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How to Properly Identify Your Emotions

For the last part in this series I want to talk more about identifying emotions. This might sound simple, but I find that people struggle more with identifying their fear-based emotions than their love-based emotions.  Usually, because they do not like the way it feels and have stayed away from them, or have had trauma and have shut them down or never were taught. It can have myriad reasons. Whatever the reasons are, they are anchored in the fear of feeling the pain. 

Often people do not know what they are feeling because they are fearful of their feelings.

Love-based emotions are the ones you enjoy feeling and they make you feel even better when you feel them.  Consequently, people do not struggle as much with those emotions.  At least, that is, until expressing those emotions triggers fears of intimacy.  Often, in working with people who have fears around intimacy, they truly struggle with expressing the loving emotions they have for their partner. As examples: they may say how much they love their partner in a   very matter of fact style and so it does not feel as “real” to their partner; or, they may try to say something loving but they keep talking and go right into something that needs to change or something their partner is doing wrong. There is a vulnerability that can be felt by those who are afraid of intimacy.  Feeling vulnerable is fear.  Feeling open is love.

Feeling loving feelings are wonderful for the person experiencing them.  Yet, for some, those feelings are somewhat uncomfortable or foreign.  For those who feel uncomfortable with expressing or feeling loving emotions, you know it is the warm loving feelings that are making you feel uncomfortable.  Remember, uncomfortable is fear.  Therefore, what you a re learning about your Self is that there is fear around feeling your love feelings. In other words, inside you, you have a feeling that is love-based. THEN you have an uncomfortable feeling because you have become aware of the love-based feeling!  You cannot feel fear while feeling love.  You can feel it on either side of loving feelings but not during.  So, in this case, love itself is not uncomfortable, knowing you are feeling them brings up old fears or beliefs that are uncomfortable.

Then there are the fears that keep us from knowing if love is love!  Often people want to know what love is.  What is its definition?! They are looking for clarity because they cannot trust the feelings inside their Self without an external reassurance of description. This can be from a need to feel the way you “should.” Oftentimes, the questions about the love-based emotions that someone feels come from fear of not knowing if they “should” feel the way they do.  What is love?  It is an age old question from the intellectual mind.

Often people do not know what they are feeling because they are fearful of their feelings.  They may fear intimacy or they may fear their anger.  If you are not able to feel the full range of emotion, you know you have a fear that needs to heal.

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Kristen Bomas, PA
398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
Boca Raton, Fl 33432


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