Looking at the holiday celebration for divorced and separated families, we have looked at acceptance and loving emotionality as the foundation of the holiday. As we continue talking about the components of a holiday for a divorced family, we would be remiss to not talk about the gifts given. The joy of giving gifts at this time is intimate and lasting – for the child and the parent. For the child, it is part of the foundation of many holiday memories. A gift that is given to the child, for the child, and with the purpose of fulfilling the child’s wish, sets the stage of a joyous holiday and joyous memories. Gifts given with an agenda are felt by the child which alters the way they receive it and remember it.
Often it is forgotten that the above-mentioned emotions and expression are a form of gift giving. As a parent, your very presence is a present. Be present during the holidays. The holidays, in particular, are about the way you feel and about your experience. Those are internal. Therefore, the greatest part of the holiday is filling it with your love, acceptance and joy! The greatest gift you can give your child is your own healing, especially for the holidays!!! It is in your healing that the child — intuitively, emotionally, and physically – can begin healing as well!
The physical gifts are secondary to the thoughts and emotions inherent in them. As a parent, this is not the time to compete with your ex-partner. A gift given to a child in an effort to outdo your partner, is at best, a gift to your partner. A gift given to show your ex partner how well (or not well) you are doing is also not about your child! It is the ego needing to evoke an emotional reaction in the other. Both efforts skip over the child because the child is not the focus of the gift. Making a point to the ex-partner is the point. The child will feel this and know this. I promise. When they pick up on the hidden agenda, they feel unimportant and responsible for the discord or imbalance. It can create a mix of confusing emotions.
Your child needs to know that he or she is the only focus when they open the gifts you gifted him or her. Along those lines of thought, stay in a complimentary state about all gifts given by your ex-partner. If the gift your child received from your ex partner bothers or upsets him or her in some way, remain focused on your child’s emotions and not the quality of the gift by the other. Likewise, they need to know you are thrilled and focused on the gift you receive from her or him. Even if your ex bought the gift and you don’t like it, stay present to your child. Compliment the gift and the effort of your child. The positivism is critical. Your child needs you! If you are not completely focused on creating an experience that is joyous with your child they will feel the loss again and may also feel the responsibility of the repeated loss.
