Because women are now cheating as much as men, we have been looking at some of the reasons why that may be occurring. Regardless of why, cheating is a devastating experience for the one betrayed and often for the one who is unfaithful and possibly, for others. I will talk in generals here but please know that each individual has his or her own reaction to each and every event in his or her life. Clearly a woman feels the betrayal and more when a man cheats on her in a relationship. Although a man may also feel the betrayal, beyond that he tends to have different reactions when a woman cheats on him in a relationship. Why? (Again with the why???) There can be obvious differences in the motivations that drive women and men. So, in this series, I have addressed some of the differences in what drives a woman to be unfaithful?
Pain is the result of the act and can be the underlying drive for the act. In general, both sexes were socialized to see it as more common (if not acceptable) for a man to have an affair or to keep a mistress. While learning about dating, society teaches that the woman is passive, the one who is asked, and the man is aggressive, the one who does the asking. The woman is taught by society that it is okay to be emotional and to express those emotions but men are taught to not be emotional or express emotions. Society further teaches that it is not becoming for a woman to be angry and it is acceptable for a man to be angry. Why are these tidbits of information important?
If the woman seeks the affair she has become the aggressor and opposes the perception of being the passive. She is no longer keeping her Self for her partner. She is expected to behave in a manner of saying “No!” to the advances of the pursuing man. A woman also tends to be more emotionally expressive in her sexual behaviors and it gives a man an opportunity to express love and his softer emotions during that time. So, when these pieces (and more) are affected by an affair, it throws all expectations and perceptions helter skelter. Is she giving her Self to the other? Or, is she behaving “like a man” and just having sex with the other without the emotional connection? He does not know. He feels the betrayal and the confusion, overwhelm, loss, etc. His only avenue for expression is the anger that is the secondary reaction to any and all of the painful emotions he may be feeling. Does she avoid her anger by going back into the “other” relationship? Or, maybe going to that relationship in the first place was to get away from that very anger. Understanding the why can lead to a new beginning for the persons involved and, if desired, for the couple. EVERYTHING in life happens, ultimately, for the purpose of growth. People just may not see it when they are amid the pain and suffering.
In conclusion, when one learns their partner has given their Self to someone else it can be a deep loss as well as a betrayal to the trust and love once felt. When a partner goes elsewhere for sex, the faithful partner may feel that his or her love wasn’t good enough and that, consequently, as a person, he or she is not good enough. The act has now been personalized, thereby evoking deep feelings of shame. Men and women need to work through that shame as well as the other emotions felt to heal the relationship, any future relationship, and, most importantly, to heal their Selves. How do the men and women work through the pain, shame and betrayal? Without judgement, the person has to ask, “Why? Why is this in my life?”
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