Gain Independence from that which Keeps You from Your Freedom

I’m talking about feeling that freedom from that which holds you back. Independence from those challenges or blocks that limit your freedom in some way. So how do you break free from those limitations or fears? Take a moment to ask yourself what those blocks are. The first part of the challenge is to become aware of what things might be influencing you in a limited way. Do you have a fear of something? Are you uncomfortable in some situations? Do you really want to do something but you hesitate to do it? Are you not going after your dream in the way you would really like to? Are the relationships in your life not as fulfilling as you would like them to be? Those are the things I invite you  to explore this month. So, daily, I will prompt you with posts that will look at various aspects of life. I’m going to keep them somewhat general so it will give you the opportunity to see where it may fit in your life.

With recent events related to COVID-19 and sheltering-in-place, the world has become an unsure, scary, and stressful place. Over the last few weeks your daily routine most likely transformed into a life you barely recognize. You wonder how things you once took for granted – your home, job, relationship, and health, to name a few – became so precarious. It stands to reason, that this uncertain environment has caused your anxiety to spike. You barely know what day it is, and tomorrow doesn’t look much better. So how can you possibly live in “the now”?

This is a time of year to be grateful for the freedom that our country offers. This is an American holiday. We, as a people, have the opportunity to make infinite choices and have infinite experiences. It is our free will that opens us to all that this life has to offer. So, how might we expand our gratitude this Thanksgiving?

Each year we are given the opportunity to be thankful for our freedom in life and our freedom to choose. People generally express thanks for their loved ones, their home, their career, their ability to travel, their meals, etc. We tend to think of giving thanks for the “good” things in our life. It is a time to “avoid” the “bad” things. What if we weave the bad things into our gratitude?! Some of you will think I have lost my mind but I have not.

Everything that you experience in this life is with purpose: great purpose. If the experience stirs any of your fear-based emotions, e.g., hurt, loneliness, or abandonment/loss, you may have a tendency to ignore those experiences at this time of Thanksgiving. Some of those experiences are too painful to completely ignore and so they interrupt your holidays.

(more…)

We all hear that the worst pain is the loss of a child and that it is a pain that will never go away. Then you lose a child. How do you even begin to cope, let alone heal, when you’ve been conditioned to believe it is something “you will never get over”? In this article, I will only look at a couple of thought patterns that can interrupt the healing and keep the suffering alive.

There is a helplessness that goes with the loss of a child because as a parent you were always the protector and the caregiver. That helplessness makes the grieving more difficult. The parent more often than not wants to turn inward and ask what they could’ve done to prevent, rescue or save the child. Those questions can keep the suffering alive. Whether the child has died in a car accident, from suicide, from an overdose, or from illness, the parents still have thoughts of what could have been done to prevent the death of a child. The internal questions that come about as a result of the helplessness, can cause thoughts that bring back the pain of the loss rather than the healing. In order to heal from the loss of a child the parents must be ready to accept a new beginning in the way they think about their child. They have to be willing to let go of the point of death and get back to the life the child gave them and the life they gave the child.

(more…)

We all have fathers. Some of us know our fathers and some of us do not and/or cannot. The role of a father in our life is defined by each of us. Consequently, it has a lot of variety in those definitions, especially if you have 2 mothers. Take a minute and ask your Self what an ideal father is to you. Let it be your definition. Given that definition, what is Father’s Day to you?

Many people have lost their father. They may have lost their father to divorce, drugs or alcohol addiction, military service training or deployment, death, or transgender transformation. It is all loss. For those of you who have lost your father, if this is your first Father’s day since the loss, what are you doing to honor your emotions at this time? Too often, people do not know how to say goodbye. So times like this can be difficult. How have you said your goodbyes? Even if your father is active duty military and has been deployed to another country, you may experience a loss on this Father’s Day. Often, goodbyes are necessary so that you can say hello to the new beginning!

Are you a father? If so, what part of your ideal father image is you? Are you wishing for differences in the way you are a father? On this day of honoring your role in the lives of your children, do you honor your Self? Take the time, to recognize your Self in your fatherhood. Where are you in the lives of your children? No matter where you are, physically, you are always with your children IF you can be present to them emotionally/spiritually. Find your own definition of father and offer your Self the opportunity to enjoy this honor of being Father in this life. It is your gift to your Self on this day.

The country is looking at Caitlyn Jenner’s children and their loss or reactions on this Father’s Day without Bruce. It is a new beginning for them with Caitlyn. It is a new beginning for Caitlyn as well! It is a time for each of them to reflect on what life was about as father and children and how they are feeling today. It is a time to understand that the person who was their father is still in their lives today. Gender is not about the body. It is about the internal intimate essence. That essence has always been there. It is about them learning to accept the presence of the spirit and not get caught with the attachment to the physical encasement of that presence. Easier said than done…

To all of you, fathers and children and both, may this Father’s Day be that day you honor the presence of the father in your life, in physical or energetic, and the impact of that presence. Celebrate, embrace and love that person who has given you the love of a father or just life. What a great gift you have in this life, whether you know him or not.

I was honored to contribute again to the Palm Beach Post regarding Caitlyn Jenner. You can read the full article by CLICKING HERE.

Oftentimes when someone attempts or commits suicide the judgments follow. Yet, people want to know about the person who committed suicide or made a serious attempt. Why do people commit suicide? Why is it assumed to be a sign of weakness? Furthermore, why do we judge those who are feeling so destroyed by judgment itself?

Let’s begin by looking at the judgment itself! Many people will judge the person who is/was suicidal. That judgment can be heard in the way they describe someone who committed suicide, or the questions they ask about suicide, or their assumptions about suicide. Remember, “We judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged.” So what might this say about those who judge those who commit suicide?

In my many years of working with others I have found that just about everyone has thoughts of suicide. Sometimes those thoughts of suicide can be simply a pondering. Other times those thoughts can be fairly detailed. Then there are the times those thoughts can be very serious (3.7%, Emory University). Infrequently, thank goodness, the thoughts turn into successful attempts (0.5%, Emory University). So, using my 30 years in practice, let’s imagine that 90% of the people have a “thought” of suicide at some time in their life. That would suggest that everyone has felt pain at a level that they want to escape this life. This does not mean they were labeled depressed or medicated or anything else. It shows that just about everyone is capable of having the thought but how did they experience the thought(s)? Did those thoughts frighten them? Did they keep it secret because of the fear of the judgment or condemnation if someone found out? How did they handle “the thought”?

Most people will not share their brief or isolated, past or present, thoughts of suicide. They appear to experience shame and fear of judgment. It appears to take a good amount of trust that the person who they are telling will not judge them or act upon their thoughts. That experience alone can evoke the very loneliness and/or shame that could have been a part of their thoughts.

The emotional pain that is felt from loneliness, hurt, abandonment, or a myriad of other fear-based emotions, leaves us feeling very small, exhausted or weakened. People usually want to withdraw not go toward. They want to be left alone not accompanied.

Consequently, often times the person with those emotions are rescued by their anger coming to the foreground to express their needs in one way or another. But many other times that emotional pain leaves a person feeling too exhausted, maybe even beyond exhaustion, and so he or she says nothing. At those times she or he may resort to isolating, staying away from others. Each and every one of you knows that when you feel loneliness (not just alone) you feel like isolating from everyone. Logically that doesn’t seem to make sense but emotionally it is what happens. So, if you imagine a loneliness becoming so intense that you cannot isolate and cannot be with, then you start to understand, through that little thought what can make suicide become more of a reality. The more exhausted a person becomes the less real it seems that he or she can pull their self out of the abyss of emotional pain. If you were stuck in a 100-yd pit with smooth walls and no one knew you were there and although you began screaming out you slowly ran out of voice. Over a short amount of time, with no food and water, you begin to realize you are either going to starve to death, freeze to death, or become prey to another animal who can scale the walls. Whatever your thoughts they are anchored in the helplessness of getting out of the situation you are in that ultimately ends in the absence of life. You may choose to wait as long as possible for a miracle rescue but then choose to kill your Self gently before the suffering becomes too intense. This is similar to the emotional experience inside the suicidal person. They have lost all hope of rescue and life. Suffering has overtaken them. They think giving into the darkness is a gentle passing to peace that can be better than helplessly and hopelessly waiting for the inevitable suffering to continue.

Of all of those with whom I have worked who had more serious suicidal thoughts, 99% of them were going through a time in this life that was full of pain. Yet, it was apparent (to me and others on the outside of their abyss) that they were going to be able to heal and get to the other side it. On the other side of the painful time in life, was a life of gifts waiting for them. That being said, if the person contemplating suicide could know that there was another side that was so full of life do you really think they would step off this plane? If the person in the 100-yd pit knew there was a rescue mission coming, would they consider suicide? Usually not. It is rare that a person dies without “reason”.

Maybe you fear suicide because you were told by a religion that you would go to hell. That, in turn, may spark feelings that you are bad for even having these thoughts. Then you begin to believe that you are so bad there is no way out because you cannot be loved in this life, or get it right in this life, and, on top of that, your thoughts say you are no longer going to be okay by the very God who is supposed to be unconditionally accepting and loving. Whew! So, when you look at those who actually committed suicide you may not have the understanding to accept their choice because of your fear of the historic learnings based in judgment and not being good.

The shame that many feel when someone close to them commits suicide is also a part of all of this perceived and actual judgment. They want to keep the very secret that the person who successfully committed suicide kept. If the person in pain could have felt they could trust someone to help them through their pain without experiencing more shame would they have expressed the thoughts prior to final stages of decision making? We cannot be sure but the odds say probably. Shame of suicide is taught by society and family. The shame is a feeling of bad, a feeling of why do people see me like that when that is not who I am, a feeling of “ucky”. Ask your Self, who around you sees suicide (and, consequentially, thoughts of suicide) as one of those definitions? You can then see how it is kept secret. When already suffering with emotional pain, a person does not want or need to add to that the shame of judgment.

A colleague mentioned that many people feel selfish when someone dies because they do not want to deal with the death. I found that an interesting observation. People may talk of themselves or tell the other want to do or stay away from talking about the death as a result of their own discomfort with the idea of death. When that death is a suicide, if that very person experiences much discomfort with the idea or action of suicide, they may further get wrapped within their own self to deal with it.

Maybe people want to judge those who commit suicide simply because they’re angry at them for killing themselves. Being angry at someone who kills their self is a very healthy part of dealing with the traumatic loss, a sudden loss, or loss in general. Add to that an understanding that, for most, the only way they know to deal with their anger is to use their anger. What that means is that if they are hurting in their anger they then spew forth words that are hurtful to or about another. If they feel abandoned and small and weak behind their anger then they will spew forth words of abandonment and weakness to the other of the other. To judge the person who committed suicide as weak is to label them as not good enough. The very probable underlying cause of their choice.

In conclusion, there are many fears and fears of judgments that lie within an individual who lashes out with judgment of an individual who suffers, or suffered, with such extreme emotional pain that they fold up in the comfort of suicidal thought or action, respectively. If we begin by looking at the judgment of suicide that rests within each person, within their religions, and within their cultures/society, we begin to gain an awareness which is the first step in healing. If we begin healing the judgment that surrounds suicide, it may become much easier for those suffering with such severe pain to speak openly about their thoughts and pain. If they can talk about it openly and safely maybe, just maybe, we can begin to save lives. We will be saving lives by offering understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Those are the very feelings missing inside the darkness of the pain of the suicidal person. Think before you judge, ALWAYS!!!! You never know where that verbal knife will pierce the other.

I wish you all a day filled with compassion and acceptance of self and another, one at a time.

Why do people struggle with other people’s success?

So often we watch people get angry or rejecting, in some way, when someone they know, or even don’t know, achieves success. The second thing we observe is the comfort with destroying those who are successful and in the public eye. Why does this exist? Why can’t we all be so excited for someone else’s achievements and successes?

Inherently we all wish for happiness. Unfortunately, many have been lead to believe that happiness is achieved when someone achieves success financially or publicly. Because this definition of happiness is external in its rewards it does not work. Happiness must come from within. Once a person is happy within themselves, they are happy for all of those around them.

So when someone else achieves the success or perceived happiness for which another is wishing, that other may feel jealous or less than or not good enough or undeserving or unfairly gifted, etc. Another possibility is that this other person may be housing a doubt that they are able to have the success or lifestyle or fame that they perceive in the other. Whatever that person is feeling, it is a fear-based experience. Once someone is feeling out of balance from an inside “fear”, their imbalance is expressed externally. Usually in an effort to find balance, comfort, or support that they are okay. Once they feel okay or comforted they feel back in balance.

As I have said often, we judge only in the way we are fearful of being judged. So, in this question that we are exploring today we see that people may go against, judge, breakdown, destroy, or make a successful person feel crummy or bad. More than likely this is because inside themselves they’re fearful of the judgment that they are not good enough and that they are destroyed in their concept of finding happiness or success. Their internal doubts and fears will also consist of the judgments they are slinging at the successful or famous people. That may or may not be a direct reflection. For example a person who has bought into the belief that in order to be loved we must have a perfect Barbie or Ken figure may judge harshly someone who is heavy or large. They themselves may be fit and have a low level of body fat. Their judgments of someone heavy are coming from their fear of not having a lean body and being judged as not good enough. So their doubt and their belief in society’s judgments keep them working hard to stay lean for fear of what it would mean if they were not. It is that very view that drives their judgments of others in this particular example.

In addition to the individual experiences that are being subconsciously acted out, our culture and media are based upon this type of fear-based reporting. We have papers, TV shows, books and more that make billions of dollars by reporting to the public ugly, derogatory, shaming, destructive information or assumptions about our wealthy, famous, successful, and entertainment people. I don’t understand when we decided it was okay to dig into the histories of the people in the spotlight and attempt to destroy them, but we do. And people love to hear about the crap. We are no longer a people who are willing to spend billions on the happy and good news. Why we do this will be a follow up blog. For today’s purpose, this national level of acceptance to destroy another human being who is successful allows the people to feel righteous when they use social media platforms and other public platforms to bully or destroy another human being whether successful or not.

In conclusion, and in general, the people who choose to judge, criticize, bully, or destroy another human being, publicly or not, are usually coming from a place of fear of being judged themselves. They are not happy and fulfilled within their own life and are lashing out from that point of reference. It seems to be a very common and popular bandwagon to jump on because our media and nation seem to support this kind of destructive judging of one another. Fear is newsworthy. Judgment is fear. Fear is the absence of love. Happiness is love.

May each and every one of you be the start to spreading a happy thought whenever you hear a harsh angry judgment of another human being. We are all human beings. We all have challenges. We all are capable of compassion. I wish you all a day filled with compassion and acceptance. May it start with you.

Anger. How do we express anger so that we heal? Why is it that our anger continues to perpetuate? How do we get attached to anger?!!

Let’s lay the groundwork.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It occurs in response to any one of many fear-based emotions. Fear-based emotion could be fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, attachment, abandonment, and loneliness etc. – get the picture? So, anytime we are angry it is possible to ask “What is the emotion that exists before the anger?” That is an important part of the equation of anger becoming perpetual.
Oftentimes, people can feel and are aware of their wish to hold onto their anger at another person or entity. It feels as if that anger is purposeful and warranted. There are a couple factors that are responsible for that.

First, the original anger and its cause are probably a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Most people do not know how to express their anger and, therefore, do not know how to find closure to that unhealthy situation. Also, if that unhealthy situation played out repeatedly in a relationship or over one’s life, then the anger felt is built up over various experiences and is then ready to be released perpetually — over and over and over again.

Second, most people learn to use their anger not express it. Whatever the underlying emotions are that caused the anger, when you use your anger you are spewing forth the anger in an effort to make the other person feel those primary feelings. When you are expressing your anger you are expressing your primary feelings in an angry tone and, consequently, are initiating the healing of the anger. You are also beginning the effort to put closure to that which caused the anger.

Why you get attached to your anger:
As I just mentioned, most are taught to use it but not to express anger. So you want the other to hurt because the other hurt you! You may still be angry and, so, you want to hurt that person more – even if in your thoughts. Or maybe you start getting your friends to agree with your anger and maybe even further fuel it. Now, your anger is starting to get fueled rather than healed and you start to realize the other feelings that you may be feeling as a result of the original situation(s). Consequently, subconsciously or consciously, you want that other to now feel bad and to feel shame, guilt and unwanted because of everything you have felt!!!!! This causes a loop within us. Because we have to stay focused on everything the other did, in order to make him or her feel those feelings, you continue to reignite and feel the very memory of the yucky event! You inadvertently keep that event alive in order to use it. It is this loop that gets us attached to the anger.

At this point it becomes very difficult to release the anger or even feel like you want to release the anger. You have now bought into the ugliness of the pain and that ugliness is the very fuel necessary for the anger to make sure it always has food to feed upon. If this continues, you may slowly begin to use the anger to talk about the other with various others. You may find yourself using the anger with your other to feel heard about how you hurt and what you need. Some may even find that the anger fuels great humor in their conversations by using the story of the other with a sarcastic twist. Others may find this anger to be the perfect excuse to warrant abuse, or assault. Many will just lose control of their expression and find themselves lashing out physically, verbally, and or emotionally. Any or all of this and more describes the attachment to your anger!

Once you are attached to the anger, it is very difficult to release it because it now serves you. The release of your attachment to the anger is another chapter!! In the meantime, thank you so much for your time and your feedback. May you all begin to listen to your anger and what it is teaching you! If you have ANY questions please feel free to comment below, or you can write me at AskKristen@kristenbomas.com. Peace be with you!

Why are you attached to seeing what isn’t good enough? Or, maybe you find your Self feeling like everyone is against you in some way, e.g., cannot be trusted, take from you, rip you off, talk behind your back? These are signs of living in a state of misery or fear.

If you are familiar with my writings you know that all emotions can be categorized as either love-based or fear-based. So, let’s simplify the addiction-to-misery philosophy. If misery/depression is a fear-based experience then it is going to need to create a fear-based environment to thrive. Make sense? Consequently, it is not just the feeling but the context within which it thrives.

So, if you know someone or are someone who is constantly sad, worried, or depressed, how might it serve them or you to be in that fear-based state of existence? Don’t say it doesn’t!! Don’t judge the answer!! Just listen to your inner voice as it starts to answer the question: How does it serve me to stay focused on the negative? The question feels like: what am I hoping to see happen as a result of this pattern or behavior or what is the wish behind the pattern or behavior?

Oftentimes, people find that they are feeling lonely and as if no one cares. They may then find that it serves them to be in misery because people try to help them or pull them out — or more! They get to the point where they feel “comfortable” in their discomfort and don’t know why. That is precisely why we ask our Self at that time, “How does it serve me?”.

We live in a fear-driven society. So, initially, people attend to the misery, pain, suffering of others. Life, however, is not experienced in the suffering but in the joy and happiness of living. Consequently, after time, people begin to pull away or create limited relationships with those who stay in their misery or pain. It is at this point of others pulling away that the pained person feels the futility of hoping for happiness and feels as if they have a right to be depressed or negative.

There is yet another level of kick from this pattern. If you or the person you know is in a state of believing others are “always” against you in some way, then you have probably developed a defensive stance that is not trusting. If someone is in a world of not trusting, how do they know trust? They don’t. Consequently, they find themselves picking the contractor, employee, or life-partner who is limited in their ability to be trusted. The outcome is again feeling the futility that there is anyone out there worth trusting.

To heal, you must be ready to feel happy. Then it is a matter of becoming aware of how pervasive the pattern is in your life. Once you have a solid awareness, you find your answers to how it serves you. Then you work on the needs that come out of that answer. Your Soulful Self or True Self is nothing but love. There is nothing to fear about love. Going toward the truth of who you are begins opening the doors to love and fulfillment. It is an expansive experience that never stops expanding. The fear that consumes you when you are living in pain, limits you and makes you feel small, insignificant. Which would you rather experience? Take the plunge. Dive into your Self and learn the experiences you truly wish to have in this life and go for it!!

Have you ever felt so defensive that your heart was pounding, or you felt you had no choice in the matter, or you felt you were waiting for someone else to make a decision that was going to affect you and your life, or….? Learn how to remain in your power regardless of what is happening around you!

You have a beautiful, strong, graceful power within you that is part of your truth! We all do! Many times in life you may feel powerless and small. In order to not slip away from that powerful graceful You, you must know what challenges get illuminated when the power temporarily leaves or hides. You also want to understand that it is a force that takes you away from that truth of your own power. In this blog, I will address just that.

Someone or something that “goes against” you or your rights is a force. It is coming from a place of ego or prideful will. It is a fear-based effort. For example, if I tell you that you have to go to work at 8 AM even though you own your own business, I am forcing you to do it my way because my ego says I know best because I am fearful of you not doing good enough! You then feel the energy of my core feeling of not being good enough and feel your power slip and your confidence may eventually slip. If, however, you are aware of your Self and your power, your response to my ridiculous effort to control my own emotional chaos would be, “ Are you fearful or untrusting about my work? Tell me what is happening within you that makes you push me out the door before I would normally leave?” Most people would get defensive and then make assumptions about my comment that would lead them farther from their power.

Knowing that all people have a fear-based set of emotions that dictate their challenges in this life and a set of love-based emotions that define their truth, helps you to begin the process of letting their words be theirs. When you listen intently to the content of the other’s words in absence of this awareness, you are following their thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. By following another you are leaving your Self and truth behind. It is at this point that you leave your Self open to losing connection with your power.

As you go through this week see if you can watch others speak and see when they are speaking from their fear-based “stuff” and when they are speaking from their love-based truth!

I will address different aspects of feeling powerless in future blog writings. Enjoy this start!!