BLOGS

Too often I hear people talk about being independent. But there is no such thing as independent in this life.  Everything we do, even eating an apple, is interdependent.  The same is true of our country!  We celebrate Independence Day because it is the day we gained our independence from England but we are not an independent country.  We are interdependent.

Everything we do in this life, is a part of many people coming together to make it happen.  Let’s look at eating an apple.  It took the farmer, the labor on the farm, the truck driver who took the apples to the packing place, all the workers in the packing place, then another driver, etc.  Finally it is in your hand ready to be eaten.  But you depend on hundreds of people to do their part for you to have that wonderful juicy apple. 

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The following are my thoughts as inspired by Dr. Alcalay’s submission to this blog. As you read through his article you see that we are teaching our children to look outward to non-person-based objects. He further states that this overall set of behaviors is affecting our adolescents’ identity and self development as well as their emotional health. I would like to remark on that.

As parents continue to choose to allow their children to focus on external non-person objects, they are inadvertently agreeing to ignore that very child. In general, by allowing children to have an external focus, parents are not helping with the development of the child’s own truth or definition of self. There are a further number of challenges that develop as a result of an absence of focus on the child. Without an understanding of Self, the child may grow not knowing what they prefer, what they like, what they wish to experience, or what they dream.

Without interaction with others, the child may not develop a sense of who they are separate from others. They probably will not develop a sense of social comfort or social skill. Consequently, the child may feel a sense of being not good enough because they don’t have a way to develop a good feeling about their self. At the beginning, we learn who we are by seeing our dreams in others and then transferring that into our Self. For instance a child under 3 has a blanket or stuffed animal to which they are attached. This object is so they can internalize the primary parent: that person who gives them safety, acceptance, and understanding. Without a sense of self that is positive or theirs, the child can become frustrated and fearful leading to anger and aggression as a secondary reaction to the prior emotions.

If our children begin to feel frustrated and angry and they do not have parents with whom they are interacting on a teaching caring level, they become more internally judgmental. Consequently, they then may become more angry and lonely and frustrated. At this point, they may learn to believe that bullying is okay and that aggression is okay. If the television, games, and more are desensitizing them to aggression, bullying and more, this can be a lethal combination. Consequently, they may grow to think their aggression is an acceptable form of expression for their fear-based emotions. Worse, they may not even have a language to express their fear-based emotions.

In the absence of knowing who they are and knowing their emotions, it most probably can lead to an intense sense of shame: the feeling that they are not what others think they are; that they are not good enough; that they are different than others and therefore not acceptable; and so much more.  It is at this point that you may be able to see how easily all of the external focus can lead to an increase in anxiety and obesity.

There’s a further thought, if in fact our children of today are not learning who they are as a person, they are not defining their integrity, remorse, or responsibility in the way that we, the generation of their parents, learned. This can lead to an intense sense of entitlement. I think most of us are aware of the problem we are having in this country with entitlement. Furthermore, without remorse or responsibility being strong in the development of sense of self, our growing children become detached and further desensitized to their own expression of aggression and anger.

Without socializing with others and learning who they are, our children will probably have a much greater propensity to take things personally. Add to that the fear they are not good enough and then they would be even more apt to take things personally.

At this point I think all of us can start to see how the children growing up today run a high risk of not only not knowing who they are but not being able to define themselves through or with or separate from others. Consequently, they may flounder. We are also seeing a rise in suicide, substance abuse and sleeplessness coupled with ADHD and anxiety. That is for another response. Meantime, do we need to wonder why? At what point do we step in and create a stop? At what point do parents begin to say “my only job is to develop in my child the ability to have happiness in this life”? At what point do parents begin to understand that their only job is to create safe boundaries within which a child can explore and grow. When we allow the media, games, and entertainment to raise our children there are no boundaries and there is no safety.

While there is no handbook on how to raise a child? People like Dr Alcalay and I are here and willing to answer any and all questions you may have. We invite all of you to write back or call with your feedback, questions, and concerns. Feel free to tweet @kristenbomas or respond on the website of Facebook. We welcome an interactive platform so that we may serve you and your needs.

I would like to thank Dr. Edan Alcalay for his contribution and partnership in this blog as well as his fellowship on the podcast. Edan is an amazing psychologist and man. It is a great privilege and joy to have him join us on my blog. I am honored to be able to introduce him to all of you.

The Digital Era
Kids spend almost 8 hours per day in front of a screen….Couple that with media multi-tasking, watching a movie and texting or facebooking while surfing the Internet, and it now jumps to 10 hours per day. That 1/3 of a kid’s life is in front of a screen!!!

How is that not going to influence our youth? Anxiety has risen over the past 30 years, ADHD has increased, and Obesity. 25% of youths are diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder, 1 in 9 have ADHD and Obesity has doubled in children and tripled in adolescents. Alarming!!

Elementary students who spend more than two hours a day watching TV or using a computer are more likely to have emotional, social and attention problems. Exposure to video games also increases the risk of attention problems in children. Children who watch excessive amounts of TV are more likely to bully than children who don’t (Ozmert, Ince, Pektas, Ozdemir, & Uckardes, 2011). Too much exposure to violence on TV and in movies, music videos, and video and computer games can desensitize children to violence. As a result, children may learn to accept violent behavior as a normal part of life and a way to solve problems (Huesmann, Moise-Titus, Podolski, & Eron, 2003).

Where did it all begin… Ronald Reagan. Well, in the 1980’s the Reagan Administration promoted Free Enterprise, ‘let the people govern themselves’. Businesses flourished, economic freedom, somewhat. Just prior to that, in the 1970’s the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) proposed a ban on advertising to children. In the 1980’s, nonetheless, Congress refuted this and called the FTC a “National Nanny”. Marketing companies exploded with advertising campaigns targeting children. The “Nag Factor” was developed where companies learned that if they convince children vis-a-vis commercials to buy their products, they would “Nag” their parents to purchase it.

Saturday morning, perhaps one of the most exciting times of the week, was where back to back cartoons held a TV spot from about 7am-11am. These cartoons were scientifically engineered to have one outcome- SELL. They would have a psychologist on staff in order to manipulate their naive audience. Martin Lindstrom wrote a book called Brandwashed discussing how multi-billion dollar companies spend exorbitant amount of money to brainwash its consumer. Smells, sounds, colors, placement of ads, height of point of sale, are all just a few examples of many. Strollers, bibs, much of kids’ necessities now have licensed character from Elmo to Buzz Lightyear. Infants as young a 6 months old, are able to form “mental image” of marketing campaigns. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that “nearly all of America’s 6-years-old could identify Joe Camel, who was just as familiar to them as Mickey Mouse.”

It gets worse, a study by Chen et al. (1999) found that 1 extra hour of MTV was associated with an increased in potential adolescent alcohol abuse by 31%. Socially, marketing companies have glorified alcohol in order to create an alluring attraction. Not only are the effects of alcohol reinforcing, but the social lubrication and communal component has its benefits as well. With identity being one of the developmental components of adolescents, marketing companies through branding can contaminate this identity search. The branding that companies project on the public becomes the integral part of the self (Aaker, 1996). Through various forms of advertising, marketers embed their brand into the psyche of their target population. Specifically, U.S. Television alcohol advertising has reached 89% of youths under the legal drinking age (i.e., ages 12 to 20) (Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth, 2008). When the Federal Trade Commission looked into this issue, they stated that there is some evidence that advertising plays a role on underage drinking, yet it is “far from conclusive” (Federal Trade Commission, 1999; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2000). However, subsequent studies looked at 13 longitudinal studies published in peer-reviewed literature, following up a total of more than 38,000 young people (18 and younger) from 13 studies to assess the impact of marketing on adolescents, suggested that exposure to media is associated with a greater probability that adolescents will commence alcohol consumption, or consume more if they are already drinking at baseline (Anderson, De Bruijn, Angus, Gordon, & Hastings, 2009).

Cellphones, our fifth limb, is engrained in us so much that the first thing that people do when they wake up is check their phone. Also, what many do is browse their cellphone at night which according to According to Harvard Medical School sleep researcher Steven Lockley.

This influences our circadian rhythm, and as we know, if we have a difficult night of sleep our emotional/mental heath is poor. Children, especially need at least 8-10 hours of sleep every day for proper development. This is the time where neural connection and synaptic pruning occurs. Millions of American Youth watch television and have a cellphone. Youths who watch more than 2 hours per day of TV are likely to be overweight (Strasburger, 2011). Moreover, in a study among adolescents, intensive mobile phone use was linked to poor perceived health, both directly and through poor sleep and waking-time tiredness (Punamäki, Wallenius, Nygard, Saarni, Rimpela, 2007).

On this day we honor our fallen warriors. It is not a happy day. It is a day of honor. It is a day of reflection. It is a day of pain. It is a day of gratitude. It is a day of loss and a day of gain. Even for those warriors who returned home, it was with great loss in their lives. Life will never be the same for them.

We live with a great freedom because of their gifts that cost them their freedom. Most of our warriors will never feel the freedom in their hearts. Of the families, friends and loved ones of those warriors who passed, most will lose the freedom in their hearts as well. We must not forget this.

On this Memorial Day, during your prayer or your quiet reflections, let each of us send a healing energy from our heart to each of theirs. Feel it. Send it. Know that as each of us opens our heart to its freedom and to its love that we are uniting with those who have served us. Let us begin the healing of the wounds.

On this Memorial Day, recognize the freedom that allows you to believe whatever you believe, worship whatever God you choose to worship or not, marry whoever you wish to marry (almost there!!), speak whatever you wish to speak, be all that you can be and infinitely more! Then say “Thank you” to those who have been willing to fight for our freedom and to maintain a powerful presence on this earth as a free and protective people of all!

IF YOU TRULY WISH TO SAY THANK YOU TO OUR WARRIORS, VOTE!!!!! It is with our votes that we keep freedom alive. Just vote! Vote for YOUR choice of candidate at the local, state, and federal levels. All votes are the right vote. There is no wrong vote. Your choice of party or no party affiliation is a great choice! You have freedom to choose! Have a voice in freedom. Honor the lives that have gifted you this freedom by voting! Keep their memory alive with your vote! Don’t just sit and wait for the warriors to fight for your freedom! VOTE AND SHOW OUR VETERANS THAT THEIR EFFORTS ARE SUPPORTED BY YOURS!

May each of you have a blessed Memorial Day that begins the healing and influences greater freedom!!

Paying it forward

What does it mean to pay it forward? What are you truly paying forward? How do you pay it forward?

It has always been known that what we put out comes back to us. That wisdom is just that, wisdom. It is not learned knowledge that becomes a task or something we “do”. In other words, if we dish out judgment it is what is passed forward and what we then experience in our lives. If we spontaneously offer random gifts to others we are going to receive some sort of life gifts in return.

Notice that in both examples there is only a flow of passing forward. The intention is not in the return. It is easier for most people to see that purpose in the example of judgment. Most people understand that they do not judge to receive judgment back!! Yet, many people will give gifts with the hope of receiving gifts in return! All of a sudden the giving is with a purpose to receive. That is a closed loop!

Notice the phrase is paying it forward or passing it forward. It is unidirectional. Yet, if everyone is passing it forward then obviously each person would receive someone else’s passing! Furthermore, if each person lives with an internal intention or awareness of what they exude, say, or do as a paying forward then many good things can occur. For example, the person may gently become more aware of their compassion for life. Also, by living with that intent, they are affecting many many people in their lives. In fact, they would be affecting everyone with whom they come in contact. This would obviously increase the probability that you and everyone would start to receive the gifts of paying it forward.

Does this mean you always must be happy and think of the other? NO. It means that when you are experiencing a challenging time, you may want to ask your Self what you need in order to move through the challenge and back to happiness. Then allow your Self to be open to receiving that. You are then paying forward the intention of healing wounds rather than the suffering from them.

In terms of life, you are always paying forward. The question becomes what are you paying forward and are you conscious of your “gifts”? If you find your Self worrying a lot or buying into the fears of life or living as if it is you and them, then your world of existence is probably full of events to worry about or that scare you or that elicit a defensiveness about your views being right. If you find your Self living with your heart open to compassion, acceptance and healing, you will probably find your Self surrounded by rewarding and healing events. You are paying forward with intention.

Often times you read about paying it forward with suggestions of random acts of kindness. This is such a wonderful experience to share! For someone who has not really experienced living in a state of paying it forward, this task allows them to feel the excitement of being a change agent in life in a positive way! Often, I find myself pitching in the amount of money someone in line is short or paying their bill because their card did not go through and they were purchasing groceries. Something as simple as allowing someone to merge or leaving an intersection open or moving into the left lane so the person behind me can make a right on red. All of these are acts of kindness that each of you can do for a day.

Too often people think “what’s in it for me”. I have a simple answer. If everyone took from the pot of gold, how quickly would there be nothing for everyone? If everyone put into the pot of gold for each other, how quickly would the pot would be abundant with gold? If each person puts in to take out, would we need the shared pot?

When was the last time you paid it forward? Did you feel the freedom and expansiveness of the act or experience? Or did you feel the closing and frustration from wondering when you were going to see the return? Open your Self to the opportunity to pass it forward without stopping the forward motion by wishing it to come back. Just pay it forward! One day, when you are least expecting it, you will be gifted beautifully!

I wish you all an abundant life filled with gifts from the pot of gold!

Since the mid 1970’s, we have appeared to grow to be a predominantly litigious society. So much so that liability appears to be more important than life! We no longer think of the child or the person first. We are trained to think of the liability first and the person second. For example, we are told NOT to physically help a person in a car accident because we could be held liable! We have been trained to think “liability” so much that we no longer trust (although this is only one of several components). Furthermore, the “liability” mentality appears to have aided in the fragmentation of our society and culture! “Liability” positioning also seems to have aided in the entitlement that appears to be a dominant characteristic of our people. It is a fighting mentality: a me-against-you mentality.

Anyway, I have digressed. To me, the most painful of all of this is the reality of liability overriding human welfare. It is no longer a community raising the children. It is the community staying away from someone else’s child. Thereby creating an environment with an absence of safety for the child. Think about it. A child who plays with friends in the neighborhood and knows all adults are watching him or her to be sure he or she is ok, feels very safe. A child who walks “empty” streets to a friend’s house (because they know no other adults), feels greater aloneness and fear. So, fear begets fear! Fear fragments! So, here we are — a culture where we are increasing the fear and mistrust.

Is it starting to make “sense” why we are so mistrusting and litigious?! Can you see how, if we are untrusting of one another, we cannot have community and if we do not have community, then we are going to become self-centered, -serving, and -contained?! It is from that point that the “paranoia” of litigation begins. I have known many professionals in the health-care industry who do the least possible reporting of child and spouse abuse. In other words, if another reported the abuse, they document that in their notes and keep moving forward like they are not responsible. But what about when they have information that could decide the case? Many times, a health-care professional sits quietly in the background due to fear of litigation if they come forward with their proof. Often times, there is a person who suffers as a result of that choice to refrain.

It is no longer ok for a physician to tell the spouse what is going on with their partner without formal ok. I have witnessed a situation where a violent parent was visiting with their adolescent child. The child was scared about the parents intention. Yet, when I asked the charge nurse to dispatch a behavior technician into the visitation room to quietly observe the interactions, I was met with a resounding NO! I was informed the facility cannot be liable. What about the welfare of the child?! An adult person, in a seriously abusive relationship, cannot get support until there is “physical evidence” (physical harm) — because of liability. We cannot seek support in an abusive relationship until the physical abuse has taken over to a point of visibility??!! How does a culture allow this to get so out of control?

With the absence of community and family, and the absence of trust, the more fear in which we will live and therefore the more litigious we will become as a people. The more litigious we become, the more we will fear one another and the less apt we are to feel apathy, altruism, and responsibility to protect or warn. A great example is one day I was a passenger in a car of 7 adults. We passed a new accident. I said, “call 911”. The response I got was, “No, I’m sure that’s already been done!” So, I pulled my phone out and called and everyone got upset that I wasn’t obedient. Here’s why I wasn’t. Years ago on an Easter weekend, I was on Alligator Alley in South Florida. Two cars in front of me I saw the smoke of an accident and immediately called 911. I described the accident as it had just unfolded and gave the mile marker 45 for reference. I was one of MANY passing cars and yet was the first to call emergency services. So, why was i the first? Why do people not want to get involved? I believe that we have lost our sense of community and altruism. I believe that, in part, we are thinking too much about protecting our Self from litigation to respond to the welfare of our people.

For today, notice at least one thought you will have that is aware of liability. Then allow yourself to answer the question, “Where did I learn to think this way?” If we can move beyond this mentality one person at a time, we have the hope of creating change in the way we each help one another.