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What Does Valentine’s Day Mean To You?

Do you love Valentine’s Day or despise it? Either way, you are experiencing it. Is it a day that you look forward to, hide from, or rebel against? Regardless, you are still responding to it. And, in both questions, more often than not, “it” is defined by someone other than you! Consequently, it is important to define this holiday for your Self!


Everything in this life is inside YOU! Everything on the outside is stimulating you on the inside and, consequently, you are experiencing life in your own way. Valentine’s Day is no different. So, what is Valentine’s Day to you? Don’t answer with, “Nothing. It is important to my partner/spouse.” There is an inherent meaning in that very answer. Don’t tell us it is a “Made-up” holiday, because all holidays are “made up”. Answer the question as genuinely as you can.


As children, it was about showing love and like for everyone! We would bring candies and little cards for all the children, teachers, and some staff!! It was a very exciting day for each child because they all received Valentines from the others and could give Valentine’s to others. Then we grew up and it seems the definition changed. But how so?


Take the time to define what Valentine’s Day is to you. Then address the experience YOU would like to have on Valentine’s Day. Is Valentine’s Day only for couples? Or is it for the love of anyone in your life? If the latter, are you a Valentine to your Self? Share your thoughts. If you have someone who you wish to honor on Valentine’s Day, be sure you each understand the other’s desired experience. Let me give you an example of a woman who was understanding of the differences between her and the man she was dating. A friend had just started dating this man, and was looking forward to a romantic dinner at a restaurant. She later found out the man had no intention of celebrating Valentine’s Day. So, she booked a table at a favorite restaurant of theirs and invited him to dinner with her. So, rather than criticizing him for not meeting her expectations she created a good evening. They were able to talk about their different definitions of the holiday and what each of them had envisioned experiencing on that day. They both had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. They shared that holiday in years that followed.


If you do not have an other with whom you can celebrate this holiday, consider asking your Self to be your Valentine and enjoy a great day!


It is with my heart that I acknowledge each of you and the gift you give to me by reading and sharing my writings.




30-Day Challenge: Stress, Self and Better Health: Self Awareness




Welcome back to our 30-Day Challenge: Stress, Self and Better Health!


Let’s review last week’s challenge: Expectations. How many of you put the rubber band on your wrist? Were you surprised by the number of times you had to go for the rubber band? Did you notice a change in the number of times you noted the words of expectation as you went through the week? I don’t want any of you to change your words. That is stress producing. If the words are used (in thought or verbiage), listen for them and hear them but do NOT change them. The words will change on their own as you begin to learn more about your Self and what you are about.


How many expectations did you put upon your Self versus another? Was it lopsided or balanced? This will teach you what you learned. If you are more apt to speak expectations to others but not to your Self, what might you be judging in others? Or, vice versa, if you are finding yourself speaking expectations to your Self but not as frequently to others, what are you feeling about you and your worth?


Did you find your Self very aware of others using expectations? If so, you may be on the way to understanding from whom you experience stress versus from whom there is more support.


This is a great beginning for you all! As you join me in the online course you will learn more about the expectations versus truth and support. Let’s turn our attention to this week’s challenge!!


Stress, Self and Better Health: Self Awareness


It is very important that you learn to listen to your Self. How many of you like to be heard by others? Well then, that answers the question as to why you simply listen to your Self rather than constantly correcting your Self.


In living a balanced life, everything centers (or rests) in YOU! This life is your’s and is about you. Life, therefore, is experienced inside YOU! Consequently, when talking about developing balance in your life you must know what that experience means to you. As we talk about stress, self and health the self is in the middle of the equation because it is the very piece that balances the stressors and it’s health. So this week’s challenge will address self awareness.


Many times, when asked about your Self you may quickly answer with what you do. That is not, however, who you are. This culture tends to enforce an external view of self and others. This tends to be a large part of your stress level and, consequently, your health. So let’s go within!


In general, you can better any aspect of your life by knowing what you wish to experience as a result of the relationship with that aspect. If it is your career, how do you want to experience the hours you spend in your career? If it is your partnership, how do you want to experience your partnership? And so on… Too often you may find yourself saying “I want my job to be …,” or “I wish my partner was/would…” Both of those thoughts are of the external portion of the relationship. You want to ask your Self what YOU want to experience. It may sound something like this: I want to experience a fulfillment that gives me internal calm with each person with whom I work; or, I would like to experience a beautiful hum from the rhythm in my relationship with my partner. It doesn’t matter that others understand your experience or not. It matters that it makes sense to YOU!


So this week we will do an exercise that helps you understand how to define the experiences you are wishing to have in your life. What is your favorite type of movie, book or music? Write that down. Now, ask your Self why you like that type. Does it move you, make you laugh, excite you, etc.? As you move through the week see if you can come up with other experiences that type of entertainment evokes in you. It may bring up memories, challenges, fears, dreams, emotions, identifying elements, or so much more! While doing that can you name your favorite movie, book, or artist? What makes it your favorite? Answer that question as if there is no one else on this earth but you. this is not an easy request. Give it your best and we will do much more with this in the workshop!


I am so thankful to you all for participating!


30-Day Challenge: Stress, Self and Better Health




We welcome you to our 30-Day Challenge for less stress and better health! Over the next 4 Mondays, we will offer you some information and questions that can be your beginning to decreased stress levels and increased health! At the end of the 4th week, we will offer a brief online course that will tie the 4 weeks together and allow you to deepen the experience. Let’s begin:


Stress, Self and Better Health: Expectations


It has been known for all of time that stress leads to illness and injury. Today our media reports that stress is the leading influence for illness. There can be physical, chemical and emotional stressors. The physical stressors can be injuries, working out, sunburn, etc. Chemical stressors can be unhealthy food, medications, petrolatum products, pollution, etc. Finally, emotional stressors are anything that evokes the fear-based emotions (versus the love-based emotions). Consequently, if we have great nutrition, awareness of our body, and live in an absence of fear we will not experience the impact of stress!! Let’s get real. Most Americans cannot say that is their life. So, what can we do to begin decreasing the stress in our lives?


The physical and chemical stressors are the easiest to implement change. Once you identify where the stressors lie, you can, one by one, eliminate most of them. For example, you can hire a nutritionist (for healthier foods) or install a water treatment system (for water without chemicals) or work with a physician who has a holistic practice (to eliminate medications) etc. The emotional stressors are more difficult mostly because they are not tangible and are fear-based (and no one likes fear!). So, this series will address the emotional stressors more so than the others.


This week we are going to address expectations. Expectations are inherent in almost all emotional stress. Expectations are those thoughts or comments that are from someone or somewhere else and do not match your inner desires. They are an external frame of reference. Even if you think you are placing expectations on your self, you are truly using expectations that others had put upon you. Otherwise, you would have personal goals.


Let me give you an example. If I get home at the end of the day and I look at the dishes in the sink and I think, “Wow, I really should wash all those dishes,” then, I am thinking I need to wash the dishes because someone told me I should. Should is word that represents the expectation. If, however, I walk into the house and I see the dishes in the sink and I say to myself, “I’d really like to clean his dishes and make myself a dinner tonight,” or, maybe I say, “Ah, I’ll clean the dishes in the morning when I awaken. Either of the last two sentences is going to be closer to the way I feel inside. Maybe they both are. But as soon as I think I “should” do something or I “need” to do something, then I have switched from a personal goal or desire to an external expectation.


There is one glitch!! In the “workplace” and competitive sports there are going to be inherent expectations. That is because of the external structure and that it is that structure that dictates the outcome or bottom line. Once you become aware of expectations within yourself, you then will learn how to separate those that are inherent in the structure and those that are personally affecting you. It is at that point you will learn to balance the external structure with your internal personal being.


So, here’s the challenge for this week. I want you to become very aware of when and how often you say or think the following words or phrases:

  • Should
  • Need to
  • Suppose to

    You can do this by putting a rubber band on your wrist and popping it each time you hear yourself say or think any of those words or phrases. You can also keep a little notepad (or tape a piece of paper to the desk) and make a mark every time one of those words or phrases comes in language or thought.
    Second, I would like you to be identify if the expectations are of you or another.


    Third, I would like you to become very aware of those words or phrases in others around you. Who, around you, expresses expectations the most?


    Go forth!! Enjoy your challenge!!


    The Ugly Spiral Of Negative Self Talk

    Damn!! I can’t believe I did that. How stupid! … You LOST weight! But I surely FOUND it!


    How often do you find yourself talking poorly to your Self? Too often people say, whisper, or think negatively of their Self – negative self talk. Sometimes it is so progressed that it happens without awareness. It isn’t that people want to talk harshly to themselves, it is just something that is familiar and learned. People don’t like it when others talk badly about them, judge them, or hurt them. People would rather experience kind words from others. They want to be liked, believed in, and heard. And similarly, they must then learn to talk positively to themselves. Let’s look at the negative self talk and its affects and then address positive self talk and how it can be brought to the forefront.


    In order to talk negatively to your Self you must have learned such judgements and labels. It is of your past. And so, the negative self talk is one way you keep yourself from living in the present. Negative self talk keeps you in your past – in those challenges that keep you from true happiness. It is driven by fear of not being good enough or shame. That means that it is not part of who you truly are. It is what you assimilated from everyone else and is how you are carrying them around with you daily!!


    How might it serve you to judge and criticize your Self so harshly? (Don’t say it doesn’t!) At some level you may be trying to master those very judgements. Or, you may be looking for the indirect compliments that come when someone says “No you aren’t,” or “Don’t talk to yourself that way.” Whatever it is, it is not comforting you. The negative thoughts are destroying your Self and its identity, confidence, and esteem. They are fueling the very insecurities that you would love to live without. Those insecurities keep you from life’s happiness and fulfillment. Which would you rather experience – laughter and joy or loneliness and sadness? Which do you think you’re feeding when you talk negatively to your Self?


    The more you live in judgment of your Self, the more you are living with a fear of judgment from others. Further, the more you live in judgment of your Self, the more you are judging others. Consequently, if you are judging your Self AND others you are doubling up on feeding the fears that YOU are being judged. Ah! That is not a path to happiness!


    The judgments and criticisms of your self talk are anchored in your fear-based emotions. Fear feeds on your thinking and then feeds your fear-based thinking. That means the negative self talk feeds upon itself and grows and picks up speed. Much like any fear does – it spirals rapidly. If those thoughts and comments are increasing in your daily existence, then how are they affecting your perceptions of the world around you? Negatively!! Further, if your perceptions are your reality then your reality is pretty negative. Ugh!


    As you go forward, listen for your negative thoughts, comments, etc. and say to your Self – “STOP!” Saying stop breaks the momentum and alerts you to the negative self talk. That awareness is the biggest step. Then ask your Self if you would allow someone to talk to your child in the way you just spoke to your Self. Hear and feel the “No.” There are several things you can do at this point to begin the healing, but that’s for another forum. It is critical that the awareness grows so you can slow the talk before you begin any further steps in healing.


    Once you’ve said “Stop,” it is time to insert a positive comment. Even if all you can say is “You didn’t deserve that” or “No you aren’t (that),” you have started a positive trend. Positive energy and thinking is more addictive than the fear or negative thoughts! So, the quicker you get started the quicker you begin your path to freedom. As your self talk becomes more and more positive your day will be perceived as more and more positive and people will be more positive around you. And so it goes.


    There are several things you can do to help the positive self talk. Make a list of positives about your Self. Make another list of what you would like to hear another say to you. Keep the lists handy for positive self talk after you “stop” the negative thought. Compliment your Self when you complete something or do anything successfully. It doesn’t matter how minor the event. Remember, you could stub your toe and rip your Self up over that little event!! Positive thoughts and verbiage help you develop your dreams, your happiness and your freedom!


    I’ll leave you with these two thoughts, one is a beautiful quote and the other is a video. I want you to ask your Self after the video, “Don’t you deserve to feel this way about your Self?”


    “Thoughts Become Things… Choose The Good Ones!”
    ― Mike Dooley


    One Minute Stress Reduction

    How many of you would like to achieve greater peace and less stress in this new year? This week I am offering you a 60-second tool that can be used throughout your day to help you reduce the feeling or impact of the stress in your life. You will be able to use this technique at your desk, in a meeting, while driving, in bed to sleep and so much more.


    We have become unconscious of much of our Self and our body in our busy days. So today, let’s begin being conscious of just our breath. You will want to practice this exercise often. If you do, it will soon become second nature to put your self into a relaxed state in any environment or situation.


    Before clicking play, please put both feet on the ground, lean back comfortably, and enjoy!!


    Now that you have experienced the technique, keep practicing it. Should you be interested in learning more about relaxation techniques or meditation, please feel free to write me or comment on the blog!


    Creating Successful Resolutions: Could you be setting yourself up for failure?

    Approximately 50% of the people will attempt to state resolutions and of those, 88% will not achieve success with their desired goals.Those statistics are very well known. There are numerous articles on why resolutions don’t work. So, why an article on how they do work? Because there are behavioral measures we can take to be successful in the short term and then there are ways to incur permanence. This article will address SUCCESSFUL RESOLUTIONS.


    Most people set resolutions to reinvent their Self or to find greater “happiness” in their life. Yet, the top resolutions set are:

    • Weight Loss
    • Exercise
    • Smoking Cessation
    • Debt Resolution
    • Money Management

    This list suggests that most Americans believe that these external goals will bring an internal experience of general happiness in life. So the ultimate goal is their happiness. They “think” these goals will bring them that. Consequently, there is a “why?” that you need to ask. If there are aspects of your life that you wish to change, then what was causing them in the first place? Why are these challenges existing in your life? There is something that keeps them active. It is this question, unanswered, that sits under the goals you set and slowly eats away at your success IF you only implement behavioral change. So, let’s address the behavioral measures you can take, some thinking you can change, and then let’s look at some other things you can “do” to ensure greater long-term success.




    Quietly sit down and choose those resolutions that are important to you. Write down ALL of them. Then pick your top three. With each of those 3:

    • Define the goal with detail and specifics.
    • Break the goal into as many sub goals as is possible — teeny tiny ones — again, defining each sub goal with detail and specifics. Baby steps!!! The sub goals can then build upon one another to meet the main goal.
    • Look at the patterns, habits, rituals of your daily life and see where you can comfortably assimilate the sub goal.
    • Celebrate each success along the way. Know what it is you are going to do for the celebration. Don’t be shy. Include in your celebration a daily conscious compliment to your Self for completing the mini goal!
    • Be consistent and persistent! if you can work your tiny subgoals for a minimum of 14 to 21 days, it becomes a new habit. Then, as you add to it you are building upon your new lifestyle!!



    Positive thinking is the only way to achieve success because success is a positive. You cannot achieve a positive with a negative.

    • Each morning before you get out of bed, recite a gratitude about yesterday’s success and today’s opportunity to succeed.
    • Each morning before you get out of bed, review your goals for the day. Picture the activity as it fits into your routines. See your Self successfully achieving each of the sub goals and hear your positive thoughts.
    • Each night upon retiring, review your successes and be grateful for each of them.
    • Each night upon retiring, create any necessary solutions for those goals you do not feel were successfully achieved.

    Listen for thoughts or statements of hidden expectation:

    • “I should”
    • “I need to”
    • “I am suppose to”

    Each of those phrases is speaking to you about how you have expectations tied to your resolution. Expectations are not from you — EVER! They are always from what you have learned from others. Those phrases, when thought or spoken, are telling you that this is an area of internal conflict. In other words, what you have scheduled your Self to do does not match your internal comforts. The expectations undermine your success by pulling you toward feelings of not good enough. This is a time you are desiring a reinvention of your Self in some way. You do not need other people’s expectations pulling you away from your desires!


    Finally, listen within your Self for thoughts of hope. With hope there is doubt. “I hope I can … !” suggests you doubt you can. This is a very different hope than the spiritual hope. Listen to your thoughts for statements of hope and ask your Self what your doubts are! Once you identify the doubts you can heal them. Otherwise, they will undermine your success. Doubt is fear, fear undermines positive thinking!




    It is the internal experience that the resolution gives you that is critical to your life. To develop that, you must know what it is you wish to experience. What are your desires that you believe your resolution will give you? What will it feel like within you once you achieve your resolution?


    Once you have identified the experience your goal offers you, there are several things you can do to enhance your success of meeting your goals.

    • Create a “sign” with the goal and the sub goal you are currently pursuing. Make sure it is aesthetically pleasing. Make several copies of this. Place each copy in a location that you will see daily and frequently. Each time you see the “sign”, allow your Self to feel the experience the goal will give you.
    • Mantra — Repeat a sentence that says “I am grateful to have …” at least 20 times each of 5 times per day. The statement must be in present tense as if it is happening. As you are repeating the statement, you want to be feeling the experience the completed goal gives you.
    • Vision board — collect pictures, words, etc. that define the goal(s) you are achieving for the year and put them onto a board that you will see repeatedly through out the day.
    • Live the feeling as if you have already achieved your goal. Do this consciously. You can do it for an hour each day or for an entire day, You will know what you can do successfully.

    In conclusion, you can be one of the 0.7% of people who are successful with their New years’ Resolutions if you can develop a plan of what you can do to incorporate the change, change your thinking, define the way the success of the resolution will be experienced, and then build upon living that experience until it is manifest. This process is easily doable but may require some further direction. Please contact my office for online seminars for successful resolutions and with any questions you may have.


    I’m very proud to announce that this is the first of many articles which will be featured in Our Town News magazine.


    A New Beginning

    It is a new beginning but most of us will identify with resolutions — whether we make them or not. What was 2013 like for you? Can you name 10 or more things you were grateful for in the past year? Write down those 2013 experiences for which you are grateful and then ask yourself, “How can I build upon these experiences in 2014?”


    Too often we look at that which we do not like and then say we are going to change! The problem is that we are coming from an “I don’t like this” position. For example, if I don’t like Lima beans am I really going to be able to force my Self to eat them just because I made a resolution to do so? But if I have been eating more vegetables and I find my Self is enjoying new vegetables then I may make a promise to expand my repertoire of vegetables by tasting new ones and old ones that I did not like. Now, what if we look at our body and we dislike it and say we are going to change it? Is that like Lima beans? YES! We will try to avoid that which we do not like. So, we will work out an not see immediate results and fizzle because of disgust or some sort of feeling. If we love the feeling of our healthy, fit body we will work toward that experience in small steps.


    Honor your Self this new year. Build upon that which you enjoy and wish to enjoy. I am so grateful for all of you are supporting me by reading my blog posts. I thank you! I wish you all a very happy and fulfilling year ahead!


    With warmth,

    Dealing With Addiction During The Holidays


    Holidays can be very difficult for those who are in recovery, those who know people who drink or party too much and see it increase at this time, and for those who are using and feel the need to use more during this time. How do we help those who we love? How do we help our Self? What are the signs of a situational experience versus an addictive pattern?


    The holidays are a time for family and friends to gather. So, it is a time of celebration and parties. But, it is also a time to feel the absence of acceptance, the loneliness, the family patterns that send your emotions reeling, and so much more!


    If someone you know is suffering from any of the emotional challenges and has a problem abusing substance, this time of year can be a fire ball. That person may feel a need to run to the most secure relationship in her or his life — the bottle or drug.


    For many in recovery, this can also be a challenging time because of the myriad emotional, environmental, social, and physical triggers. It is a time for feeling the true camaraderie with fellow recovering persons. Yet, can also be a time when that person may feel the difference and, consequential, loneliness.


    If you are someone who quietly feels you are drinking too much or using drugs too much, this may be a time of year that further frustrates you. Consequently, there will be an increase in the judgments you put upon yourself for not meeting expectations of quitting but, in fact, increasing your intake.


    Let’s all see if we can help each other feel love and acceptance at this time. This is a great time to ease someone into treatment IF they need it. When i worked at in-patient hospitals for substance abuse/addiction, we had a full house during the holidays and after…. Think about it. No one wants to suffer. Today, let’s think about our friends, family or self and ask what we can do to help them into recovery and freedom from suffering.


    For more on addiction and recovery, here are some of my past blog posts:

    Part One – Healing Addiction
    Part Two – Addiction and the Abuse Pattern
    Part Three – The Emotional Roller Coaster of Addiction

    When Did Entitlement Become Fashionable?

    As a people, we seem to be defining ourselves as entitled. There are many examples. People don’t vote, but they want things to be in their favor. The father is handicapped, so it is ok for the adult child to use the tag for parking. Because someone has money, he or she feels they should get preferential treatment. Because the other has more money, a person feels deserving of that other paying for something. Even though the policy says one thing, a person who feels entitled feels he or she should be given special variance to that policy. There is the entitled thought that if a person yells loud enough and makes enough commotion, he or she will give or get money back or get their way!! A cop has numbers to make, so he or she dishes out a DUI to a person who makes a traffic error because he or she can (no care for the impact on that person). And so the stories go…


    Until we stop thinking from this point of reference, we will not take responsibility to make the change needed on this plane. We are not entitled to all of Mother Earth’s resources or each other’s resources. In fact, we are not entitled — period. Many articles talk of entitlement synonymously with narcissism. While there is a cross over, they are each separate and distinct. Entitlement seems to have various characteristics.

  • There is an absence of remorse that appears to be in entitlement. There does not seem to be any thought or feeling about the impact of the taking. Yet, there is a burden of responsibility on that other from where or whom an entitled person took. For example: “You scratched my car door but I am going to get my whole car painted at your expense!”
  • There is a selfishness that appears to be a part of entitlement. For example: “I can, therefore I will.” The thought “I want” seems to be the only focus until it’s had.
    There is a litigious attitude fed by and feeding entitlement. For example: “I’ll sue you because I can (I am entitled)!”
  • There is an impatience that exists in entitlement. For example: “I don’t have to wait, to earn, to understand. I want what I want now.” It seems to be fed by an absence of delay of gratification.
  • There is a give-up attitude from entitlement. For example: “I don’t like the way you are in this relationship, I want a divorce.”
  • There is an absence of need to work. For example: ” I should get everything I want when I want it, even if I haven’t worked for it.”

    Entitlement is a fear-based experience. It comes, at least in part, from the fear of not having or the fear of not being ok or good enough. Somehow a person learns that they do not have to work for what they are receiving. They do not have to earn the experience or object. They do not feel the personal ownership that comes with the earning. They think they deserve things they haven’t earned and may develop contempt for people who work to earn things. That suggests they are lacking in confidence and may feel contempt for themselves if they have to work to earn something. Yet, any time a fear-based experience is in our life, it is an opportunity to heal. Our fear-based emotions and/or experiences are in our lives to show us that which we are not. In other words, they are opportunities to heal and unveil our True, Soulful self.


    As long as entitlement is acceptable or fashionable, we will see a vanishing of

  • Gratitude
  • Self respect
  • Frustration tolerance
  • Responsibility
  • Work ethics

    As those qualities dissipate, the blame mentality and attitude of indulgence and anti-responsibility are fed. It, therefore, affects the way we treat each other, animals, objects, and Mother Earth and her resources. Concurrently, it holds the individual back from their

  • Potential
  • Adventure of life
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Creativity
  • Intrinsic fulfillment
  • Happiness

    So, where do we begin? With our Self and then our children! In life, there is no entitlement, there is no blame, and there is no expectation. There is only you. So, the true antidote is in the personal acceptance of responsibility for the actions, thoughts, and beliefs that you may have bought into. It takes introspection and a sense of being humble to be aware of where you may be feeling entitled. Once you can be honest with your Self and acknowledge those places where you are feeling entitled, you can begin to unravel the snarled web of all you gathered in this life that lead to the entitlement. It is then that you can begin your healing. As you pay attention to the cords that make up that snarled web, you then can begin to heal your children and redirect them to a life that is absent of entitlement.


    Success and Anorexia

    Many strong, successful career women seem to have had eating disorders in their past. And many of those women seem to have married or are dating men who are much more attentive to the home and children. It is as if the roles and definitions have been reversed.


    In my experiences, it appears that, in general, strong ambitious women do not learn how to define themselves in this culture so they identify with men in their need to find acceptance. When young, they may struggle with their female curves and body and, more often than not, work to eliminate it with the eating disorder. It seems to be of continued importance for them to maintain an attractive figure and appearance in adulthood. They also continue to develop a more male-oriented position in life through career and providing. They tend to have a hidden judgment about being taken care of and so make sure they do not need to be “taken care of” by providing for the family. It may be important for them to feel in control. Again, this may be due to the need to identify with a man’s world and find acceptance through being good enough.


    But why do they tend to marry or date less ambitious men? It appears to represent their need to feel accepted without having to work so hard at it; to be able to relax and not take things so seriously. It appears to be a compliment to their intensity. It is as if they are learning to love the very part of themselves they used to hate. As if they are accepting the very characteristics in their partner that they desperately needed accepted in their Self as a child.


    More often than not, however, the relationship appears to take on an abusive quality. That again, goes back to the days of the eating disorder. The control of the eating, was the struggle to stay away from the judgment of not being good enough. It is that very judgment that creates shame in an individual. The judgments may also allow the woman to feel unaccepted and, consequently, not belonging to the family or group. The shame and absence of belonging are two consistent characteristics in the abuse pattern in an individual.


    A woman of this experience may be struggling internally with being good enough and may still be looking for extrinsic rewards or reinforcers to confirm that she is good enough to be loved, accepted. Part of this may be due to the perception that in our society, women need to shut down their female aspects to succeed in business. This leaves an internal feeling of not being good enough because as a woman you cannot be who you are. It may also be that the very shame that developed in them as young women interrupted their ability to define their Self and lead to the eating disorder or more. Or, maybe, as an ambitious female, her role models were males and so she learned to shut down her female aspects to be more like a man in order to be accepted by men. This suggests women may perceive that they cannot be accepted into a man’s world for who they are and so need to be like a man to be accepted as a professional among them. It may then be more clear that they would choose a partner who is complimentary, supportive, and caring of who they are.


    As women begin defining their Self from an intrinsic point of reference, they will begin to accept their Self for who they are which will lead to feeling accepted by others and, consequently, society. Women will then pass forward the defining of self for self and by self. This will end women defining themselves through men. I believe the ending of women defining their self through men will also have an impact on the numbers of eating disorders. Just think, mothers and women will no longer press their daughters and younger women (respectively) to be thin in order to be loved, they will begin teaching a healthy lifestyle that embraces the unique characteristics of each child. Something so many women want and try to achieve.

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    Kristen Bomas, PA
    398 Camino Gardens Blvd., Suite 104
    Boca Raton, Fl 33432


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