How do we begin to understand the number of massacres this country has endured? I am constantly finding myself in the middle of this question. Here are my thoughts. This is not a political statement or a gun statement. It is a statement of what I see as a line of explanation for the frequency of massacres at this time.

I’m 57. Growing up we did not see mass murders. We would hear of some serial murders but not mass shootings/killings. The weapons that were available back then were not much different than today. In fact, some of the weaponry was the same. Yet, the way people murdered was different. Back then it was one person at a time. Back then we talked a lot about copycat murders. We don’t hear that on the news anymore. I want to talk about the copycat concept together with modern day massacres.

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Paying it forward

What does it mean to pay it forward? What are you truly paying forward? How do you pay it forward?

It has always been known that what we put out comes back to us. That wisdom is just that, wisdom. It is not learned knowledge that becomes a task or something we “do”. In other words, if we dish out judgment it is what is passed forward and what we then experience in our lives. If we spontaneously offer random gifts to others we are going to receive some sort of life gifts in return.

Notice that in both examples there is only a flow of passing forward. The intention is not in the return. It is easier for most people to see that purpose in the example of judgment. Most people understand that they do not judge to receive judgment back!! Yet, many people will give gifts with the hope of receiving gifts in return! All of a sudden the giving is with a purpose to receive. That is a closed loop!

Notice the phrase is paying it forward or passing it forward. It is unidirectional. Yet, if everyone is passing it forward then obviously each person would receive someone else’s passing! Furthermore, if each person lives with an internal intention or awareness of what they exude, say, or do as a paying forward then many good things can occur. For example, the person may gently become more aware of their compassion for life. Also, by living with that intent, they are affecting many many people in their lives. In fact, they would be affecting everyone with whom they come in contact. This would obviously increase the probability that you and everyone would start to receive the gifts of paying it forward.

Does this mean you always must be happy and think of the other? NO. It means that when you are experiencing a challenging time, you may want to ask your Self what you need in order to move through the challenge and back to happiness. Then allow your Self to be open to receiving that. You are then paying forward the intention of healing wounds rather than the suffering from them.

In terms of life, you are always paying forward. The question becomes what are you paying forward and are you conscious of your “gifts”? If you find your Self worrying a lot or buying into the fears of life or living as if it is you and them, then your world of existence is probably full of events to worry about or that scare you or that elicit a defensiveness about your views being right. If you find your Self living with your heart open to compassion, acceptance and healing, you will probably find your Self surrounded by rewarding and healing events. You are paying forward with intention.

Often times you read about paying it forward with suggestions of random acts of kindness. This is such a wonderful experience to share! For someone who has not really experienced living in a state of paying it forward, this task allows them to feel the excitement of being a change agent in life in a positive way! Often, I find myself pitching in the amount of money someone in line is short or paying their bill because their card did not go through and they were purchasing groceries. Something as simple as allowing someone to merge or leaving an intersection open or moving into the left lane so the person behind me can make a right on red. All of these are acts of kindness that each of you can do for a day.

Too often people think “what’s in it for me”. I have a simple answer. If everyone took from the pot of gold, how quickly would there be nothing for everyone? If everyone put into the pot of gold for each other, how quickly would the pot would be abundant with gold? If each person puts in to take out, would we need the shared pot?

When was the last time you paid it forward? Did you feel the freedom and expansiveness of the act or experience? Or did you feel the closing and frustration from wondering when you were going to see the return? Open your Self to the opportunity to pass it forward without stopping the forward motion by wishing it to come back. Just pay it forward! One day, when you are least expecting it, you will be gifted beautifully!

I wish you all an abundant life filled with gifts from the pot of gold!

“You don’t remember because you don’t care!!” “I know exactly how she is going to respond if I ask her that!” “That’s not what you meant! And you know that!”

Those statements and any like them are assumptions. Assumptions breakdown communication and relationships insidiously! How would it feel to not be invited to an event because the other person assumed you wouldn’t want to go and, so, didn’t even extend the invite? Another breakdown this time having significant affect on emotions. I could give numerous examples all would show the quiet, sometimes unknown destruction of the relationship every time an assumption is made and quietly believed.

Step 1: BECOME AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS
It is critical to become aware of your assumptions. They can quietly slip into your thinking unnoticed! They can be so sneaky as to have you skip over a thought or request because your assumption says it isn’t going to happen or isn’t necessary or will be upsetting or whatever! The more you actively learn to be aware of where you are assuming, the more affective you can be in your communication.

Step 2: ASK A QUESTION FROM THE ASSUMPTION
Once you hear an assumption inside of you, e.g., “she won’t like it,” make that thought into a question to the other person. Using the example, you would ask, “would you like to ….” Then you listen to the answer! Your assumption may have been correct but by asking the other to answer the question you are opening them to their Self and to you. That makes for a much healthier communication!! Furthermore, you never know what the other may say or do following the answer! If they continue reflecting, you have received a great opportunity to learn about the other!

Step 3: ACCEPT THE OTHER AS THEY WISH TO BE KNOWN
Let the words spoken by another be their truth. Then you can hold them to their word. If you are assuming their meaning they do not have to take responsibility for that. Therefore, they are not responsible for their communication because it is not what they said. If you find yourself wanting to go against what the other just said about their Self, ask them the question that your assumptions are screaming inside.

Enjoy these 3 simple steps to a better communication! Happiness comes from freedom in your relationships with self and others. That freedom must begin with the communication!

Since the mid 1970’s, we have appeared to grow to be a predominantly litigious society. So much so that liability appears to be more important than life! We no longer think of the child or the person first. We are trained to think of the liability first and the person second. For example, we are told NOT to physically help a person in a car accident because we could be held liable! We have been trained to think “liability” so much that we no longer trust (although this is only one of several components). Furthermore, the “liability” mentality appears to have aided in the fragmentation of our society and culture! “Liability” positioning also seems to have aided in the entitlement that appears to be a dominant characteristic of our people. It is a fighting mentality: a me-against-you mentality.

Anyway, I have digressed. To me, the most painful of all of this is the reality of liability overriding human welfare. It is no longer a community raising the children. It is the community staying away from someone else’s child. Thereby creating an environment with an absence of safety for the child. Think about it. A child who plays with friends in the neighborhood and knows all adults are watching him or her to be sure he or she is ok, feels very safe. A child who walks “empty” streets to a friend’s house (because they know no other adults), feels greater aloneness and fear. So, fear begets fear! Fear fragments! So, here we are — a culture where we are increasing the fear and mistrust.

Is it starting to make “sense” why we are so mistrusting and litigious?! Can you see how, if we are untrusting of one another, we cannot have community and if we do not have community, then we are going to become self-centered, -serving, and -contained?! It is from that point that the “paranoia” of litigation begins. I have known many professionals in the health-care industry who do the least possible reporting of child and spouse abuse. In other words, if another reported the abuse, they document that in their notes and keep moving forward like they are not responsible. But what about when they have information that could decide the case? Many times, a health-care professional sits quietly in the background due to fear of litigation if they come forward with their proof. Often times, there is a person who suffers as a result of that choice to refrain.

It is no longer ok for a physician to tell the spouse what is going on with their partner without formal ok. I have witnessed a situation where a violent parent was visiting with their adolescent child. The child was scared about the parents intention. Yet, when I asked the charge nurse to dispatch a behavior technician into the visitation room to quietly observe the interactions, I was met with a resounding NO! I was informed the facility cannot be liable. What about the welfare of the child?! An adult person, in a seriously abusive relationship, cannot get support until there is “physical evidence” (physical harm) — because of liability. We cannot seek support in an abusive relationship until the physical abuse has taken over to a point of visibility??!! How does a culture allow this to get so out of control?

With the absence of community and family, and the absence of trust, the more fear in which we will live and therefore the more litigious we will become as a people. The more litigious we become, the more we will fear one another and the less apt we are to feel apathy, altruism, and responsibility to protect or warn. A great example is one day I was a passenger in a car of 7 adults. We passed a new accident. I said, “call 911”. The response I got was, “No, I’m sure that’s already been done!” So, I pulled my phone out and called and everyone got upset that I wasn’t obedient. Here’s why I wasn’t. Years ago on an Easter weekend, I was on Alligator Alley in South Florida. Two cars in front of me I saw the smoke of an accident and immediately called 911. I described the accident as it had just unfolded and gave the mile marker 45 for reference. I was one of MANY passing cars and yet was the first to call emergency services. So, why was i the first? Why do people not want to get involved? I believe that we have lost our sense of community and altruism. I believe that, in part, we are thinking too much about protecting our Self from litigation to respond to the welfare of our people.

For today, notice at least one thought you will have that is aware of liability. Then allow yourself to answer the question, “Where did I learn to think this way?” If we can move beyond this mentality one person at a time, we have the hope of creating change in the way we each help one another.