel sexual because of the way women are socialized as well as the female energy by which they are dominated.

 

Given these changing times for women and society, it is a sad but real trend that women are more apt to have affairs. The three possible answers to why are far from comprehensive. I would love to hear any of your thoughts. If you have been tempted or acted upon the temptation to cheat — why?

March 12, 2013

Women and Cheating

Women are now cheating on their relationships as much as men. Is there a difference in the cheating? I would like to address this question over the next week. So, lets begin with a basis of an understanding. The differences in men and women are to be honored. It is in the differences that the unity can occur in life. And yet, women do things that mimic men and men do things to meet women’s expectations. In both cases, the one is identifying their Self through the Other. Today, let’s just look at the differences.

 

For all of time people have divided the world and life into the feminine and masculine. The division was based upon the energy and qualities of the source. Female energy is the receiving energy and, consequently, the passive. Male energy is the going-toward energy and, consequently, the aggressive. For example, in baseball, the pitcher symbolizes the male energy (ball is going toward, aggressive) and the catcher is the female energy (ball is received, passive). We all have both aspects but tend to be dominated by one. Let me go one step further, male energy is linear or solution oriented and female is circular or process oriented. We then socialize our men to be ultra masculine (beyond the male-energy traits) and women to be ultra “sexualized” (sometimes in absence of her female-energy).

 

Historically, women were held in honor and in a position of power because they were the creators of life. Throughout time, the honoring of the woman’s body has remained even when the honoring of the woman has not. In recent ages, this has been failing significantly. The trend appears to have become women not feeling honored but, instead, shamefully not good enough by “social” standards. Most recently, it appears the younger women are not knowing how to honor their position as women and their bodies as a woman’s body. The young women today are showing greater aggression, sexual expression without definition, and androgyny. Feminine has come to mean weak.

 

In life, if someone is “gone against” in some way, they will attempt to master their vulnerable position by “re-enacting” similar situations throughout life but playing the role of the Other who went against them. A potent example of this is a response when a woman is raped. She may respond in a variety of ways but two very common responses are to shut down sexually or to become “promiscuous” (which really is not promiscuity at all). What she is doing in the former is attempting to master the rape by feeling her Self in the forceful position of NO where the Other cannot go against her. In the latter position, she is attempting to master the violence by being in the forceful demanding position sexually and picking up anonymous Others for the sole purpose of sex. Unfortunately in both extremes, the woman leaves the situation re-experiencing the shame and violation from the original criminal event. And so, the emotional pattern begins again.

 

So, back to the question of affairs. I believe there is more to women having affairs than the simplicity of affairs that men are capable of experiencing. Women, in some cases, appear to be attempting to master something that has gone against their integrity in this life or lineage. As a whole, women may be responding to inherent feelings of oppression from this global patriarchal structure — a more subconscious reaction. There may also be hidden anger that they are not aware is being expressed through the action of the affair. Furthermore, a woman’s body adds a very significant difference to the equation because they are meant to receive. Consequently, sexually, women must open their body to receive into it. I will be addressing these differences and the possible meanings to women in the upcoming blog entries. I look forward to your feedback!!

Please contact KB@KristenBomas.com if you have any questions about services, topics or products.

Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Florida 33432
Phone: (561) 212-7575
Email: KB@KristenBomas.com

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